The Midnight Orange

Look what I have coming: While browsing one of my favorite sites ETSY I came across The Midnight Orange. I sent her a request explaining my unique story. So here is what she came up with. I think it is perfect. I can't wait until it arrives. This was a pleasant email while working on a Saturday afternoon.

A Special Email From Carly

When I got Sophia's name in the sand I ordered the JPEG so I could print it. I never got it. So I emailed Carly. So today I got my photo file and she wrote Sophia's name again for me. I love them both, they are so nice and I love that I have these in places I can think about Sophia all the time.

OC Walk To Remember

Last month while on Babycenter I saw that October 15th is the day of remembrance for pregnancy and infancy loss. So I signed up.

This morning Mya and I went to UC Irvine for the 5th Annual OC Walk to Remember. It was a cool morning so that made for a good walk. When Mya and I arrived I registered. Then I fed Mya breakfast in her stroller as I could not find any place to sit.

The memorial ceremony was so pretty I am so happy I attended and plan on attending next year. I think this was a wonderful way to reflect on Sophia. I think it is rather important for Mya to know about Sophia and to know that she is a twin.

I have struggled since finding out Sophia diagnosis how we will tell Mya about Sophia. First I though when she got her first dolly we would name her Sophia. Now after attending today's walk I hope to attend more events like this one and at the hospital to show Mya that Sophia was a very important part of my life and hers. I still stay if it was not for Sophia fighting as long as she did I may not even have Mya. And I thank Sophia for Mya every day of my life.

To Write Their Names In The Sand

I have found this great blog. http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/search?q=Sophia+Rene What Carly does is simply amazing. She is in Australia. I had put together a collage of photos of Eddie and Mya for Father's Day and when I went to get my laptop I noticed today was Sophia's turn for her name. I had hoped I would have it by their birthday. I am happy it came the day after Mya's birthday party and before their actual birthday. I am so pleased it looks so pretty and I am so happy that I have it. I want to get it framed for my desk at work and find some place special in the house for it.

I have found out that collecting your child's name is a common thing among mothers who have lost a child. I think I may start joining them in collecting names. The feeling I got when I saw this picture was amazing. I feel that this picture describes Sophia's beauty so perfectly. I am crying as I sit here and look at it.

A Year In.........My Life

Let's summarize this year.

January 1, 2008 12:01 am: Asleep. That was the time all I wanted to do was sleep. Why I was pregnant with the 2 most amazing little girls and did not know how the wonderful innocence of pregnancy would be gone for life for me in 2 short weeks.

On January 15th my life would shatter before my own eyes. We found out that our precious twin A would be dying within 2 weeks, but no worries I won't feel a thing...... physically.

Two more week later on January 29th I got the wish I had been wishing for every second of every day for the previous two weeks. My twin A was still alive. We also found out A was a girl.
We spent many a days in the doctors watching our little girl fight for her life and to keep what we found out was her little sister safe.
Sophia gave it her all and we watched her get sicker and sicker. But I kept my hope in her alive. Then the day that changed my life forever. March 11, 2008. We found out our little fighter did not have anymore in her. Sophia passed away. No matter how much I prepared myself to hear that she had passed it still hurt so much. For 2 1/2 months she fought. I like to think that Sophia's fight for life even saved Mya's life.
April 1st, 2008, I started 76 days of bed rest. I knew I had to do it for Mya. I hated it but I did it. I had to.

June 2008. June is the most insane month for me personally and for all my family. We celebrate birthday's all month long. The first weeks is filled with birthday's. Then we had our baby shower. Then my birthday the following week and my in-law's wedding anniversary two days later. Then Molly's birthday. Then we found out my C-Section would be July 2nd. We celebrated Alice's 50th birthday on Sunday. After I went home feeling like garbage.

The following morning I went to the hospital for routine testing and found out I was in labor. That would be the day I said hello and good bye to one of my precious girls and welcome the hopeful safe arrival of the other.

My girls were born on June 30, 2008 at 8:16 pm. I did not get to see Sophia like I had planned and I am still dealing with that. It bothers me EVERY DAY of my life. I planned to see her. I needed to see her. I needed to say good bye properly. I feel I let her down.


We spent the beginning of this month fighting for Mya. She caught her first flu/illness. Mya got RSV. We spent day in and day out back and forth the the doctors. We even spent the night in emergency. I fought and fought with the doctors. I told them I reserve the right to be over protective mom. Finally they helped her. We found out she had RSV and that when preemies get their first illness it is usually worse than a normal infant. I am so thankful she is OK. Seeing her not her normal self tore me up inside.




Here we are in December and I still am struggling.
I don't know what to do. How to handle this.
I am beyond thankful for Mya. I love her more than anything/anyone on this earth. I am constantly reminded I should be a mother of twins. I should be buying matching outfits. I should have a double stroller. I should be able to celebrate this new year with 2 six month olds. But this is not the hand that I was given. Now I make life go on how it is. I do everything I do in life for her.

Babycenter

Today I joined Babycenter. I think it will be good to find other moms of children Mya's age as well as maybe connect with other mothers that have lost a child. I don't know that I will find anyone that has lost a twin that I can connect to but we will see.

Our First Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart. I don't know why in the past but this year I am thankful to have Mya. Last year the day before Thanksgiving is when we found out we were expecting so we were very thankful.

Like I said I love Thanksgiving. I having all my family around.Today Mya met her Uncle Josh.

Now I love that I have Mya. But there is always going to be someone missing now. I am still working on getting past family events not feeling pity for myself. I keep telling myself it takes time but that may just be my new excuse.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Is This An Anniversary?

One year ago today Eddie and I found out we were expecting. I remember it like it was yesterday. I could not sleep. I woke up at 5am and the night before we said I would test in the morning. So I figured why not. I went into the bathroom took the test and finished my business. When I looked back at the test there it was "Pregnant"

I woke Eddie up to show him. We just sat on our bed a hugged each other. I don't even think we said much. I fell back asleep and got back up at 7am. I had physical therapy at 7:30 and an appointment to get my flu shot at 8:45.

At my appointment I told our doctor I think I am pregnant. So we did another test to confirm. He told me it is a very faint line, but a line is a line.

Knowing that every pregnancy memory I have should have been documented I wish I would have been one of those people to take a picture of the test. I am not sure if I should happy or sad or even anything today. I know that one year ago today was one of the top 10 moments in my life. So I think I will leave it at that.

Mya's Baptism

Today was Mya's baptism. We were blessed to have our family there with us. Mya has had a cold for over 2 weeks now and she seemed to have a good day. We started out the morning

wondering how much of family would be able to join us with the whole circle of fires around us. My parents had to go another route as the 14 freeway was closed and parts of the 210 freeway were closed as well.

We got a call that some of the Serrano's would not be able to come as Aunt Vivi and Uncle Pete's house might be evacuated.

Once Molly got here we dressed Mya in her dress. I ended up cutting up a onesie for under her dress she she would have some protection.

When we got to the church I had asked the priest if he could please say a prayer for Sophia and he said he would and ended up forgetting.

It was a nice ceremony and Mya was good. She ate and fell asleep halfway through. She was upset when we woke her to actually be baptized. But she got over it.

Sophia was in my thoughts today. I wished they were both baptized. I wanted to have Sophia baptized at the hospital but since we did not get to see her that did not happen. I really wonder why they did not let us see her.

It Is Finally Here.

I got home from work tonight and checked the mail. Mya's new birth certificate is here.

I am still very upset with the way it looks. It is all stamped up and it says the wrong thing on the top page. Then you turn it over and it tells you what the corrections are. I hate that it is like this and I am still very upset at who ever messed up at Huntington. How could they do this to anyone?

Well all I know is there is nothing I can do about it now. Maybe one day I will find the right person in Sacramento to make sure this does not happen to anyone else. Or even the right person to get me a new certificate rather than an amendment.

Going Back To Work.

The time has come and I went back to work today. When I left the house I was OK. I took Mya over to Alice's and I felt OK.

When I got to work that was a different story. I walked into our office and there was a huge sign over my desk "Welcome Back Cassie" I lost it right there. It is a good thing I was the only one in the office.

I continued about my day and Alice would send me pictures and updates of Mya all day. That made my day. I left work at 5:30 and I can tell you I did not miss traffic one bit. When I got home I was so happy to see my baby. I don't know if she was happy to see me but I was happy to see her.

So for now we will work on a new routine. Tomorrow Alice will keep Mya again and on Wednesday she will go to the babysitters.

I Finally Found Someone To Help Me!!!!!!

After making I don't know how many phone calls I finally got through to someone. How I can not thank Mrs. Debbie Balsey enough. I don't know what number I pressed today but I got through. She answered and I knew it was not the place. I calmly explained to her my situation. I told her I have been trying for a month to get through to someone that can help me. I told her our story and that I have Sophia's death certificate that states she is 1st of twins and that Mya's birth certificate says she is a singleton. Debbie was almost in tears, then I was almost in tears.

She told me she is very sorry for our loss and that she is also very sorry it was not correct the first time. She said she would be sending me paperwork in the mail for the amendment and that I would need to send a check for $14. She said she will send me a postage paid envelope that is addressed directly to her and that we will get this taken care of.

I feel better but I hope she really is going to help us.

A Night To Remember

A few weeks ago I got in the mail a post card from Huntington Hospital. They were having a ceremony for all the children that passed away there.

Tonight, Eddie, Mya and I attended "A Night To Remember" It was a quick yet beautiful ceremony, the Chaplain read a story and they read all of the names of the children that have passed. It was a beautiful evening. The weather was nice and it was wonderful night to reflect on Sophia.

Tonight while Eddie was walking around holding Mya all I could think was that I hope one day I have to courage to tell Mya about Sophia. I know I will have to but when will be the right time? Here is a picture of Mya being such a good little girl while the Chaplain was reading.

Now What?

Today Mya and I went to pick up her birth certificate. Yesterday we went to order it and today it was ready. Simple right? WRONG!

Mya's birth certificate states that she is a SINGLETON. When they handed it to me I don't know why my eyes happened to go straight to box 3A, but they did.

So I went right back to the clerk and I told her my daughter certificate is wrong. She told me there is nothing she can do about it. I asked her how do I get it corrected? She told me "You have to take that up with the state"

I rushed home and called Norwalk, thinking the county clerks office can help me. They told me they can not because there are certain cities in LA County that have their own clerks so all I can do it take it up with the state. He gave me the phone number and for the last two hours I have been hitting redial like it is no ones business. It has been busy.

How could this happen. Sophia's Death Certificate says she is 1st of Twins, why did Mya's birth certificate say she is a singleton? Who did this? Why was someone so careless to not pay attention?

My Due Date.

Today is my due date. Not that I would have been giving birthday to two healthy children today but this was the day we thought 40 weeks ago was our goal. Our goal to starting our amazing family.

Where are we at today. Mya is 1 month, 3 days old. She is now 6 whole pounds. She is the love of my life and my will for life at this moment. Sleep, what is that?

Mya is still wearing preemie everything for the exception of diapers. She is now in newborn diapers. This little girl has brought some light to my life. I spent 5 months in a funk, a funk of not knowing what my future held and now I know. Mya is my future.

Everyday I think of Sophia. Every night I kiss her goodnight. Eddie gives Mya a bath and I get Mya's PJ's ready. When I go into her bottom drawer of her dresser, there is Sophia. I tell her I love her and I give her a kiss. I don't know if this is the best place for her but it works for me.