Sophia Is Home.

I am now allowed to drive. Friday evening we got a call that we could pick up Sophia on Monday. It was such a nice thing to hear that Sophia was going to be coming home with us.

Eddie went back to work today and when we got the call on Friday he told me we should wait until next weekend to go get her. I told him no, I want her home.

So I packed up Mya and we were off the Risher's. I pulled in, parked and put Mya in the Baby Bjourn. I took a big breath and walked in. As soon as I walked up to the desk I lost it. All I could do is cry and rub Mya's tiny back. The woman behind the desk gave me a tissue and was rubbing my other hand. I told her I was here to pick up my daughter. She told me she was sorry for my loss. Then she told my how beautiful Mya is. She walked to a book shelf and grabbed Sophia.

She put Sophia down in front of me and asked if I was OK. I told her I will be, one day. She said let me walk you to your car. So we walk, we walked very slow. I strapped Mya into her car seat and the woman gave me a big hug and said again she was sorry for my loss.

I needed to get out of there. I put Sophia in the passenger seat, bucked up and drove to the first place I could think of......Margaret's house.

When I pulled up she saw I was crying and I think she knew why. So we unbuckled Mya and Margaret took her. We went inside. Mya and I visited for sometime. I feel that we have a special bond. She lost Wilbur right before we found out Sophia was ill. Though my loss of Sophia is very minor she understand.

Now we are all home safe and sound. I don't know where I should put Sophia. Right now she is sitting up on our shelf in the livingroom.

This Is Not A Family Outing.

Today we went to the mourtuary. Yesterday while at the doctor with Mya we found out the "great state of California" decided to change the format in which death certificates are done. I had our portion of Sophia's done mid May. So need less to say it is no good.

We packed Mya up and drove to Montebello to Risher. We met with one of the owners. In May we met with her brother and he told me everything would be taken care of and now they basically have no clue who we are. I don't need this right now.

We filled out the new application for the death certificate and paid to have Sophia cremated. Which was a whole different price then we were told at first.

I just wanted to get me and my 9 day old child out of there ASAP. That is what my focus was. After we left we went and Mya went to her first restaurant. We went to Chili's because it was not busy and that was perfect for us.

Mya, I can't not believe you are such a good little baby and put up with all the nonsense that you did today. Mommy loves you are we are now one step closer to getting Sophia home with us.

What The Hell Is Wrong With People.

Maybe I am really hormonal right now. I really don't know. We took Mya to her pediatricians for her first actual scheduled appointment.

Mya is one week old today and weighs 5 lbs 2 oz. She has finally gained an ounce and half. We are getting some where now.

So the point of all of this. At the doctors today we saw Mya's doctor. She said she wanted us to stay and meet with the lactation specialist since it does not seem like my milk has come in. So we met with her. At the very moment she came in the Social Worker called to get information from us about Sophia. Eddie excused himself. I told her I was sorry we are trying to take care of arrangements for Mya's twin sister that passed away. The woman proceeds to tell me "You have to breastfeed, if not for Mya for her twin sister"

I had no idea what to say. I felt like saying who the hell are you? But I didn't and Eddie came back in the room. I could not focus anymore. I half listened to what she told me.

I plan on breastfeeding. However I also understand that for the last week Mya has been getting formula after every feeding session. My cousin told me to stick it out for a month and then go from there. That is what the plan is for now.

I get very discouraged because even when I pump I don't even get a teaspoon. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Shouldn't my milk have come in now? I understand that Mya is a preemie maybe my body is trying to adjust.

On a lighter note after Mya's appointment we went to the mall to try and find Mya some clothes that actually fit. See I kept telling people Mya will not need preemie clothes because they will not take her until she is over 6 lbs. I was certain of that. My Aunt Vivian sent a Preemie set and a preemie gown, thankfully we had them because it was the only things that fit her. So today we went to the one place I said I would not shop for Mya........Gymboree. Mya got 5 little outfits. This weekend we are planning on going to the beach so Mya can get some sun and we will stop by Carter's on the way home so see if we can find anything else to fit her. For now I am doing non stop laundry.

The Biggest Day of My Life......

This is going to be a long one. Well, Mya Quinn Beserra is here safe and sound.

They both arrived on Monday night at 8:16pm. Our C-Section was scheduled on Wednesday, July 2nd at 10:00am. I think Mya decided she wanted to be sure to be home for 4th of July.

The story goes............... On Sunday we celebrated Alice's 50th birthday with brunch with 47 family members. It was a wonderful time. I think everyone had a good time. I don't think I have every seen Alice cry before, as she is one of the strongest women I know. She was so overwhelmed at the end of brunch she cried as she hugged everyone good bye. Eddie and I left knowing that the next time we see our family we will have our very own family.

When we got home I started to get a really bad headache that not even Tylenol would take care of. I woke up Monday morning with the same headache. I got up took a shower and put my bedding into the wash as that was one of the last things on my list to do before Wednesday and went to do my NST testing.

When I got there the nurse said I did not look good and hooked me up to the monitor for the test. Turns out I was having contraction 3-4 minutes apart and I was not feeling all of them due to the headache. So the nurse said they were admitting me to the Labor and Delivery to be monitored some more. So then at about 1:00pm they called the doctor and she told them to schedule my C-Section for 8:00pm. The nurse came and told me and I called Eddie. I told him "I hope you are ready to have a babies today".

So Eddie came. By 6:00 my parents were there and everything was a go. At 7:45pm they started preparing me for the surgery. They gave Eddie a pair of scrubs and he was ready. They took me to give me the Spinal and Eddie waited in the hall for the go ahead to come in. He told me a few days ago that he went the threw up before he came into the room. One of his co-workers told him don't eat before and now he knows why.

My doctor and my specialist came in and the show was on the road. The took Sophia and did not say anything, but the anesthesiologist said "twin A is out." Then almost immediately following Sophia it was Mya's turn. They took her out she gave off one little whimper and then they cleaned her passages and within 5 minutes she was crying. They cleaned her up and watched her for a few minutes then they had Eddie cut the cord. Eddie was not prepared for this, he says the "tricked" him. They told him to come near her and then they just had him do it. Finally they weighed her and showed her to me.

As I laid there I so wished I would hear some sort of miracle come out of some one's, any one's mouth. But nothing. My doctor and I spoke about Sophia before hand and we decided they would not tell me when they took her so that I did not freak out and my heart rate did not jump causing any problems. But I still deep down wish someone said there she is alive. They finally they weighed Mya and showed her to me.

At that very moment I knew somehow things were going to be OK. I also came to terms with our life had in store for us. There was my smaller then expected but perfect "Twin B" She has been my rock for the last 14 1/2 weeks. Yet I have never met her and I was in love. I knew she was going to keep my sanity.

Eddie went with Mya to show her to our family real quick then she went to the NICU for monitoring. They sewed me up and the rude anesthesiologist told me I did a good job. Not that makes any of this better. They wheeled me to recovery. Eddie came to be with me. He told me that everything was fine. Our little girl looked great. Within 15 minutes I was throwing up. I asked the anesthesiologist to give me something to prevent this and it still happened. One by one our family came to see me.

They kept me in recovery for about an hour and half due to my throwing up and then they took me to my room.

When we got settled Eddie went and got something to eat and took a shower. They finally brought Mya to us at 1:30 am. I finally got to hold her. I was so happy to see her when I tried pulling myself up in bed I threw up again. The hospital room was nice, there was a cot for Eddie to sleep on and we had our own shower. However after spending three days there it gets to you to say the least. We got to go home on Thursday afternoon.

The hospital gave us a little box to remember Sophia by. I told them before surgery I wanted to see her. They said OK. Then Tuesday I asked the Chaplin if I could see her and she told me she would see what they can do and a nurse came in and said no we can't see her. I don't know how I feel about this. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe she was so beat up they did not want to scare me. I don't know. But this really changed everything I wanted done.

While in the hospital Mya's jaundice levels got a little high, but not high enough to have to do anything major. We are really keeping a close eye on her now.

As much as I prepared to have a moment with BOTH of my girls it did not happen. I don't know why and I know I asked, that was all I could do. But I thought that was the whole point in making a birth plan. I have to say everything changed the second I got to hold Mya. I feel like I was the last one to touch her. And when I did get to hold her I did not want to let go of her. I worked so very hard to get her here safely. Now she is and though I don't have them both to hold I feel empty. But on the other hand I feel like I have not time to finish mourning Sophia. 20 weeks ago Mya was Eddie's priority and I was so concerned about Sophia. NOW the world revolves around Mya.

I will take my time to grieve Sophia, I have earned that right. Though I really feel that now is not the time. I know I will get to it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

35w0d: To start the C-Section is scheduled for Wednesday, July 2nd at 10 AM.

I went for my NST yesterday morning and contractions are now 8 minutes apart, but I am only feeling half of them. If I start feeling more of them then it is back to the hospital.

Today is my last day that I will actually have nothing to do. Tomorrow morning I see Dr. Prema, Thursday I go for testing, Friday I see Dr. Shah, Monday I go for testing, Tuesday I go for Pre-Op and Wednesday is Sophia & Mya's birthday and probably what will prove to be the hardest day of my life. But I am so looking forward to meeting Sophia and telling her face to face I love her and I will miss her. I don't know if this will be the closure I have been seeking since her passing but I need this. I need to hold both of them. I know Sophia will not be in good shape but I still need to hold her.

Alice's birthday is Friday. She will be 50. We will go to dinner on Friday and we are having a big family brunch on Sunday. That will be nice, our last real outing before the girls arrival. (I love to refer to them as "The Girls")

I feel as if we are as ready as can be. I keep going through my bag to be sure I have everything I could possibly need. I guess in this case it is better to over pack rather then under pack as I will be admitted to the hospital until at least Saturday, possibly Sunday. Eddie will be able to stay at the hospital with me so the plan is that he will stay every night with us and then go to work for there. He starts his vacation on Saturday. I would rather him be home with us then just sitting at the hospital. So that is all for now.

Thursday, June 17, 2008

34w0d: So there has been some changes to my real due date. I actual due date is July 29th. Mya will be delivered sometime between now and July 2nd.

I am currently having contractions that are about 10 minutes apart. If I don't start labor then we will go in for a "scheduled" C-Section on July 2nd. Mya will be our little firecracker baby. She will get to wear the outfit that Aunt Cathy got her. I will have to pack it in her bag.

So here is the plan for the next two weeks if I can make it that long: I will continue to go for my NST testing on Monday's and Thursday's. Next week I will go see Dr. Prema again for my last scheduled appointment. On June 30th I will go back to Dr. Shah for one more appointment to measure everything and if all looks good and Mya is six pounds or more then we will have the C-Section sometime on July 2nd between 7:30am and Noon. I will know the exact time next Wednesday. So that is that for now. I am happy that at least I know that Mya will be evicted no later then July 2nd but it could be anytime. I am not happy Sophia will join her in the eviction.


It is so hard to be happy that Mya will be here soon when I know Sophia won't. How do I juggle all of this. On one hand I am happy we made it this far yet I know when this journey is done we only have one of our twins with us. Yes Sophia will be cremated and she will be home with us until I am ready to give her a final resting place. But it won't be the way it should be. We should be installing TWO car seats. We should have a double stroller. Our house she be invaded by Sophia AND Mya.

I am still struggling with this. I don't know how to manage these feelings. What do I do? What can I do? What's done is done. We will say our good byes to Sophia as we say our hellos to Mya. How I wish I got to feel her kicks again. What I would do to care for Sophia, even with her special needs. I would do it in a minute, no questions asked.

I will keep this posted if anything changes.

Friday, June 13, 2008

33w0d: What an eventful week!

For starters I can not even begin to express our gratitude to everyone. It has been a bit overwhelming to say the least. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sunday Eddie and I went to the hospital for a tour of the NICU. I think for me it was a bit much to take in. At that time they were taking care of 32 babies. I did not even know that the NICU could hold that many babies.

Monday I went back to the hospital for NST testing. Everything went well. Mya was on her best behavior. The nurse was happy about that. Tuesday I think it all caught up with me. All the going and going from the previous 5 days. I spent my birthday in bed. I needed it.Wednesday I saw Dr. Prema. Everything looks good. Mya is healthy.

I just have one more week of bed rest and then I can start walking to try to get labor going on its own. The only issue Dr. Prema had was from my first NST test to my test on Monday my fluid dropped 5 from 17 to 12. So we have to watch that. We just need Mya to make it to 34 weeks. If Mya hangs on one more week then most likely Mya will be able to come home with us with no NICU stay.

My next appointment with Dr. Prema is Wednesday, June 25th. On Wednesday Eddie and I also did our Labor and Delivery tour so now we know what to expect when the time comes. Thursday I went for another NST test and Mya was very active. The nurse had to hold the heart rate monitor the whole time since Mya was moving so much.Tomorrow I have one last set of blood work. Other then that we are planning on taking it easy this weekend.

Here is to one last week of bed rest. And more time with BOTH of my girls together as twins.

Throwing A Pitty Birthday Party for Myself.

Today is my 28th birthday and I am going to not have a good day. I have decided and there is no one to change my mind.

Since I started bed rest on April 6th I have spent 65 days in bed and for the first of those days I am happy to be in bed. I want to be here, I want to curl up in a ball and that is that.

More than ever I want BOTH of my babies safe and alive. I don't need to celebrate myself but I would have liked to have a day to think what next year would be like with my twin girls. Next year who knows where they would have been or what they would have been doing. Perhaps learning to walk. I can only lay here and imagine all the what ifs of my life.

Not that all of this daydreaming gets me anywhere. I am not sure if this is a dream or a nightmare. I know everything that we have been through when it all comes down to it is for Mya.

It seems to be daily that I think what if this is one huge mistake. What is Sophia is still alive. For goodness sake, Eddie's cousins are twins and they only knew about one of them until they were born. I really would not mind if one of them was a boy if that means I get BOTH of them. I would not mind if I had to run to Target or BRU and purchase an extra car seat. I would not mind if I had to go purchase little boy clothes. Because my brother in-law was a boy and they told Alice Gabriel was a girl. My point is this clearly would not be the first time the medical community was wrong right? Why can't I be one of those miracle stories?

That is my birthday wish!

Friday, June 6, 2008

32w0d: Well we, Eddie, Mya and I "graduated" from Dr. Shah's office.

Today was our last appointment with him unless there is some emergency that Dr. Prema needs Mya measured. Everything went well with the appointment. Mya is now 4 lbs 6 oz. She is measuring 2 days larger then my due date so everything is good. The only thing we are waiting on is her lungs to be developed enough for her to avoid any pro-longed stay in the NICU. I started my NST testing on Monday. It is just an hour each time they check the fluid and monitor Mya's heart rate and my contractions. I am still having very small ones but the are nothing to be too worried about.

Monday Mya was perfect she was active but not too active. Thursday was a different story. She was way to busy to be sitting still. Today at Dr. Shah's she was way too busy so he could not get all the measurements he wanted. But none the less she is healthy. The coming week seems to be very busy.

Tomorrow is my shower. It will be nice to see everyone.

Sunday we have our tour with the NICU just to be on the safe side. Monday I have NST testing. Wednesday I see Dr. Prema. Thursday I have more NST testing. I will report on Friday.

Friday, May 30, 2008

31w0d: My doctors appointment was changed to yesterday. So I went to see Dr. Prema. Mya looks good, she is still very active. Sophia is still on my cervix. Dr. Prema has decided to start me on Terbutaline to help stop or slow pre-term labor. I will also start going to the hospital twice a week for Non Stress Testing on Monday's and Thursday's.

Dr. Prema said that Mya looks like she is over 4 pounds so that is a good thing. She said by her best guess Mya will be here by the end of June. So basically anytime in the next month. The pack it on diet has proved to be well for Mya. Not for me.

Next Friday I am scheduled to see Dr. Shah. For the next two weeks I will be at the doctors three days each week.

Here is to another good week.

Friday, May 23, 2008

30w0d: We had an OK week.

I went to my appointment on Tuesday and Dr. Prema discovered that Sophia resting right on top of my cervix. That is what Dr. Tabash warned us about. So our new plan of attack if that stay on bed rest and get Mya to 5-6 pounds. I go back to see Dr. Prema next Friday and we will check and see if Sophia is still where we don't want her to be, if she is then we will evaluate the situation.

Given the situation Eddie and I finalized our plans for Sophia. We had planned on going to the mortuary last night to get all the paperwork done and due to the weather that did not happen.

The owner came to the house today and I signed everything that needed to be done ahead of time. So that is a huge thing that we had to get done. I am happy that this big step is done. I am not happy that we had to make such plans. Yet again this is another reminder of the fact that Sophia will really be gone soon. Though I don't feel her kicks she is still there. I find myself many a times a day resting both hands in the places that BOTH of my girls are. Sophia was/is so low and Mya is so high but yet I still feel like rubbing my lower bell over Sophia is a way to bond with her.

The owner of the mortuary gave us several cards. He said to have our doctor put one in our file so they know we have given them permission to take Sophia. He also said to have Eddie give one to the nurse at the hospital. I told him that my main focus at the hospital is going to be for peace. I just need things to be peaceful. I want to leave the hospital knowing that my Sophia is taken care of. I will not have the joy of leaving with two babies and as I know there is a possibility I will leave the hospital with no babies I would have much rather them BOTH be safe in the NICU but I won't get that either.

So that was our week. Here is hoping for another great week contraction free.

Friday, May 16, 2008

29w0d: Not as good of a week as we all were wanting.

Monday afternoon I got a call that I failed my 1 hour diabetes test and had to do the three hour test Tuesday morning. So I did. I pasted that with flying colors. Saw Dr. Prema yesterday. She said that most multiple pregnancies fail the one hour test. She also said that I am to start seeing her every two weeks. I told her about the pressure I was having and she said it is most likely from my uterus being enlarged from multiples.

Last night I was cleaning out my closet (I assume nesting) and when I went to the restroom I was spotting. We just let it be and when I got up in the middle of the night nothing. But when I got up at 9 this morning more spotting. I called the doctors office and she sent me to the hospital.

So Alice and I spent the day at Huntington. I am back on complete bed rest. They think that possibly Sophia is being rejected from my body. This is not something we talked about. This is not something that anyone prepared me for. They all told me she would be fine, she would stay put and we would deliver them together. They would share a birthday. I have been all about having peace when they are born. I just don't know what to think about all of this new news.

Depending on what happens this weekend and when I go back to see Dr. Prema on Tuesday if they will give me something to stop the minor contractions I am having and or Steroids for Mya to get her ready for an earlier then planned delivery if necessary.

Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day. We had dinner with our family. I relaxed as that is what I do these days. I reflected on both of my girls. How I am missing all of Sophia's movements and how active Mya has become.

I still very much want to see Sophia. I feel like I need to say good bye to her. She needs to have that time with her Mommy and Daddy. I feel I need to have that one moment in time that I hold both of my twin girls.

This game of pregnancy is no fun. I am so happy we have made it this far, yet I feel I have a hole in my heart now. I feel guilty for thinking this way. People are always telling me that I will be so blessed to have Mya. I know that but yet I feel like God felt I was not good enough to take care of two. Perhaps I am just not worthy. That bothers me so much.

We have worked so hard to get to this point and I feel like if I have let Sophia down how will I let Mya down.

So though Mother's Day was nice with my family, Mothers Day was not nice to me.

Friday, May 9, 2008

28w0d: Third Trimester!!!!!

This is great news. We are almost out of the danger zone for Mya. I had an appointment with Dr. Shah today. It went well. Mya is 3 lbs 1 oz. At today's appointment Mya insisted that she keep her foot near her face to obstruct all of the pictures we got today.

The past couple weeks have been good physically. I have only had minor Braxton Hicks contractions but other then that no real problems. I went last Saturday to re-do my Gestational Diabetes test since the tech did not get enough blood the first time and I did my toxin check. So far so good. I get the toxin test read next Friday. So that is all to report this week.

Mentally is a different story. I feel like I have let Mya down. She is not all I think about all day. I think of Sophia more often. I think how we are nearing the end of having her safe inside of me.
I also think of what Mya has been trough. How she is just sitting there next to her sister's lifeless body. I fear that will be traumatizing for her. I also think of how will I as a mother handle life as a mother of "a surviving twin" and not a mother of "twins" how will I tell Mya one day that she is technically a "little sister". When will be the right time to start talking about Sophia. Will Sophia be a part of our everyday life? There is so much I think about these days.

I am sorry to go on like that. I don't mean to be so morbid but these are the things I think about while on bed rest. It is my life for now.

On a lighter note. Tomorrow Alice & I will be attending Kirsten's first birthday.

Here is to one more week of remaining pregnant.

Friday, April 25, 2008

26w0d: For the exception of more contractions on Sunday night and being totally exhausted on Monday and Tuesday the week went well.

I had a doctors appointment this morning and I had my Gestational Diabetes test after that. Dr. Prema said I look very rested and she was happy with that. Mya's heartbeat was 151 bpm. She said everyday that Mya is not born is a million dollars to us. She said that most likely if I make it that far that she will plan the C-Section somewhere between 34 and 36 weeks. So that is the end of June, the beginning of July.

Not that I get to be picky about this but, we have enough birthdays in June so I am shooting for July. Plus it is crazy to think that Eddie and I will be parents in 8-10 weeks.

I am very excited for pregnancy to be over on one hand but when my pregnancy is over that means I loose Sophia for ever. I am not ready to say good bye yet. I have been struggling with this aspect of this whole thing since March 11th. I need to say good bye to her. I need to hold her. I need to kiss her one the top of her head.

I have more blood work to do next week to check for Toxin levels given off from Sophia. In two weeks we go see Dr. Shah again then the week after back to Prema. So that is that for now. Lets hope to make it through another week. Every week I write feels like I am closing another chapter. It is a good thing.