Friday, October 23, 2009

A Special Email From Carly

When I got Sophia's name in the sand I ordered the JPEG so I could print it. I never got it. So I emailed Carly. So today I got my photo file and she wrote Sophia's name again for me. I love them both, they are so nice and I love that I have these in places I can think about Sophia all the time.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

OC Walk To Remember

Last month while on Babycenter I saw that October 15th is the day of remembrance for pregnancy and infancy loss. So I signed up.

This morning Mya and I went to UC Irvine for the 5th Annual OC Walk to Remember. It was a cool morning so that made for a good walk. When Mya and I arrived I registered. Then I fed Mya breakfast in her stroller as I could not find any place to sit.

The memorial ceremony was so pretty I am so happy I attended and plan on attending next year. I think this was a wonderful way to reflect on Sophia. I think it is rather important for Mya to know about Sophia and to know that she is a twin.
I have struggled since finding out Sophia diagnosis how we will tell Mya about Sophia. First I though when she got her first dolly we would name her Sophia. Now after attending today's walk I hope to attend more events like this one and at the hospital to show Mya that Sophia was a very important part of my life and hers. I still stay if it was not for Sophia fighting as long as she did I may not even have Mya. And I thank Sophia for Mya every day of my life.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

To Write Their Names In The Sand

I have found this great blog. What Carly does is simply amazing. She is in Australia. I had put together a collage of photos of Eddie and Mya for Father's Day and when I went to get my laptop I noticed today was Sophia's turn for her name. I had hoped I would have it by their birthday. I am happy it came the day after Mya's birthday party and before their actual birthday. I am so pleased it looks so pretty and I am so happy that I have it. I want to get it framed for my desk at work and find some place special in the house for it.

I have found out that collecting your child's name is a common thing among mothers who have lost a child. I think I may start joining them in collecting names. The feeling I got when I saw this picture was amazing. I feel that this picture describes Sophia's beauty so perfectly. I am crying as I sit here and look at it.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

A Year In.........My Life

Let's summarize this year.

January 1, 2008 12:01 am: Asleep. That was the time all I wanted to do was sleep. Why I was pregnant with the 2 most amazing little girls and did not know how the wonderful innocence of pregnancy would be gone for life for me in 2 short weeks.

On January 15th my life would shatter before my own eyes. We found out that our precious twin A would be dying within 2 weeks, but no worries I won't feel a thing...... physically.

Two more week later on January 29th I got the wish I had been wishing for every second of every day for the previous two weeks. My twin A was still alive. We also found out A was a girl.
We spent many a days in the doctors watching our little girl fight for her life and to keep what we found out was her little sister safe.
Sophia gave it her all and we watched her get sicker and sicker. But I kept my hope in her alive. Then the day that changed my life forever. March 11, 2008. We found out our little fighter did not have anymore in her. Sophia passed away. No matter how much I prepared myself to hear that she had passed it still hurt so much. For 2 1/2 months she fought. I like to think that Sophia's fight for life even saved Mya's life.
April 1st, 2008, I started 76 days of bed rest. I knew I had to do it for Mya. I hated it but I did it. I had to.

June 2008. June is the most insane month for me personally and for all my family. We celebrate birthday's all month long. The first weeks is filled with birthday's. Then we had our baby shower. Then my birthday the following week and my in-law's wedding anniversary two days later. Then Molly's birthday. Then we found out my C-Section would be July 2nd. We celebrated Alice's 50th birthday on Sunday. After I went home feeling like garbage.

The following morning I went to the hospital for routine testing and found out I was in labor. That would be the day I said hello and good bye to one of my precious girls and welcome the hopeful safe arrival of the other.

My girls were born on June 30, 2008 at 8:16 pm. I did not get to see Sophia like I had planned and I am still dealing with that. It bothers me EVERY DAY of my life. I planned to see her. I needed to see her. I needed to say good bye properly. I feel I let her down.

We spent the beginning of this month fighting for Mya. She caught her first flu/illness. Mya got RSV. We spent day in and day out back and forth the the doctors. We even spent the night in emergency. I fought and fought with the doctors. I told them I reserve the right to be over protective mom. Finally they helped her. We found out she had RSV and that when preemies get their first illness it is usually worse than a normal infant. I am so thankful she is OK. Seeing her not her normal self tore me up inside.

Here we are in December and I still am struggling.
I don't know what to do. How to handle this.
I am beyond thankful for Mya. I love her more than anything/anyone on this earth. I am constantly reminded I should be a mother of twins. I should be buying matching outfits. I should have a double stroller. I should be able to celebrate this new year with 2 six month olds. But this is not the hand that I was given. Now I make life go on how it is. I do everything I do in life for her.