Thursday, June 30, 2011
Though I was not scheduled to become a Mommy for two extra days, Mya had plans of her own. I went to the hospital for my last NST test and found out this was the day my little girls would make their appearance.
Looking back now at this day there were so many things that went wrong and I just went with the flow. Then there is that phrase I so often use now. "If I knew then what I know now, things would have been different" I knew and had prepared myself for leaving the hospital with one child not two. Yes a big part of me was missing BUT I did not hit me until 3 months later. So yes in someways this was to be one of the hardest days of my life because I became a mother to Sophia. But I did not treat it that way because I had 14 weeks to prepare myself for the way things had to be. It was also to be one of the best days of my life because I became a mother to Mya.
This past month has been something else for me. I have struggled so much with my girls turning 3 years old. But today I celebrate them. Last night Linnea gave me the most awesome gift ever. "I'm Celebrating Sophia and Mya"
This year we did things a little different. We spent the night in Anaheim to spend two days at Disneyland. Last night Mya spent her last as a two year old at California Adventure. We ate dinner, watched World of Color and I got to see all the innocence in my child's eyes as she watched the show in such amazement.
This morning before Mya woke up I posted on facebook in her album of "Mya the beginning the middle and current" this picture. It is just so amazing to see what I have done in the last three years with this amazing little girl. Without Mya I don't know where I would be. As I posted on my facebook this morning:
This year she has been so excited for birthday's, and not just hers any one's birthday she gets to celebrate. Being told "Happy Birthday" all day really made this special for her.
To Mya I simply say this:
My Dearest Mya,
I love you. You are my little lady and I can not wait to see what this next year brings you. I know I am being biased but you are truly an amazing little girl. I love you so much and could not imagine life without you. Happy Birthday Miss Mya Quinn!
My Dearest Sophia,
I love you, miss you and always wish I got to spend just one moment with you. I always wonder how life would be with you in our arms and not just in our hearts. I can't thank you enough for making me the person I am today. Happy Birth Day My Sweet Sophia!
So three years ago today I said hello and good bye to my beautiful twin A Sophia Rene, born at 8:15 pm weighing 15.4 oz.
Also three years ago today at 8:16 pm I said hello to my baby, twin B, Mya Quinn. weighing 5 lbs 8 oz.
I love you girls!
Friday, June 17, 2011
I really don't want to switch lives with anyone. Though I have some issues I am happy with my life. I like who I am. I like what I do. I love my family and I could not ask for any more.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Since I am now the new owner of a IPod (a birthday gift from Eddie) I can answer this post.
1. Black Lung - Aggrolites, from the Dirty Regge album
2. Club Mediation - Hepcat, from the Out of Nowhere album
3. Can't Get You Off My Mind - Lenny Kravitz, from Greatest Hits
4. Devils Haircut - Beck, from Odelay
5. The Last DJ - Tom Petty
6. Soul Refreshing - Robert Randolph
7. Glycerine - Bush from Sixteen Stone
8. Miss Congeniality - Hepcat from Out of Nowhere
9. Here We Go Again - Everclear
10. Float - Flogging Molly from Float
I would say this is a very big mix of the music I like and listen to.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
Living A New Normal is my second blog. My first blog I started was for Mya. I started that one when she was one month old. At the time my little six pounder was my everything. I think that our new life had not hit me yet.
I started Living A New Normal in October 2010. I had planned on it being a place where I could put my previous journals I had written about my life parenting a surviving twin. In the last 8 months it has been an outlet for me personally. I find it to be healing with anything that may bother me.
I honestly don't care how much traffic it gets. It is a place for me to write me feelings. I know I am not the best writer but I still can express my feelings.
Friday, June 10, 2011
I consider "The Pretty Song" to be my Sophia song. I always think of both Sophia and Mya when I hear Sweet Child O Mine but I say this is my Mya song.
I love listening to all types of music. For some reason right now I have a person connections to Float by Flogging Molly. I don't know. It is just the song I listen to these days.
Seems like I veered a little off topic but there are the songs I listen too most frequently.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
This is an easy one. I would just like to get through this month. June is the busiest month for me personally. We have nothing but birthdays this month. The best birthday is the last day of the month. We will celebrate Mya on June 30th at Disneyland.
I think it is a simple goal but I would like to keep it.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
I woke up this morning at 4:30 wondering what my future holds for me. Though I do not know what my future holds I do know what ever it is I will fight my best to make it right for my daughter. I will continue to do my work in Sophia's name and keep a positive outlook in life.
When I walked into Huntington Hill I waited a minute. Then it was my turn to check in. While checking in a woman walked up to the desk to ask a question. While talking to the nurse she made a comment that stuck to me like you would not believe. "I have had cancer 3 times already I just want to be sure"
I have so much respect for this woman. I don't know her, she does not know me but I certainly respect her.
All week I have been telling myself as well as anyone I have talked to "I am fine" "I don't have cancer" "They are just checking things to be sure all is well"
However this morning I woke up feeling different. I could not tell myself any of that. My future will be known in the next hour or so. Isn't that something else? My whole life may change very shortly. We may be switching to breaking news. Who knows.
Before I go in I will say this: This is just a check up, nothing is wrong.
Since I never got to see my Sweet Sophia this is exactly how I envision her. Perfect as can be. When I think of the beauty of my daughter I always think of this picture.
I personally would like to thank Carly for how much of a positive impact she has had to all the families of loss.
Monday, June 6, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
However as her mother, I did not do well at all. I don't know what it is but every time Mya has a first I have a breakdown. I cried the whole time she was dancing. I have no clue why. I always ask myself is it because she is my baby? Is it because we should be having two firsts happen? Is it because I know these first are my lasts as a parent? I just don't know.
I know I love this little girl so much and want to give her anything her little heart desires (within reason) but yet there are so many milestones I am just an emotional mess. How does one find that balance? I am so proud of Mya and yet I feel like a piece of my is being taken.
All said and done I am so proud of Mya. She did an awesome job for only being 2 1/2 years old. I think music is her thing. She loves everything about music.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
I don't want to be the sappy person with a picture of Eddie as the picture of me and my friend. So we will just stick with I stuck and call it a day. I promise to be more diligent the rest of the month.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
I lost one of my twin daughters in utero. Since losing Sophia Rene I have have kept a journal of finding my new normal.
I started keeping a journal when I was pregnant and all was well. I wanted to keep a journal to one day give to my child. I updated it every week. How I felt, what the doctor said anything like that. Then January 15th came. Two naive parents walking into a specialist with there twins expecting to just have a simple ultrasound. Not really the case. That day changed our life forever.
On January 15th we found out two things. 1) our twin A was a little girl 2) she was very ill and according to the doctor with horrible bedside manner she would pass away within two weeks. Though that was not the case, she survived 9 weeks. Which goes to show you Modern Medicine is not PERFECT.
Once my girls were born, I went into Mommy Mode. I cared for my tiny (at the time) surviving twin. The whole time I was learning to be the Mommy I am today I felt a missing piece. I would rarely bring up Sophia as I did not want things to feel weird. But then came a time, I time I could not take up all the built up anger. So many things went wrong. The way we were given information, the way things happened at the hospital, just so many things. So I started keeping up with my journal. Then I started WTRLA and decided it was time to share. I am happy I have this.
There are not too many twin mommy's like me out there. I have three very close to me twin mommy's that I can relate to and they can relate to me. But in the same token there are many mother's of loss out there that I can relate too. Just like so many of us say..... "A loss is a loss" we are all united as one this this horrible common bond. This bond has made us all the women we are today. Strong, loving, beautiful women. I personally am so happy to have you all in my life.
So there you have it. The meaning behind my blog.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
This picture was taken on Monday at the happiest place on earth: Disneyland. We were on the Teacups. Sorry I am wearing my sunglasses as they are my only form of vision.
Now on the part two of the challenge, 15 interesting facts about myself. You may find this part boring because I am going to be looking for things to entertain you.
1. My name is Cassie Marcia Beserra (formally Jojola)
2. I am 30 years old, my birthday is June 10, 1980.
3. I have been kind of thinking I want another child. But not yet.
4. I am married to Eddie Michael Beserra, we were married on August 29, 2004 in Las Vegas.
5. We have two pets, Buster and Bozley. Mya calls Boz "Bozzy Cat" and they love to rub heads, it is the cutest thing ever.
6. I currently drive a Chevy Malibu Maxx (for gas purposes these days, soon I may be going back to my Equinox)
So here is the list:
Day 01- A recent picture of you and 15 interesting facts about yourself
Day 02- The meaning behind your Blog name
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends
Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have
Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to
Day 06- Favorite super hero and why
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you
Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why
Day 09- Something you’re proud of in the past few days
Day 10- Songs you listen to when you are Happy, Sad, Bored, Hyped, Mad
Day 11- Another picture of you and your friends
Day 12- How you found out about Blogger and why you made one
Day 13- A letter to someone who has hurt you recently
Day 14- A picture of you and your family
Day 15- Put your iPod on shuffle: First 10 songs that play
Day 16- Another picture of yourself
Day 17- Someone you would want to switch lives with for one day and why
Day 18- Plans/dreams/goals you have
Day 19- Nicknames you have; why do you have them
Day 20- Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future
Day 21- A picture of something that makes you happy
Day 22- What makes you different from everyone else
Day 23- Something you crave for a lot
Day 24- A letter to your parents
Day 25- What I would find in your bag
Day 26- What you think about your friends
Day 27- Why are you doing this 30 day challenge
Day 28- A picture of you last year and now, how have you changed since then?
Day 29- In this past month, what have you learned
Day 30- Your favorite song.
This morning I left my office for five short minutes to get something from my car, check the mail and use the restroom. When I returned I noticed I had a missed call, from my doctor. My first thought was it was something non-important as his nurses tend to mess my appointment up for my shots. But then something told me to check my voicemail. So I did. The message was simply the doctor needs to talk to you. With all the test going on I thought he was just wanted to check on me with my new regiment to clear the right side of my sinuses.
So I called, I stood on hold for 20 minutes. Finally I got a nurse who told me I would have to call back when the doctors nurse got back. I told her she should call me back as I don't want to sit on hold for 20 more minutes. So then she asked me to hold on. She came back on the phone to tell me the doctor wants me to get a Mammogram as a result of my chest CT Scan. She also told me the doctor will call me back when he was done with his patient.
So naturally where does my head start wondering? I called Eddie and told him the news. He told me it will be OK. We need to wait to talk to Dr. Chen. While I was talking to Eddie Dr. Chen called. I promptly told Eddie I would call him back.
Our conversation was very simple.
Me: Hi Dr.
Chen: Hi Cassie
Me: So now what is going on?
Chen: I got an email from Dr. Sather (my pulmonary doctor) saying he got the results back from your chest CT Scan. They found something we need to have looked at.
Me: What did they find?
Chen: There is a mass on your breast approximately 1.25 cm. The problem is I don't know which breast, I have sent an email to Sather to get all the information.
Me: So what do I need to do?
Chen: I want you to go back to the same place you had your CT Scan and get a Mammogram so we can rule out the worse. I will send the order over immediately.
Me: I will call them now.
Chen: You are young everything is going to be fine, don't worry.
Me: Thank you Dr. Chen, easier said then done. Also just out of curiosity, how old would I be when I would normally get my first Mammogram?
Chen: Um, 40.
Me: Thank you doctor. I will call Madison now.
I kelp my composure through the whole conversation. I then called Eddie and started to get teary. Eddie calmed me and told me everything will be OK.
I know everything will be OK. I am sure everything is fine. However it is the waiting that is hard.
I called Madison to make the appointment and she told me they don't do those specific tests in that office. She gave me a number to Huntington Hill Breast Center. I called there to make an appointment. I was told there were no available appointments until the beginning of August. But given the fact of my age and that I have never had a Mammogram before they will escalate this and I will be seen in the next two weeks. I will get a call this morning with my appointment time. So now the wait begins.
After all was done my co-worker told me things will be fine. Then my boss walked into the lunch room and asked what we were talking about. So the office knows.
Everything will be fine......now we wait.