Monday, May 30, 2011


I feel like I am in such a funk. I don't know why. I feel like there is so much self sabotage going on and I don't know why I do this to myself.

In a couple days we will enter the busiest most celebrated month in my personal calendar. Mya is so into birthday's right now. She has a long list of celebrating to do. Though I know it is not intentional she never remembers my birthday in the list of celebrations. It is OK though admittedly is stings a little (kind of like Mother's Day).

As I am self sabotaging my life and well being, after I can't help but think to myself. Why do I do this to myself? I know better. Yet again and again I do it.

I am quite content in life hanging out at home at the moment. Those who know me know this is not me at all. But it currently works for me.

In other non depressing news Buster went missing last Saturday night. He was found this past Friday. Alice, Mya and I went to go claim him this morning. After going rounds and rounds with Animal Control we finally got him. Mya was so happy to see him. While I was waiting in line Alice and Mya went to go find him. When they found him Mya comes running into me shouting at the top of her lungs "we found Buster, Mommy! Get the keys so we can go save him" She waited and waited until all was said and done. We finally got Buster back.

Yesterday we attended a birthday party for Ashli, Jon and Joey up in Lake LA. Mya had the time of her life. She jumped for three+ hours. It was nice to see old friends and see Mya enjoy herself, but again I felt that funk the whole time.

Then I also feel like I am really dreading the girls third birthday. To be honest I know I should be WAY past this mopping around feeling that comes over me when I think of Sophia 3+ years later. I feel worse right now then I did for their 1st and 2nd birthday's. Again why I feel like this I just don't know. I know I hate feeling like this but it is the way I feel.

I seem to be so amazed with the way life is for our little family. Mya is doing so well, yet in turn she is testing the waters big time and again I hate that. I hate this part of parenthood.

Enough rambling. That is that for now.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

The Power of a Rainbow

There is something about the power of a Rainbow. The thoughts of possibilities it brings to you. The smile it brings to your face. And for all the mothers of loss the HOPE, LOVE and JOY a Rainbow brings to your life.

I have not been sleeping well for about a month now. However in the last three days or so I have been sleeping better........ with a catch. I have been sleeping about 6-7 hours but waking every morning between 4:45 and 5:30. Last night we spent the night at my parents house. My mom left for work at 4:30. I woke up right at 5:00. Mya woke up at 6:00 am. So we did our morning routine, bath, shower, dressed and we left my mom's house right at 7:00 am.

For those who don't know where I grew up, my parents live in a very small desert town. Lake Los Angeles is where I spent my time from the young age of 4 until 21 when Eddie and I moved in together.

As we started our long journey home, we passed Ashli's house and Mya promptly said "thanks for Ashli's birthday party" about two minutes later as were were about to exit Lake LA we were greeted by a little bit of rain and the most lovely Rainbow. It was complete. There were two ends.

I know I only got one side of the Rainbow but it was so powerful to me. Since there was no one on the road, I slowed down and snapped this picture. Plus the shocking thing is that I took this picture with my phone. I promptly sent the picture to Alice, Tiffany and Molly.

My comment on the picture:
"Mya and I are about to drive somewhere under the Rainbow"

(My mom has got Mya addicted to "Wizard of Clause")

About 10 more minutes into our drive I saw another little Rainbow burst. This time I had to pull over to try and get a picture of this little burst. I promptly got my camera from the back of the car and got this picture. I was so amazing. But this time I felt Sophia's presence with me. I felt amazing. It was simply a little burst of Rainbow a little cluster. Not a big giant rainbow like Mya and I drove under.

For that moment in life I felt at peace. At peace about what life has handed me. A peace that I am a Mom to two amazing little girls.

I am not the person that has dreams nightly. Or the person that believes Sophia is with me at all time. However, I am the person that wants Sophia's twin sister to know who she is and who her older twin sister is. But for this very moment the peace that came over me was simply amazing.

Monday, May 23, 2011

Here We Go

So this afternoon at 2:00pm I meet with the surgeon in Pasadena. Part of me is scared and the other part of me is ready to get this done with.

I know I am sleeping but I am not sleeping well. I feel as I am just as sleepy when I wake up in the morning then I felt when I went to bed. I have to sleep on the love seat or sleep sitting up in bed to get any sleep what so ever. I simply can not function anymore like this. It is so discouraging.

Lets hope this is the beginning of the end.

Friday, May 20, 2011

A New Diagnosis.

Who knows for how long we will stick with this new diagnosis but for now we are sticking with "Sinus Disease". I will go Monday or Tuesday to the ENT Surgeon. I had two CT Scans on Wednesday. I got the call from Dr. Sather this afternoon with the results of the sinus scan which gave the new diagnosis.

Every time we have a new diagnosis I feel like this is it then in a few weeks that is it, I feel horrible again. I am so tired of it all. Seven months of this is just enough. On Wednesday with my appointment with Dr. Sather he basically put it this way: "Part of me wants the test to come back with a problem so we can finally figure it out, the other part of me does not want it to come back with anything" So there we have it. The CT came back with something big.

I don't like being this grouchy, moody and non-functional. It is not who I am. I am to the point all I do is sew little yo-yo's and hot glue little rosettes. Mya's hair clip selection is growing too much. I too have a growing selection of brooches to choose from as if I did not have tons already as brooches have been my jewelry of choice.

My hope is soon this will all be over. The new goal in life is to be functional again.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The Mind Is Just An Amazing Thing.

Lately there have been so many things on my mind. I have been feeling under the weather again. The Pulmonary Doctors are still trying to figure out what is wrong. As of Friday I am back on the steroids. I can't handle feeling this way.

I feel like there is so much I need to accomplish. I feel like I am hitting this mid life crisis. I have so much to do and so much I am thinking of.

I know I have so much work to do at work and I am trying to hard to get it all done. I am so thankful to have the job I do and to have the currently understanding bosses. I was suppose to work this weekend and I could not do it all of the Allergy/Bronchitis/Chronic Respiratory Disease, what ever it is call these days. I am simply tired of it. Case closed. Rest when I can is my new motto. I need to stop going to doctor's appointment and get to work. Case closed. But I need to get better. That is also another problem. I just need the doctors to figure out what is wrong.

Tick, tick, tick. All time being wasted. But if I could just get better life would be better.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

A Peaceful......

Mother's Day. Though it was a bumpy Saturday, Eddie totally made up for it on Mother's Day. I made one simple request for Mother's Day. I wanted chocolate, chocolate chip pancakes from IHOP. I wanted them to go and to eat them at the house.

After going through everything with Mya last night she and I went to bed at 7:45 last night. When I woke up this morning it was raining. Eddie got up to go move something from the patio and then came the surprise. He called Mya downstairs and a few minutes later I came down to breakfast cooking a the most beautiful roses from my two loves.

Eddie made me my pancakes. I have to say he did an awesome job. After breakfast Mya and I went to Target with Alice and then we came home to rest. It was a nice morning of absolutely nothing, just as I wanted.

I left the house at 11:30 for lunch with Alice and Bea. When I arrived at Alice's house she gave me a gift. It was a necklace I saw months ago and wanted. I was quite surprised. We enjoyed a nice lunch. Then Alice and I went to Kohl's so I could finish what I started last night. I found a dress that was very me. I don't usually purchase things for myself and this was too perfect to pass up. So happy Mother's Day to me.

I hope that my two mother's had a very blessed day, as well as all the other mothers I am blessed to know.

I would have to say, though I don't have too many Mother's Day's under my belt this one was a good one.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

34 months in and it has finally been done.

Tonight Alice and I took Mya for her first haircut. Though it was not much of a cut, she still got her first hair cut. At first she thought it was a game. Then we started with washing her hair. Surprisingly she did so well. She loved having her hair washed. Then came time for the cut. She did so well I am so proud of her. Though we did not get much hair cut, we still got some hair cut.

Sunday, May 1, 2011


Today is International Babylost Mother's Day. Today was also the picnic for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles.

It was a beautiful day. I am so happy with the way things turned out. I wish more families would have joined us, but it is OK. We were all in amazing company. We got some great pictures. I was so happy all of the mother's I work with got to celebrate Motherhood as they are all "Beautiful Mothers"

In the last year I have got to know some of the most amazing women, from all walks of life. Some older, some younger. All amazing.

I am very blessed to have spent my IBMD in great company. I love all of the mother's I work with, without you all WTRLA would be nothing. Thank you, I love you and you all amaze me with your strength and wisdom. Anytime I think of our most common bond it always saddens me to know that most likely if not for the death of our children we would never have met. All of our sweet angels are keeping track of us.

To sum up the day it was BEAUTIFUL. As beautiful as all the mother's I know in this world. I hope everyone enjoyed their day.

Now it is time for rest. But it was worth every moment of work I put into this day. But I did not do it alone. Number one to thank is Eddie without him nothing would have got done this morning. Also thank you to Joan, Kassi, Tiffany, my Mom, Alice and everyone that attended today's picnic. What a perfect way to also celebrate WTRLA's 1st anniversary next Friday.