Monday, January 31, 2011

This Day.

This day is always bad for me. This day is hell for me. I need this day over. Soon, no, NOW.

It is no big secret what I do for a living. The only problem is that as Mya gets older it appears to get harder to do my job and be a mommy.

There is always that wonderful thrill when you sign your last tax return or press send on the last sales tax return that you can breath again. A sigh of relief. Well the problem is today I did not get that moment of completion.

I kid you not, the second I pressed "FILE RETURN ELECTRONICALLY" two clients walked in the door. It was go, go, go.

Perhaps this is the reason I feel like the breakdown is coming. I should have left work at a decent hour today so I could cook dinner at home for my family. (This is something I have not done in two weeks, no joke)

OK vent over, for now.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Worse Feeling of Guilt EVER!

On Saturday's while at work I go get lunch for our office. The last two weekends we have had Zankou for lunch. Last week when I drove by this very location I took a moment to reflect on my Sweet Sophia as I always do when I drive down Whittier Blvd.

Today how ever was different. I was driving and my head was turned the other way. I was admiring the park across the street. It was so well shaded and just like a nice place to lay and enjoy a Saturday afternoon, rather than work.

Before I knew it I had past the last Sophia was. Risher Mortuary. The first place I drove once I was allowed to drive after my C-Section. The one place I wish I did not take Mya to (twice).

Again those are two days that stick out in my head so perfectly.

The first day we took Mya to the doctor to check her billiruben then we came here to re-do all the paper work since LA County changed their forms 3 hours and 44 minutes after my beautiful little girls were born. I remember the seats being much too low for a person who just had abdomen surgery. I remember Mya slept the whole time we were there. I remember sitting in this room with Urns, just thinking my 6 day old should not be here so we can make final arrangements for her twin sister.

On our second trip to Risher is was just Mya and I. Mya was two weeks old on the dot it was Monday, July 14th, 2008. I remember on Friday night I had got a call that Sophia was ready to be picked up on Monday. All weekend I was thinking about my little girl and what life would be like if I had both of them with me here on Earth.

That morning Eddie got up to go back to work for the first time since the birth of our little girls. Eddie left. All I could focus on was having BOTH of my girls home with ME! I packed up Mya for our first outing alone, just the two of us. I had everything packed and we were on the way. I took the streets the whole way. When we got there I parked and put on the Baby Bjorn and got Mya out and all snuggled in. I took a deep breath before I opened the door. I walked in and was greeted by two women. They both looked at Tiny Mya and they knew what I was there for. By that time I was in tears. just holding Mya and saying "I am here for my daughter, Sophia Rene Beserra"

More tears came and they gave me Sophia. And more tears. I said thank you. I turned around holding both of my girls. I had longed for that moment since before they had been born.

As I was turning to leave one of the women said she would help me to the car. When I got Mya safely in the car she gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was for my loss. I cried.

Now this feeling of such guilt has come over me. I am the one who when asked always pauses for a second and answers I have two daughters or children. There is no way I am forgetting about Sophia, is there?

Saturday, January 22, 2011

A Week In Blah........

This has been a very busy week. I have had so much going on. From petty things to important things. But it has been a busy week. Work, Walk to Remember, Los Angeles and all the everyday things that come along with life.

On the plus side Mya has been doing pretty well with the tax time transition. This morning was the first morning she did not want me to leave her. She wanted me to sit with her and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Mya is also doing really well with being potty trained. Around the 1st of the year we kind of just started wearing panties during the day. Kind of cold turkey. Since cold turkey started Mya has had maybe 4 accidents. So I would say we are doing well.

On a work note, work is busy, it always seems to be the little things that are the most time consuming. Dropping what I am doing to help "the needy one" seems to be most irritating. But I have to say I am very blessed to have a job. Work will get done. That is pretty much all I have to say. That is really all I can say. It will get done.

Walk to Remember, Los Angeles has wonderful things on the horizons for us. We are working on the Rummage Sale. Working on getting the website re-done. Working on the BLM Picnic in May. We are also working on one more fundraiser. So there are great things in store for us. I have to say it is wonderful to have a team of help. I know that Kassi and I can't do it all.

I am looking forward to Long Beach on Monday. I think it is always a great evening for me to get out.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Face2Face Los Angeles

The great ladies at Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope have put together something new and it is going to be local. I am the Face2Face Los Angeles group leader. I hope that this will be a nice group for a ladies night out or even a day at the park for Mama's and their Rainbow's. I am very excited about this and it will be a nice time to get out with our peers.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Committee Meeting.

Today we had a WTRLA committee meeting. It was good to get all the things built up in my head out and talked about.

We are planning on a Rummage Sale, we need to find a location. So get all your unwanted items together. We will find a home for it and hopefully make some money.

Next we are planning a picnic for Sunday, May 1st. It will be a nice day to celebrate being mothers, as it will be International Babyloss Mother's Day. My next chore is to find a home. Then we will get our committee together to finalize the logistics of everything. I think I am as excited about this even as I am about the 2nd Annual Walk to Remember, Los Angeles. I think it will be a great day for all of us mothers to reflect on our children.

We talked about the walk. The good and bad things of last year. We talked about location, we are planning on keeping the same location. The walk is going to be help on October 15th. Since that is the actual day of remembrance we are working on something special to incorporate the candle lighting aspect into our day.

Now I need to start making my To-Do Lists and get them out. I really think it is great to have every one's help. That is so awesome. Be on the lookout for emails, they are coming.

I really feel like this is going to be a great year for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles

D Day.

Three years ago today was Sophia's DIAGNOSIS DAY. I remember quite a few details of January 16, 2008 very clearly.

I went to work, I remember the dress I had on. I remember walking into the office and fighting with them about our insurance. I remember Eddie getting there after the insurance issue. I remember us sitting there by the door. I remember thinking that everyone seemed uptight and we did not belong there, hoping we only had to come once. We got called in, I went to the restroom. I laid down the doctor came in, did his thing and then he showed us Sophia. He told us she looks like a girl due to her abnormalities. He showed us all the fluid on her lungs, heart and showed us her Hygroma. He told us she had what looked like Turner's Syndrome, Hydrops and a sever Cystic Hygroma. He said this is a leather combination, in his best guess she would die in the next two weeks. When he said that my eyes welled up. I had nothing to say. Eddie grabbed my hand and rubbed it. Eddie asked how we would know she had passed away. He told us I would not feel it and to come back in two weeks so we can check everything out.

As we were walking out of the appointment a nurse asked us if we would like a DVD of the Ultrasound. I shook my and walked out of the office. Thinking back on that I wish I would have said yes.

Three years ago today I lost the innocence of pregnancy.

I am much better today than I was 2 years ago. But that is because Sophia is an everyday part of our lives now. I feel that Sophia is a healthy part of my life.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

When I Am Busy I Am Better

This phrase was recently written to me in an email from a family member. Since Wednesday it has been sticking with me. Maybe this phrase is meant for me.

It is no secret I am always on the go. I always have something going on. In the famous words of Forrest Gump "When I was tired I slept".

I am very thankful in today's world to have a job. Though I bitch about working Saturday's right now I am thankful to have a job. Not only is it a job, but a job with bosses that are understanding. So understanding that the day after "D" as I sat at work at my desk and cried half the day because I could not handle the news Eddie and I just received. So understanding the day after Sophia passed away I did not have to come to work, but when I did show up flowers were delivered to my desk. So understanding when I was put on bed rest 2 weeks before income taxes were due, though my name was cursed they made due. So understanding that after a 6 month hiatus I was welcomed back to work. So understanding that when I had a sick preemie it was OK. So understanding that it is OK to be a MOMMY. Now so understanding that I can run Walk to Remember, Los Angeles at work.

I also have a part time job bookkeeping. I have Walk to Remember, Los Angeles. I always have something to do. I like it like that. I honestly have to say. I think my life is better this way.

My family is most important to me. As Mya and I were driving home last night she told me "you are that Daddy and Daddy is the Mommy now" I almost broke down crying when she told me that. I know that I have been very busy at work recently, but it still hurt. Then last night when I told Eddie what Mya has said, he said "It's true, what do you want me to tell you, it is all going to be OK?" Again it hurt.

Now I am off to work. Mya and Eddie will spend the morning with Alice. I will work until 1 or 2.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

A Thought I Wish Never Crossed My Mind

Just a few nights ago I had a thought. I was thinking how I had not heard of any other families that had lost. Though we have been through a few birthday's and anniversaries recently it did not seem like I had heard of any "newcomers" to our exclusive club that no one really wants to join yet all of our new friends we can count on for understanding are members.

Monday night in Long Beach I met the parents of "M". It broke my heart to hear her story. What a wanted and loved little girl she is. Tuesday was 1 month since her passing. Then today I get a text message from a very old friend of mine. She said a good friend of hers had lost her son and that thoughts and prayers needed to be sent to her. Her son was born premature. He was due in March, that was the only information I had.

So then I started thinking. Why would I allow myself to think such a thing. Now look. No matter how prepared you think you are for such a thing you are not. Now I kick myself for thinking this morbid thing.

I have told people when I tell them our story "I would not wish this on my worse enemy" yet this thought came across my mind.

Shame on me.

Monday, January 10, 2011

A Wonderful Day for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles and Sophia.

Today was a very big day for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles and Sophia.

I had ordered 10 memorial boxes for WTRLA to donate to Long Beach Memorial/Miller's Children's Hospital. I have been working with Franchesca Cox @ to have the boxes made. When placing the order I asked if she would make one for Sophia too.

So my day started with checking the tracking number as I knew regardless I would be going to Long Beach tonight.
So at about 1:30 this afternoon my box arrived. I immediately sent a message to Franchesca to let her know I had the boxes. I was so busy at work I opened it up real quick to be sure all was secure. About an hour later I had a minute so I looked for Sophia's box. There is was. A sudden tear came to my eye. It was so PERFECT. As a matter of fact I think this is where I want to keep Sophia. I love the fact that is was Sophia's collage that Franchesca made for Sophia. It makes this resting place personal for Sophia. I snapped a couple pictures while at work to text Alice and Eddie to show them.
When I finished work around 6pm I was on the way to Long Beach. Karen had text me that she was going to go to group that evening as well. I got down there pretty quick so I made a stop at Starbucks and then went to the hospital. When I parked Karen had something for Sophia. It was a cross with a dove on it with a scripture. Karen and I saw a sign from Mason and Sophia on Mason's birthday. The gift was perfect.
Right when we were getting ready to head into the hospital TJ and Mary had arrived. Mary also had something for me, it was scrapbook paper with angel wings on it. I can't wait to use it. It does make me think I should start Sophia's scrapbook as I have been dragging my feet.
We all walked into the hospital and were greeted by Sharon and sadly a new couple to the group. We said our hello's and I gave Sharon the boxes, she was very happy to receive them. I was happy to give them to her though we both know all too well it is not for a happy reason we came together.
We had a lovely meeting and then I got another gift for Sophia. A ceramic heart to carry with me and remember Sophia by, not that I will ever forget her but I was happy to receive it.
We all said our goodbye's and I started my journey home. I called Kassi to talked about Sunday's meeting. Everything is a go. We will see what Sunday brings.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Grab My Button

I have been working with Frachesca Cox on a few things. Her work is simply amazing. She has helped so many people with blog designs. She several of her own blogs here is one:

I asked her to make a button for Living A New Normal so here it is, go a head and grab my button:

Saturday, January 1, 2011

A New Year!

So this is a new year again. Though I still think of November- mid January as the blissfully ignorant months of my life during my pregnancy I also think of how we start the cycle of anniversaries again.

Last year was a very big year for me personally. I took on some major tasks at work. I started a non-profit organization, I turned 30 and a very big one....... I cut off my hair and donated it in Sophia's name.

So what do we think this year will bring. I know that when I go back to work Monday I will have major chores to do. I also know that this starts the time of the year that not only do I feel like a horrible mother but I know I am a horrible friend. This is why I general don't keep a lot of friends.

For WTRLA I expect it to be bigger than last year. I want to do more fund raising. We are donating 10 memory boxes to Long Beach Memorial/Miller's Children's Hospital. I am most hopeful that we will have a picnic on May 1st to celebrate all the mother's who have lost a child for International Babyloss Mother's Day. I am also helpful we will have a few other fundraisers to continue giving gifts when needed. My personal goal for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles this year is to have 300 participants in attendance this year.

I know that before I get all crazy about WTRLA I have to focus on work. That is #1 must at this point in time.

Now that I am hopeful for the year ahead let me tell you about my New Year's. Last night my mom came and spent the night and relaxed at our house while we went to Dave, Linnea and Kiki's house for a birthday party, NYE party. It was nice kick back with a lot of talk of current pop culture.

This morning we got up and went to Johnny's house for breakfast. Mya made a mad dash to his cabinets to help herself to marshmallow's her favorite treat in the whole world. We sat and chatted and watched the Rose Parade.

We went home and relaxed a little bit and then my Mom and I took Mya and we went to do our annual viewing of the Rose Parade floats. Mya was ready for a nap so my Mom and I took the time to really enjoy all the floats. We had a nice afternoon.

It was a nice afternoon, we got a lot of pictures and I have to say I am very hopeful for 2011. To happiness, health and whatever else you are in search of this year.

I personally can't wait to see what this year brings for me personally, for my family and for Walk to Remember, Los Angeles. I leave you with a picture from the Rose Parade floats, two Polar Bears.