Thursday, February 24, 2011

Just Go With It.

That seems to be my new motto. I can pretty much guarantee that I will be working late from now until March 15th. Then I will get a week or so break of working really late. Then back at it again.

I have fallen off the face of the Facebook earth. I have work to do and I need to get it done. So no Facebook at work is my personal rule. It is just something I need to do.

Eddie and I went to my orientation tonight and met my doctor, should I decided to have the surgery. He is younger, which I like. In my opinion there is something about younger doctors they are up with the current trends in medicine. Eddie and I share the same doctor and we both are happy with him. I like that when I need something it is usually just a phone call away. So I go back to meet with my new doctor on March 2nd.

Tonight Eddie and I were both a bit overwhelmed with life and we were simply rude to each other. So on the way to Torrance we did not say one word to each other. After my appointment we both just let it out. Now the way we did this validates my reasoning for saying Eddie and I are much better friends than husband and wife. All we did was call each other out on each other's bullshit. For us that is healthy. It makes us both feel better then it is over. So I am happy we got all of that out in the open tonight.

Work is work, there is a ton of it. That is all I can say about that. I am very thankful to have Paul. He is a good boss. Our major form of communication is basically sarcasm based. And when ever either one of us needs a good laugh there is always 37. (Paul you know what I mean, if you are reading this, but then there is my favorite 46).

So for everyone who was curious, I have not fallen off the face of the earth, I just have been busy. As Mya lays next to me asleep in my bed, I am so thankful to have her in my life, though she appears to be mad at me for not being around so much I am still happy to have her here with me. I look forward to spending my entire Sunday with her.

Plus in other Mya news: She is starting school on Tuesday. Tomorrow will be her last day of daycare. This morning I was a bit emotional when I took Mya to daycare because Mya has blossomed into such a little girl since Yolanda has been her caregiver. Mya has made friends and she has had so many of her firsts since being with Yolanda. All I can say is the last two years have been something else for Mya. I am still on the fence about Mya going to school. I hope she does OK. I have told Yolanda if things don't work out Mya will be back. I hate making major changes in our life during tax time. So I am doing my best to stay optimistic about Mya starting school.

In Sophia news: Two weeks from tomorrow will be three years since Sophia's passing. I truly don't know how I am taking this. I think this year is going to be the year that I don't stress it, and just reflect on my Sweet Sophia. I know very well there is nothing I can do about it. I just find it so hard to believe it has been three years. When you say three years that seems like so long ago, but then I look at Mya and think her life has been so short and that she will be three in 3 1/2 months and I don't think three years old is that much. So I don't know why I think that the thought of Sophia's third anniversary of her death seems like so SO so long ago.

OK, enough rambling. Here is my update on life and I am sticking to it.

Monday, February 21, 2011

My New Favorite Picture

Eddie took the most amazing picture for me. Though I did the editing, I am just in love with this picture. I think it says it all. Mya at one of her favorite places with Sophia.

When I found out I was pregnant with twins I always told Eddie that I was not going to be one of those mom's that had her children matching all the time. I want my children to be their own person.

When Eddie and I talk about Sophia and what she would be doing these days we always remark that Sophia and Mya would be the total opposites. Sophia would be the quiet one. She would have very straight hair and have a darker complexion like her father. As Mya has her wild trademark hair and is very outgoing and has fair skin like her mother.

But Mickey's ear would always match. I remember when I got Sophia's ears on July 2nd, 2010 several things happened that night. I went alone to Disneyland. I watched the fireworks, ate a corn dog, rode Matterhorn and watched Fantasmic. Then the last thing I did was go to get Sophia's ears. It was already after midnight. I went to the hat shop at the front of Main Street. I picked the ears. When I paid the clerk asked me how old was the child I was purchasing the ears for? I paused and told her they are for my daughter who has passed away. I want them so they match her twin sister's ears.

I then called Eddie and asked him what color Mya's hat had on it. I really wanted them to match so perfectly. So now my girls have two things that match perfectly. Their Memory boxes and the Mickey Ears.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Getting Back Up

I am trying. That is all I can say. This week I lost 4.6 lbs so that is good. I have made it a point to spend as much time as I possibly can with my "Mini Me". I have come to terms with the fact that I have been sick for close to two months and that does not help any of my problems. I finally am feeling better I hope this is the last of being sick.

I keep focused on work during work. I go home and try to keep up with home life as much as possible and I go to bed. Then repeat. What else can I do.

I will have to work late tomorrow night so I will go home and go to bed. Eddie's hours are somewhat messed up this week so all three of us are rolling with the punches.

Poor Mya appears to be cutting a new molar. We went to Eddie and Alice's house tonight for dinner and when we got there Mya was not a happy camper. the left side of her face was a little swollen and rosey red. So we ate and went home. By 7:15 Mya and I were in my bed for the night. I did my best to keep her comfortable, that is basically all I can do. We watched a movie and cuddled.

So I keep going. That is all I can do for now.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Admitting Defeat

I am admitting defeat, from my self. I have let myself down. Simply put I can't go on like this anymore.

I am tired. I have tried for so long now to put on this show of "Superwoman" Simply put I just can't do it anymore. What makes this whole thing so much worse is that it hurts me to say that. It hurts me to know that I can't hack it at my own life.

I know I can't hack it as a wife. I question if I am a good mother. I know I simply can not do my job anymore. And the one that hurts I think the most is no matter how hard I try WTRLA always gets put on the back burner.

I had the opportunity to go home at a normal time last night and I stayed an extra hour to get one thing done and I caught hell for it at home. I made a New Year Resolution to do my job to the best of my ability and even though I spend about 90% of my day doing my work there are still simply not enough hours in the work day to get it all done. Which puts me in the worse position EVER. Do I stay at work to get work done OR do I go home in time to at least say goodnight to Mya. Seeing Mya for an hour and half a day does not make my life as a Mommy easy. It kills me that I can not be the Mommy she needs at this time of the year.

WTRLA I have tried and tried to make this thing thrive. I knew during tax time it would have to be put to the side. We had our rummage sale on Saturday and I handed it off so that it could be handled while I was at work and something still happened. I am not pointing fingers but why did this have to happen. I little warning would have made my life easier.

Being a wife is something I have never been good at. Ask anyone that has gotten a chance to know me and they know I give everything I do my very best. But being a wife, lets just face it I suck at it. I am not cut out to be a wife. Eddie and I are the most competitive people and we do it to each other. Eddie and I are meant to be friends.

My diet, what diet. I simply, mentally can not do it right now. I need to do and yet I appear to be letting stress get the best of me. I don't know why I do that but I do. It is horrible but I do.

Now comes the part that I just don't know what to do. How do I fix all of this? I can't just focus on work and come home to my family on April 18th like nothing ever happened. I can't take a leave of absence for 6 months like I did in 2008 after Sophia passed away. I can't just drop WTRLA and plan a Mother's Day Picnic in 12 days after tax time is done. So what do I do?

I need to leave my little pity party funk and move on. Keep going. Get over it. But then I ask myself can I really keep being the Superwoman people expect me to be? But then I ask myself again........ Why can't I just say no sometimes?

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day Since Being a Mother.

2008 was my first Valentine's Day since I became a mother. In 2008 I was 15 weeks pregnant with my girls. We knew that Sophia was a girl and a few days after Valentine's Day we found out that Mya "looks" like a girl. Though I seem the reflect on Sophia most at this time of year since she was still putting up a good fight, I still can't believe we are coming on three years since her passing.

2009 was our first Valentine's with Mya in our life. It was a Saturday and I did not have to work. We went to visit Gloria in the hospital and we went for an early dinner in Long Beach.

2010 was a special Valentine's for us as we got the keys to our condo. I got one picture of Eddie and Mya in the living room when we got the keys.

We all were very excited for the change that was in store for our little family in the coming week. Mya loved the stairs and kept going up and down. She could care less about her very own room.

Here we are in 2011 and Mya very much enjoyed her day. When I came home from work Eddie was upset because I worked an hour late to clean my desk. I was upset with myself for all of my actions lately.
Mya was eating dinner and the first thing she told me was "Happy Valentine's Day Mommy" it melted my heart. There were my favorite Lily's on the table and Mya had picked a card out for me all by herself. I was very happy with her choice. She even told me why she picked it out. Because it looked like Lenny from the Wonder Pet's.

So this Valentine's though Eddie and I are both pissy and I still thankful to have he and Mya as my Valentine's. I love you both.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Time For Some Changes.

Today, tomorrow and in the months to come. It is clearly time for some changes. So that is what I am working on personally now.

Mya is making a big change in March, she is starting pre-school. I am still not sure how I feel about this. Part of me thinks she is a bit young, but all of me wants the best for my little girl. I also think starting preschool will be very good for her behaviour. I think the beginning will be hard work for her, me and Eddie but it we will see what will come from this.

Personally my doctor has referred me to a weight loss surgeon. He knows that I try, I loose and I plateau. So now we are moving to the next step. I am going back to Weight Watchers, though that is not the easiest thing to do during tax time but I will manage. I go for orientation on February 24th with Eddie. Then I will have my first appointment with the surgeon on March 2nd. So we will see in the coming months what happens. So I will post on my progress. According to my consultation today they think I can loose 120-140 lbs and be healthy. Really, lets face it, I am not shooting to weigh 95 lbs. That is not me.

The first step for me is laying off the Dr. Pepper. Anyone who really knows me knows that Dr. Pepper is my COFFEE. So I may be grouchy but we will all live, I promise.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

An Interesting Night To Say The Least.

Today marks the first anniversary of a close BLM friend of mine. Parker Grace is much like my sweet Sophia. She is a twin. She passed away at 22 weeks. At about 32 weeks I came in contact with her Mama, Bethany. In the past 8 months I have grown a tight bond with Bethany. We both gave birth to our twins in June. We both are going through the same thing. Simply put we understand each other. So today I say a prayer for Parker Grace, her twin sister Little Miss "C" and her parents.

Parker your Mommy loves and misses you so much. I am sure you and Sophia are holding hands today looking down on us.

Tonight, I left work, went home, ate dinner, helped Mya take a shower, ended the shower and all hell broke loose. Eddie is frustrated with tax life, Mya is mad at me for turning off her 20 minute shower, ect.

I can't win. I am seriously trying to be SUPER WOMAN and it is no go tonight. As far as Eddie is concerned I need to be home more. Mya is mad and hitting me because I cut shower time off, since clearly 20 minutes is not good enough. Life is working on a new routine and I still have too much to do at work. There is only so much I can do.

After immediately putting Mya to bed for poor behavior. I went down stairs to set and talk to Eddie and then it turned into you do your thing and I will do mine. So fine. I went to two Starbucks (my fault) to meet Lucia and TJ. Though we only had an hour visit I still loved it. I love to be able to sit and relax and talk about what ever.

For years Eddie has been telling me I need friends in my life. Finally I can feel comfortable that I do have friends. We all have one thing in common and it is not the greatest reason we all together but still it is nice to have a girls night every so often.

Speaking of girls night I am very excited for Face2Face Los Angeles this Friday. I had so much fun last Friday with Face2Face Orange County I can't wait to see what my LA ladies bring to the table.

So thank you so much Lucia and TJ for tonight. It really made my night.