Monday, August 29, 2011

7 Years Of........

wedded bliss.

Today is Eddie and my wedding anniversary. As Eddie always jokes it seems like 27 years. But in the last 7 years I can't even begin to recap what has happened in our life. But the best parts have been wonderful. For better or worse have both been terms you could use in our marriage.

Even after 7 years I can't believe I was the one that cracked the joke at our wedding even though I was a crying mess. But hey I did it.

In 7 years we have become parents. Eddie kept it together and still keeps it together when it comes to anything that had or still has to do with Sophia. Eddie is now teaching Mya the finner points in pushing my buttons. But none the less we both love being parents to a little girl that is something else and has made our lives complete.

Before we became parents to our girls we were pet parents. Which we still are. Two months after we moved in together, July 2002 we adopted Boz (Bozley, Bozzy Cat or Prince) from animal Skid Row....LA County Animal control. Then in December 2004 Eddie brought Buster home. Buster had been dumped on the streets with another dog who got picked up from animal control. As anti little dog as I was I am happy Buster is a part of our family.

In February 2010 we left our spacious back house on the Beserra Compound and moved to Monrovia to a nice 2 bedroom condo.

Since our last anniversary we have celebrated the holidays in our home, Mya has moved from Daycare to Montessori School. We have survived another tax season. We have survived a breast cancer scare. We have also survived the terrible two's and now have an even more trying three year old. We have also survived each other. For better or worse. Here we are.

I can only wait to see what 8 years brings us. I leave this blog post with our song Somebody. I wanted to post a picture of us from Saturday night but I can not get it to download properly.

Happy Anniversary Brown Bear.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Just a little addicted...

to Pinterest and making Mya hair clips to match everything. As seen here:

Mya has yo-yos, rosettes and now flowers. They have also been gifts because Mya only needs so many.

But to keep my sanity these are the two that do it for me.

Since Thursday night I cleaned my "crafting corner" in my room as seen behind Mya I may just set up shop here.

But either way it is a relaxing thing to me. And who knows what may come from it.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Love Sophia

From Kassi
Thank you! I love it.....and I LOVE SOPHIA!

{Embrace} The Camera....Friday addition.

Last night I was too busy cleaning my room, or more specifically my desk and crafting stuff in my corner of my room so no pictures were taken.

But this morning we got a few good ones.

 So last weekend when we went to my parents house my mom gave her a shirt. It says: "I love to dance" Which anyone that knows my daughter knows this is a true statement. I waited all week to shower he as I wanted her to wear it for dance class today.

When I showed her the shirt and told her what it says she translated it to "I love dance class"

So here is my little dancer {Embracing} the camera this morning.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

A girl walks into a shrinks office........

to find out it is not the death of her daughter that bothers her, its the fact that she hates the medical community.

True story.

Part of preparation for bypass surgery is a psychiatric evaluation. I went last Wednesday for mine and could not finish since the doctor was running late. So I went back today to finish. We spoke about Eddie, Mya, work and everything in between. At the end she asked me if I would be willing to consult a therapist for my grief of Sophia I told her no. I told her I don't think my grief of Sophia is an issue. Then I told her my issues.

Simply put I can not stand the medical community and I start with any new doctor with NO trust. I hate that SOME doctors and other medical professionals feel like they have the right to have a God like complex, when in fact all they are is simply a human, just like you, just like me. But yet they feel like they have the right to belittle anyone they please when in fact most of the time that person is there for help.

Though my vent I seemed to make the doctor cry. Who would have thought that is possible? But I did. She also felt the need to apologize to me for the medical community.

I also made it VERY clear I do not blame the medical community for Sophia's death. I know how and why she passed and it had nothing to do with them.
So now in a week or so we will find out if I will be able to mentally handle this surgery. Like I told her, "it is what it is"

I HATE.......


I hate the bitter person I have become. I hate the feelings I have right now and I hate that I hate the things I currently hate. I don't know if all that makes sense to you but it does to me.

In the last six months I have become more bitchy with less patients to anything in the world besides Mya. Yes there are things my trying three year old does to try my patients but are quickly reminded with a simple time out. Time outs in out house are time to reset.

I don't know why in the midst of trying to make a complete change in my life I have become the bitter soul that I am.

Note to self: "You really need to work on it"

Sunday, August 21, 2011

What is in a name?

In the community of BLM's there is so much power in seeing your child's name anywhere. I have collected Sophia's name in three different countries and many different places throughout the US. It brings me so much peace to know someone thought of Sophia,

Today was the first time I came across my own Sophia sighting. It was simply a van with "Balloons by Sophia" I tried reaching for my camera but it was to late. The light turned green. None the less it still made my day.

One other thing I always think about is if Sophia was still with us would we call her "Sophie" as I always refer to Mya as simply "My" because why would I waste my time with that pesky "A"

Another thing I am always asked is why did we not name the girls with the same middle names or with each other's name as the other's middle name? The answer is always this. From the time we found out we were expecting multiples I knew I wanted them to be different. I did not want them to be the stereotypical twins, with one wearing pink and one wearing purple but the same print. But one thing I recently figured out was both of my girls have middle names that are spelled or primarily used as male names. Not that I could ever imagine life as a mom of a boy but I like to think this was just a chance thing that is a twin kind of thing.

To sum up what is in a name. I could not be happier with the names Eddie and I have chosen for our daughters. They were meant to be. I would never in a million years imagine Mya being Sophia or Sophia being Mya. I also can not wait for my next Sophia sighting or email.

Friday, August 19, 2011

Day of Hope

Today being August 19th is the Day of Hope. One of the most influential women in this community is Carly Dudley. August 19th is the anniversary of her finding Christian's Beach. The Day of Hope also is a day that all mother's remember as the day to break the silence and help make the subject of pregnancy and infancy loss such a taboo subject. Most BLM's I know have aways loved talking about their children that have gone too soon. So again this helps break the silence of this subject.

To all my mother's off loss. I hope this day was as peaceful as possible. I also hope you got to speak about your child and it brought a smile to your face as you heard your child's name spoken.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

{Embrace} The Camera Thursday.......The Sweet Addition

Today Mya and I got to meet The Cake Mama's. They started something new this week called "Thankful Thursday. Alice nominated me. Alice wrote the nicest thing in my nomination:

"If it is not too late I would like to nominate my daughter in-law Cassie Beserra. She is the founder of Walk to Remember, Los Angeles which is a local non-profit organization that provides support to local families that have lost children through pregnancy and infancy like she and my son have. She is a proud mother of twins, Sophia Rene and Mya Quinn. Sophia passed away at 20 weeks gestation due to many complications. Cassie devotes so much time to providing support to grieving families in their time of loss. She is currently preparing for WTRLA's 2nd Annual 5k in Long Beach on Saturday, October 15th. Please join me in nominating Cassie for all her hard work!"

In a period of two hours I managed to get 29 votes. Which tied me for 5th place. So tonight after dinner Mya and I went to claim the prize, six delicious cupcakes. I spent about 15 minutes talking to Fabiola and Janelle It was such a treat and such an honor to be nominated.

Monday, August 15, 2011

Quite An Interesting Week

So this week has been very hectic to say the least.
Last Tuesday the landlord came over and instead of just fixing the dining room ceiling he decided to re-vamp the whole kitchen and dining room area.
I made a deal with Eddie. I could get new dishes if I got ride of several things in the kitchen. As recently I have been doing a lot of simplifying of my life I thought it would be a good idea.
Sunday after cleaning out most of the kitchen Mya and I went to mass with The Gutierrez in honor of Alex's trip to Europe for WYD. Mya did very well in church, I was a proud Mommy. After Mass we went and had dinner. Mya enjoyed playing video games with Shawn and hanging out with family.

So we had until Monday morning to get the kitchen and dining room completely cleared out. What a chore that was.

Monday morning came and some last minute things needed to be done. I also spent Monday finding an interpreter for Shawn for Harry's service. After many calls, mission was accomplished.
Tuesday was quite crazy. I had work to do, Pedro needed more paint and my mom and I needed to be in Garden Grove at 6:30 for Harry's Rosary service. My mom and I ended our evening at Alberto's and when we finished eating we were entertained with the fireworks from Disneyland. We went home and straight to bed.
Tuesday night, upon our families request I decided to take Mya on Wednesday for Harry's funeral. So Wednesday we got up and went. Again Mya did so well in mass. We spent a very nice day with our family and I think the way Harry's family said good bye was most amazing.
Thursday evening brought nice news. Our kitchen was back in order and it was time for us to put everything away. Mya and I made two trips to Target for Contact Paper. I was quite confident things were finally going to get done.

Friday we finally had dinner at home. It was such a huge relief. Saturday I did all of the finishing touches and took all of these pictures. Also on Saturday we had a sleep over with Kiki and we attended Robert's 2nd birthday party.

Sunday morning while the girls were still asleep I said good bye to Eddie, Gabriel, Brian and Vivian as the left for Convict Lake for their camping trip. After a breakfast picnic it was time for our trip to Disneyland. We enjoyed our day with family. It was good times and I am always happy when Mya spends time with any part of our family.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

We are the lucky ones.....

Last week when I found out of Harry's passing after sending my condolences to my family I immediately came here to post my feelings. Monica's comment about my post was "We are the lucky ones"

Today we said goodbye to Harry. If I had to describe the way I wanted my funeral I would say I want it like Harry's. I would also say though Mya will not remember this, but for Mya's first funeral experience I am OK that it was Harry's. The Gutierrez clan did everything to make this a celebration of Harry's life. From the music to the eulogy to the wake everything was the way I know Harry, laid back and not uptight at all.

Going back to the music I think every song that was played was peaceful. The choir did everything perfect. When I opened the program for Mass I could not help but notice that What A Wonderful World was listed. I have always held this song close to me and always think of Sophia when I hear it. On two separate occasions I have been asked why I think this is an appropriate song for Sophia. I never really have an answer. Maybe because it could have been the song she danced with her father at her wedding in 25 years. Maybe because life is so precious and not only did Harry make the best of his life but Sophia did as well. She played the cards she was dealt and did the best she could. I just can't answer why this is one of my three Sophia songs. But what I can say is that from now one I will not only think of Sophia when I hear this master piece I will think of Harry too.

I have to give major kudos to Alex's friends for doing such an awesome job with Let it Be and Ava Maria. But to me the song that stood out the most was In My Life I could not help but crying. I have never really listened to the words of that song, but I have always appreciated the musicianship of this song.

In the end we all bid our farewells to Harry. As Monica said "we are the lucky ones" and I can not agree with that more.

Though you are not here with us you will never be forgotten.

Friday, August 5, 2011


Yesterday I was a busy bee. Last night I was taking a trip down memory lane. This morning I opened my email to find devastating family news. Yesterday my cousin Harry passed away.

Harry is one of my mother's cousins. As far back as I can remember with all our our "G" cousins besides my first cousins, I feel I have always had a special bond with the Gutierrezes from Garden Grove. Maybe because we have a large family and do they. I remember many reunions playing with Bree, Andrea and Monica.

Now Loren and I share a very common bond as we are both mothers of twins. Twins run in the Gutierrez family.

Since Mya has been a baby I ALWAYS make it a point to invite The Gutierrezes of Garden Grove to birthdays and we have even gone to Disneyland together. February Mya got to meet her cousins Damien & Mariana as she and I went to Garden Grove for their baptism. That night as well as any other time I spent with Harry was always so fascinating, the things Harry knew amazed me every time. The stories Harry shared.

In May Mya and I once again went to have dinner with the Gutierrez clan, but this time for Mya to meet her new cousin Olivia. Though she was so fascinated with her new cousin "Baby Olivia" she also enjoyed sitting on Harry's lap and playing with her cousin Alex (who in some ways reminds me of her Uncle Tim).

On Monday, July 25th I made a trip over to City of Hope to visit Harry. I got to see Harry and I happy I did. Geri Ann gave me the news that things were not so good. So on Wednesday, July 27th, my mom, Mya and I went to go visit again. Mya and I visited with the G's of GG and my mom took some time to see Harry. And again Mya loved her time with all of her cousins.

This morning I had a very quick IM with Alex.
Me: I am so sorry cousin.
Alex:  No need to be. He's in a better place. Free of all pain and suffering. Be happy for him.
Me: I am. I know he is looking after Sophia for me. That gives me peace. Your dad has always been my favorite.
Alex: She is making him run around after her.
Me: Just like Mya does. See you soon. Love you guys!

My thoughts and prayers go out to Geri Ann, Harry Jr., Andrea, Monica, Loren, Alex, Cynthia and Nick. As well as Shawn, Harry III, Damien, Mariana, and Olivia.

Harry, we all love you. You are simply an amazing man. Rest in peace my dear cousin.