Friday, December 23, 2011

Happy Birthday Kyna

First let me say Happy Birthday to the sweetest, most kind, most loving, most joyful woman I know Kyna.

Tonight we celebrated Kyna's quarter of a century birthday. We had a lovely evening with Kyna, Miguel and their family. I would have to say the highlight was Mya and Hailey (Kyna's dog) dancing together.

I met Kyna on October 15, 2010 at Hilltop park. Since then I have learned that there are still genuinely caring people in this world. Kyna remembers all the details. I can defiantly say it has been a blessing to have met Kyna. I was then an honor to have Mu Perspectives photograph our WTRLA this year.

On the way home from Kyna's birthday party I was telling Eddie about all the simple, yet wonderful things Kyna has done for me to make my day on many occasions. I have realized there are just so many little things that bring joy to our life and Kyna is that joy. Recently Kyna sent me this.

So to wrap up I would like to wish such a wonderful person Happy Birthday. I know this is 25 but there are so many more to come. I hope you had an amazing day because you deserve it.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Nathan's Stocking

 The last couple of weeks I have not been sleeping well. So I have been reading blogs, hanging out on Pinterest and baking.

One of the families that attended WTRLA this year was the Chong Family. This family is simply amazing. The love for Nathan as well as Nathan's uncle was very present on October 15th. On October 15th I got to meet Jolene, Nathan's Mommy.

One one of my many nights up I was reading her blog. She had posted about Nathan's Stocking and I immediately knew what I wanted to do for Nathan.

For over 10 years now Eddie and I have donated toys to Spark of Love. Now that we have Sophia in heaven we have now started a new part of that tradition. Every year we purchase duplicate gifts for Mya. This symbolizes the fact that we should be purchasing two of everything. One for Sophia and one for Mya. We then donate them to the Spark of Love toy drive. So I wanted to go purchase something for Nathan and donate it in his honor too as a way to be part of his stocking.

So tonight after dinner Mya and I went to go give those special gifts to the fire station. I also packed up some cookies for them to enjoy. Mya was very excited to be on our mission. When we arrived the chief saw that we had a bag of toys so he opened up the big door for Mya to see the fire truck.

When I got home and put Mya to bed I wrote Nathan a letter for his stocking. I know it is the little things that help in the biggest way and though Eddie and I have always tried to purchase gifts for older children as they always seem to get forgotten, it is now OK that I purchase gifts for a 3 year old and a 6 month old. Because in my eyes these are very special gifts. We still try and focus on older kids too. But these gifts are from a different part of the heart.

So now I leave you with the letter I wrote for Nathan's Stocking.

Dear Nathan,

Merry Christmas, Sweet Angel. This being your first Christmas and all the good deeds that are being done in your honor simply amaze me. You are most certainly one very loved little boy.

For over 10 years now Eddie and I have always donated toys to the Spark of Love toy drive. We always went to the same fire station to give all the toys we were donating. This year as we have moved we donated to a new fire station. After spending the afternoon with your older sister, Elizabeth and your older brother Michael we went to donate our toys. But I knew I still needed to purchase one more gift to give them in your honor. I also wanted to donate one for Sophia too. 

So last night after dinner Mya and I packed up the toys we purchased for you and Sophia as well as some cookies for the nice fire men and we went to the fire station to donate those toys. When we arrived I had to tell the cheif why we were back. I told him about WTRLA and about you and Sophia. He gave Mya and I a big hug and said the you and Sophia are two very special children and that he hopes these toys go to children that will love them half as much as your Mommy's love you two.

I personally know the love for you and Sophia is endless and your family loves and misses you so much.

Merry Christmas Nathan, I hope you and Sophia feel the love that is for you both.

Your Friend,
Sophia and Mya's Mommy

Friday, December 9, 2011

1 Down 1 To Go!

While Mya was busy being a super model today, I was busy catching up on  31 Days of Greif.

Now the important question. So Cassie what has been going on the last two months? Well I have been ill. The week before the second biggest week of my year my loving husband decided to break his ankle. BTW, the first being April 15th and the second being October 15th. See I like to space them out evenly, ever 6 months. Just like Christmas and my birthday! So that was a fun week, being sick planning a major event without my go to person.

It personally took Eddie's injury to heart. Why? Because he did not call me. He had one of this friends drive him all the way from Mojave to Pasadena to urgent care and then called his cousin to bring him home. I spoke with him twice as this was all happening. He choose to still not tell me. He told me after that he did ot want to worry me. I now see what he was saying but I still took it to heart.

Next order of business is to catch up Mya's blog as I use that as a journal for her and I want to be sure that I keep up with it.

So that is where we stand one blog done one to go.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Embrace The Camera (Thursday)

I have been working very hard on getting the blog all caught up. So tonight we ETC. This picture may just end up being the one we have out next to Mya's booty picture when her first boy friend comes to the house.
So I ask how could we not "Embrace" this picture?
Last year for the first time ever I heard several people saying they put Christmas trees in their children's rooms. Even today at work a co-worker told me the cutest story about when he was a child. He use to get a tree and wrap gifts for his rats and put them under the tree. So tonight I did it. I got Mya a tree for her room. I have always tried to completely do everything I can to build memories for Mya when it comes to everything as I know as a mother I only get one shot to get it right. So I want everything for Mya to be perfect. When I decorated our tree Sunday evening I purposely kept all the pink ornaments to the side. We told Mya there was a chance Santa might bring her a special tree for her room if she continued to sleep in her room.

She fell asleep tonight in the car as she only got about 30 minutes sleep today before her photo shoot. So she was tired. She woke up and saw her tree and came downstairs and told us Santa came. Eddie and I followed her up the stairs to see what Santa had brought her. She promptly asked if I got a tree in my room. Though I always dream of that scene in Untamed Heart where Marisa Tomei wakes up and has a tree in her room. She then proceeded to tell me how she heard Santa and his reindeer on the roof of our garage and everything that happen

Pins and Needles

So here I stand just waiting on pins and needles. Tomorrow is the day. I go back for another Mammogram. What will the out come be? To make matters worse I have not been sleeping well this week as we did not have heat until yesterday as a result of the wind storm. Then the other problem is my foot has been bothering me. I jammed it two months ago, did an X-Ray one month ago and in the last week it has been hurting even more.

Tomorrow I am going to see if I can also got an appointment with my primary as well to discuss my foot and the results of the Mammogram.

So now we wait. We see what answers will be given. We wait, we wait, we wait.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thankful Thursday

Happy Thanksgiving.

I hope everyone had a nice peaceful day. I got up and cooked. I did not sleep so well and I was busy prepping for Thanksgiving. I had intended on getting a little more sleep as I know we are going shopping very shortly, but what are you going to do?

We had a small Thanksgiving with our immediate family. It was nice and peaceful.

This year I am thankful for so much. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for a understand work place. I am thankful for the new peace that crafting has brought me again. I am thankful for a peaceful day. I am thankful for my understanding friends and all of those who have been there for me and have been an ear. I am thankful for the beauty of life. I am thankful for a crazy little muchaca that keeps me going. I am thankful to be Sophia's mother and all the strength she gave me to do the positive work I do. I am thankful to be cancer free. I am thankful for my health, and thankful to be on the mend.

Tonight at dinner Mya told us all she was thankful for and as the list has always stated, she is thankful for Bozzy Cat and you, you, you and you as she pointed at our dinner table.

It will be interesting to see how long I can go without crashing. I am sticking to a list and that is that. I am sure I will find a couple things for me but it is OK, I think I am worth it.

So I hope everyone had a nice day and if you are going shopping you find all the deals you are looking for.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

A Conversation I Did Not Think I Would Be Having So Soon.

Tonight at bed time Mya and I were having a little coversation.

I started with what Mya is thankful for. Every time I have asked her this question she has always started her list with "Bozzy Cat" and then the list goes on for a minute or so.

The she asked me is tomorrow was a school day and I told her tomorrow was a special school day, as tomorrow is open house. I explained to her that both Mommy and Daddy would be picking her up and that we would get to talk to Mrs. Monie to see how she was doing. She told me that Mrs. Monie told her she would have a brother. I told her "really is that what Mrs. Monie told you" her response was "yes" Then Mya told me "and Sophia is my sister"

At that time my heart just melted. I did not know what to tell her so I told her "yes Sophia is your sister and she is an angel in heaven now"

The rest of our conversation kind of went as follows:

Mya: No Sophia is here with us and Sophia is my sister.
Me: Yes she is here looking over you and yes Sophia is your sister.
Mya: No Mommy not Sophia the elephant, my sister Sophia.
Me: I know Mya. Sophia the elephant is here so you remember Sophia your sister. Sophia grew her wings and is now an angel in heaven.
Mya: Mommy, when will I grow my wings?
Me: One day Mya, in a very long time you will grow wings.
Mya: So one day Sophia and I will be able to fly together.
Me: Yes you can fly together. I love you Mya. I will see you in the morning.
Mya: I love you Mommy.

So there you have it. A conversation out of the blue. Nothing I would have ever dreamed up in a million years. I never thought at this stage of the game I would be talking about Sophia with Mya like this.

I love my girls.

Monday, October 31, 2011

Do you feel like 31 days has helped you open up more about your child(ren) and your grief?

NO, personally I feel like I am doing what I can to keep Sophia's memory alive. I feel that being a mother of twins even though one is with me and one is in my heart has its own challenges. I know mom's with twins and they had/have different challenges from parents of singletons.

I strive to keep Sophia's name in our life so Mya knows she is not an only child. I don't want Mya to ever feel like her life is not complete. I also do not want to ever hide anything about Sophia from Mya.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Day 30:

How are your preparing for the end of the year? 
 (ie: Holiday's and starting a new year)

This year has not been my best. I started the first 5 months sick and then at the end of May I found out there is a mass in my breast. Things went down hill from there. 

The end of the year is also when it starts to get busy at work for me. It is when reality sets in that tax time is here.

So we enjoy our time as a family, we enjoy the holidays. This year I am not planning on going over board with Mya and gifts. I plan on taking her to do as many holiday actives as we can. It is about our time together. I am also thinking about ornament ideas for Operation Ornament for this year and have yet to come up with anything. So if you have a good idea, let me know.

As always Eddie and I will be purchasing toys to donate to the fire department for their toy drive. This year we plan on taking Mya as she seems to be understanding more of Christmas. 

One last plan for this year is to take Mya to the snow. I also plan on writing Sophia's name in the snow.

So that is where we stand for the rest of the year.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Day 29:

What are your beliefs as far as where you think your child(ren) is/are. Will you see each other again?

I was born and raised catholic, as well as Eddie. Mya is baptized catholic. Though I do not really, at the moment practice my religion the way I should, I do believe that Sophia is in heaven. I believe that one day I will get to meet her face to face and that will be quite the honor.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Day 28:

Have you ever corrected or wish you corrected someone about your loss?

Yes I have.

I know my brother Josh really is not in our everyday picture in life and Mya has only seen her Uncle Josh 4 times in life. One night on my way home from work he and I were talking and I made a comment about Sophia. He asked who? It instantly broke my heart. I immediately told him "Sophia you niece, she passed away, Mya's twin sister.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Day 27:

Share a picture.

What is this picture might you ask. It is a picture of the balloon release at WTRLA this year. I would have to say this was the most emotional moment for me by far in WTRLA's history. It was just a powerful thing the song selected was perfect the moment was perfect.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Day 25:

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. How do you handle them?

I would have to say every year it is different. I am at peace with the end result after all is said and done and I think that is a good thing for me.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Day 24:

On Birthday's, Diagnosis Day's, Anniversaries of Passing. Do you prepare for them?

Personally as a twin Mom things are a little different for me. The first two years I treated June 30th as Mya's special day (their birth day) and I treated March 11th as Sophia's day. But this year maybe because of cancer I felt like I could not treat them as two separate days. 

This year June 30th went as follows. Sophia and Mya we did special things to remember Sophia. I have always had a flower on Mya's birthday cake to symbolize Sophia. We did that.

As for January 15th (our diagnosis day), I remember it as the day my life as a blissfully ignorant pregnant woman went out the door.

March 11th (the day Sophia passed away) will always be that day. I dread it, still. I don't think I will every not dread it but in a way there is good and bad to that. It is 4 days before a major tax deadline and three days after Eddie's birthday. This year we Celebrated Sophia on March 13th as tax time kind of got in the way. But we still remembered her. That is what counts right?

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Day 23:

Besides changing the outcome, what is one thing you would have done differently?

There is only one thing I would change. I would have got to see my daughter.

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Day 22:

Do you have a song or songs that make you think of your child(ren)?

To not keep going with the same repetitive things here are a couple of posts that will tell you the answer to this question:

Friday, October 21, 2011

Day 21:

 Is there something about your child(ren) that brings a smile to your face?

I would say anytime I see Mya experiencing something new and seeing her joy or interest brings a smile to my face. But on the same token I have had many a times when it has brought a tear too. Most recently at Mya's First Dance Recital I could not keep it together. 

For Sophia anytime someone thinks of her and send me a picture remembering her it brings a huge smile to my face. That is why I collect Sophia's name. It brings me peace.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Day 20:

If you have anger.....What are you most angry about?

I personally would have to say I am not so angry now.  Since my Meeting at Huntington I feel that a lot of my anger is gone now. Don't get me wrong I would still love to tell the anesthesiologist how much of an ass he is but I feel that I am in a better place now.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Day 19

What is your happiest memory of your child(ren)?

I would have to say the happiest memory of Sophia and Mya as a duo would be January 4, 2008. Our second doctors appointment and the first time Eddie got to see Sophia and Mya. To see Eddie's face light up the way it did to know that in that room we were all there. This is my best moment with my family of four.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Day 18:

Have you found something that puts you at peace?

There are several things in life that put me at peace. Being with my family is usually number one. But music is also a very peaceful thing for me. I have always said music is a very powerful thing to me. I sometimes don't even listen to words, it is the music I hear. Music is a story, with music you can make your own story. That is power right at your finger tips.

I personally have songs that are memorable to me. Songs that make me think of things in the past for instance here are a few examples of what certain songs make me think of certain things:

When thinking of Eddie and I we have a few songs that come to mind. The first being the song we call "our song" Somebody. Next I would have to say would be Can't Wait, by Hepcat. In the early days of Eddie and Cassie we went to A LOT of ska shows. Though I knew of ska before Eddie, he showed me a whole new world of ska. 

When I think of Mya, I always play Sweet Child O Mine. This is my Mya song. Though Mya is growing to be quite the music lover herself and she any I listen to various things all the time this is the song that brings a smile to my face.

The day Sophia passed away and the last time I felt her kick I was listening to Dirty Reggae by the Aggrolites. And this memory will always bring me to peace. 

If I am just thinking of Sophia in general and I want to think of the beauty that is my daughter I listen to a song I have always loves from the bottom of my heart and again this is a perfect example of how I don't particularly listen to the words. But I always think to myself that Sophia did in her short life was nothing but wonderful so that is why I always think of What A Wonderful World.. I know she gave one hell of a fight not only for her self but for Mya. That is why this is my Sophia Song.

When I am thinking about WTRLA, I listen to Somewhere Over The Rainbow. I use to think this was such a beautiful song when I first heard it on Meet Joe Black. 

It is still amazing to me how as a mother of loss you use to think things had such beauty and then after a loss they bring on a whole new beauty. 

Monday, October 17, 2011

Day 17

Do you feel your child is watching over you?

I don't feel Sophia is watching over me. I do however feel Sophia watches over Mya all the time. In turn I also feel that Mya remembers Sophia. I guess it is one of those crazy twin things. I just don't know. 

I worry for that fact that Mya will suffer from missing her other half. Sophia should have been her partner in crime. Sometime I worry if I am being selfish in not wanting (or being afraid) to have more children will hurt Mya in the long run. But on the other hand that is why Eddie and I have started talking about adoption. 

Before I start a whole new blog post. Sophia does watch over us. She kept Mya safe before she passed away and she keeps Mya safe now.

Not many people can say they have their very own guardian angel, but Mya can, he twin sister Sophia.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Day 16

Do you take time for yourself?

Life has got the best of me but I have started to take time for myself. It took me a very long time to realize that I need to start taking time for myself.

Though all of my health issues, being a parent, working, doing my work with WTRLA and everything else in life I now know I need to take time for myself or I will get no

Through the wonders of Pinterest I have started crafting more again. Though my room is filled with new fabric waiting to be used. It will get used. Monica and I are doing Temple City Harvest Hoedown this weekend and that should be fun. 

I have also tried to be better about my blog, which proves to be hard at times because real life comes first not writing about life. 

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Day 15:

Today is Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Awareness Day. What are you doing today?

What did I do today? Well first I want to thank EVERYONE that came out today to walk in honor of their children, brothers, sisters, grandchildren, nieces and nephews. I also want to thank the people that came out to support all of us parents. Though we may not show it, it means the world to us that you remember our children too!

Last night was a little hectic but we worked everything out. By 1am I checked in to my hotel and got 4 peaceful good hours of sleep. Who would have thought sleep could be that good when only in that little amount? Got up this morning took a shower, stopped for some oatmeal and a latte at Starbucks and was at the park waiting for my suppliers to arrive. While waiting a lovely little skunk walked though our area, I thought it was best to stay in my car and wait for him to leave. 

In about 15 minutes he was gone and everyone started arriving. Things were in full swing. Personally,  I have to say this year things went so much better. We had a plan and it happened. 

By 9:00 walkers started arriving. At 10:10 the memorial service started. I can not begin to thank Sharon enough for her wonderful, loving, POWERFUL words. Things were just went so well. 

This year I walked 1/3 of the route. It was so powerful to see the names of all that babies that have gone too soon. I walked with Martha and Lisa it seemed like I knew almost all of their stories as we walked.

When we got back everyone was ready for the balloon release. I have to say this was the most powerful thing EVER. I don't know if it was the choice of music or if it was the number of balloons flying it was simply amazing. Simply so powerful. Just beautiful.

 After the walk was over I went to lunch with one of my fellow twin mama's Dana. We had a nice lunch then I went back to my hotel to relax a little bit before heading over to Hilltop Park. 

The candle lighting went well minus the wind but we took care of it.

I would have to say I am so happy with the way this all turned out this year. I think we will always do the balloon release. To me that was the best part of the day. 

I hope everyone found peace with their day of remembrance. As I did.

Friday, October 14, 2011

Day 14:

What have you done to preserve your child's memories or make new memories of your angel?

The reason I started WTRLA was in Sophia's honor. I have always said I am so blessed to by the mom of two beautiful girls and this is the least I can do for Sophia. 

One thing I need to do and have not done is start Sophia's scrapbook. I don't know why but I am so intimidated to start it and like I said I just don't know why. I have so many beautiful pictures people have taken for me with her name and I just have not done it. But I will one day. 

Like mentioned before and above I collect Sophia's name in various places and her book will be forever growing. 

Every year around this time I will walk in her honor. I will celebrate Sophia and I will never forget my beautiful daughter.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Day 13:

Does anyone else besides your speak your child's name?

Mya speaks Sophia's name and I love it every single time she does, though she does not know the specifics of Sophia, she still knows there is a Sophia in our life.

I do feel like people still speak of Sophia, but on the other hand I don't try to push Sophia on anyone as well. If it seems that I am I say, I am sorry.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

What Did She Say?

Tonight was my big night. If you remember on September 28, 2011 I went to Huntington to speak with the Parent Connection coordinator about my experience at Huntington as a patient. I told her I needed to speak to her before I accepted the invitation to be a guest speaker for tonight. 

On my way home from work I read my speech one more time to be sure I was happy with it. I started bawling as I was reading it. I don't know what came over me. Maybe I just needed to get it out, who knows. 

So here it is, what I said for all of you to read:

Good Evening. My name is Cassie Beserra. I am the mother of beautiful twin girls. My twin A, Sophia Rene and my twin B, Mya Quinn. I am also the founder of Walk to Remember, Los Angeles, a non-profit organization that provides support to families that have lost a child during pregnancy or infancy. We also provide support to all the hospitals here in LA County. My goal is to provide them with all the tools necessary to help families at the time of their loss.

My husband Eddie and I found out 11 weeks into my pregnancy my twin A was ill. A diagnosis of Turners Syndrome, Cystic Hygroma and Hydrops was given and it would most likely be that she would not even survive pregnancy. We also found out that day that "she" was a little girl. Sophia quickly became known as our little fighter.

A month had gone by and she was still fighting, her condition kept getting worse but she was fighting at that time we also found out her twin was another girl.

I always tried to think to myself there was nothing wrong with Sophia, it was an error, there are always things that are missed in the world of medicine.

Another month had gone by and she was still fighting. I was starting to feel like Sophia was defying all odds and there would be a chance I would get to meet both of my daughters. Then a week later we went in to our specialist and those words were said "I am sorry there is no heartbeat on twin A"

No matter how much you prepare you can NEVER prepare enough to hear those words. Our daughter, Sophia Rene Beserra passed away on March 11, 2008.

Throughout my work with Walk to Remember, Los Angeles I always find myself making two specific comments, the first "if I knew then what I know now" and "one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life is juggle such grief and sorrow with such happiness" Because there I was still pregnant with twins, grieving for one of my daughters and still trying to nurcher the other. Since Sophia is our twin A we were told there could be many complications after she passed away. I was put on bed rest for 3 months. The two things I started looking forward to became going to 1 of 3 doctors or going for blood work. But I did it. I kept going. I had one goal in mind.....Bring home one healthy baby.

On June 30th at 34 1/2 weeks we welcomed Mya Quinn Beserra into this world and said good bye to "My Sweet Sophia"

Even after Sophia had passed away I still had this feeling that as long as she was still inside of me she was safe. Knowing she was leaving her little nest broke my heart. But knowing that I managed to make it far enough to have Mya to a point where she was out of danger was also a huge accomplishment.

About 2 1/2 years ago I was reading that some parents find it healing to collect their child's name in various places. So that is what I started doing. I have built a collection of "Sophia" pictures that is so beautiful in my eyes. "Sophia" has had pictures taken throughout the US and even as far as Canada, Italy, Australia and The Great Pyramids of Egypt. It warms my heart to know that even for a minute someone else is thinking of our daughter. So though I have no pictures of Sophia I see each and every one of these pictures as the beauty of my daughter and I know that her name lives on.

In May of 2010 I started Walk to Remember, Los Angeles. My feeling was I am so blessed to be a mother to Mya, this was the least I could do for Sophia. On Saturday we will be having our 2nd Annual Memorial Ceremony, 5k and candle lighting. Much like tonight it is a time of reflection and a time to remember our beautiful children. While they have left our arms, they have not left our hearts. It is such a day of togetherness and there is such a feeling that you are not alone. Every one here and everyone who attends WTRLA share a common bond and a common understanding.

I would like to thank Huntington Memorial and Mary Holzer for asking me to be part of tonight and I would like to thank everyone here for listening to my story.

Thank you.

So that was it. I was happy I got to be a part of a special evening. Unfortunately no one took pictures but it was a nice evening.

I want to thank, Eddie, Mya, Eddie, Alice, My Mom, Aunt Joan and Monica for joining me tonight.

Day 12:

How has the rest of your family dealt with your loss?

My family is all over the place. Being involved in WTRLA many of them have shown their support for my mission. Some come some don't. I don't hold that against any of them at all.

My close family has seen how much WTRLA means to me and have shown a little more support. If it were not for them I don't know how far WTRLA would have come. 

I remember when one of my best childhood friends passed away when Mya was 1 month old. I had to to his services and I asked one of Eddie's cousins if she could stay with Mya. When I returned home she asked if we had a private service for Sophia. I told her no, we had nothing. But in a way it still felt good to know that our family was there for us. After all we went from being pregnant to expecting twins to knowing Sophia was ill to Sophia's passing to giving birth to them all in front of them. 

I remember Christmas 2007 when my aunt gave us three little baby things that were neutral because she knew with twins we would need everything. This goes to show everyone experienced our loss with us. Everyone gave us our space when needed and everyone loved and welcomed Mya's safe arrival. 

So all and all we have a mix of family support. But tonight as I am a guest speaker at Huntington for "A Night to Remember" I will have family there supporting me. Really that is a huge thing to know I have their support.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Day 11:

 It is said that Father's and Mother's grieve differently. 
Do you feel this is true with your angel's father?

I 100% agree with this. From day one of us finding out Sophia was ill Eddie went into survival mode. It seemed all he wanted to ensure is that we brought home one child. 

I know he heard the facts of everything. He analyzed it rationally. I however looked at it as "what if they are wrong, what if she is fine, I hope everything will be fine"

I simply put looked at it as any mother would hoping and praying to God that both of my babies would survive. 

Eddie listens to me when I want to vent about Sophia but he really does not give his input. He is supportive of me but if you ask him we are defiantly in two different places.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Day 10:

 If you have Rainbows or older children do they know and remember your angel(s)?

In a technical manner Mya is my very own Rainbow as she is twin B. I think I summed everything up HERE

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Day 9:

If you have other children how has your loss effected them? 
If you don't other children how has your loss affected your relationship with your partner?

I always have these thoughts in my head how Sophia's passing away will effect Mya. Did Sophia's passing effect Mya in utero? The other big question I have been thinking about now is, now that I am so involved with WTRLA what will Mya think of this when she is a little older?

Besides all of these bad thoughts that cross my mind from time to time our life is at follows. Last year at WTRLA my friend Jessica made Mya a Sophia elephant. She to this day still loves her Sophia. The day after the walk she insisted on taking Sophia to Disneyland with her. 

Sophia was cremated. We have her ashes at home with us. I feel that keeps our family complete. In January another mother of loss Fran made me the most awesome box to put her in. I have also added little mementos to the box. One of them is a glass heart we got from Huntington last year for the "A Night to Remember" we received a little glass heart and again Mya is always playing with that heart. She knows it is "Sophia's Heart" and when she is done playing with it she puts it back in Sophia's box. 

I do not tell Mya she is a twin, but Sophia does come up in conversation. We have a magnet in our kitchen that is a butterfly that was given to me from Charlotte, Matty's Grandma. Mya will ask about the butterfly and I will tell her that is Sophia's. Or she will ask something about Sophia and I will simply reply Sophia, your sister. That is about as basic as our conversations get. But none the less I am happy that is as complex as the get. We went from the joyous day of Mya simply saying "Fia" to know her knowing things that belong to Sophia.

I could not ask for more at this time. I know a time will come where I will tell her the story of Sophia and Mya before she was born. Frankly I am a little scared of that day. 

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Day 8:

Do you feel you have more good days than bad ones?

I think this year has been a very different year for me. Though there are so many wonderful things going on I have had a tough year. My life has been filled with doctors and being sick most of this year. I have a whole new respect for the medical community for two reasons. Cancer is a bitch and I finally spoke my mind to Huntington Hospital about all the negative things that happened in my situation.

I would have to say between years one and two I had a lot of bad days that were related to the grief process. But I will tell you that things well start to feel a little better. I know when a loss is so fresh and new those words hurt more than anything imaginable. But in time you will feel somewhat normal again, somewhat function-able. I will also tell you it does take time. 

So to sum this up I think as far as the grief process in concerned I have more good days. As far as the year in general I would say there a lot of bad days around here.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Day 7:

 Do you do something to honor your angel(s)? If so what?

I collect Sophia's name. I started collecting her name around the girls 1st birthday. I will never forget seeing Sophia's name in the sand the day after Mya's 1st birthday party and Father's Day. This will always be Sophia's first name print I collected. I love it and treasure it so much. 

Since then I have collected so many more. I would have to say these are a few of my favorites: 

 Thank you Karen for making this candle for Sophia. I have it displayed on my armoir
 Thank you Katie
 Thank you Shey. I love to tell people I have Sophia's name in Egypt.
 Sophia in Italy. Thank you so much Alex for taking the time in your trip to think of Sophia.
Thank you Tami for thinking of Sophia last year for your "Sisters Through Tragedy" project.

I have over 50 photos of Sophia's name. I love each and every one of them. I know each picture represents a moment that someone was thinking of my sweet little girl and I love that. So thank you everyone that has helped keep Sophia's memory alive.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Day 6:

How do you answer the question of how many children you have?

I can never answer this question without hesitation. I always have to go through that pause a minute, think about it and then answer. Yet I always answer with some sort of explanation. I don't know if it is because I owe it to myself or Sophia but I can not just say:
 "She is our only one"
"Just one" 
"Yes she is our only child, thank you!"

For some reason the things that come out of my mouth are:

" She is our only living child"
"She is a twin, her sister past away"
"One, with us"

I feel so guilty every time I get asked this I feel such guilt. I just don't know why.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Day 5

Do you ever get subtle reminders of your angel(s)? If so what what are they? *Winks*

I have never been a dreamer. I have not really believed in signs. But recently I did feel like I had a Sophia moment. It started with one little rainbow.

I think with collecting Sophia's name every time I get a new picture that is a wink. Because it brings such happiness to my heart to know someone other than myself is thinking of Sophia for one moment.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Day 4:

Through your grief process what has kept you going?

There are many things that have kept me going. And there were many reasons I had set backs for that matter too! So in no particular order here is what keeps me going:

    1. Mya "The" Quinn Beserra
    2. Walk to Remember, Los Angeles
                I brings a smile to my face when someone tells me I have helped them. That means I
                am doing mt job, the job I set out to do last year.
    3. Music
                I don't know if it is the marching band in me or my family of musicians but music has always
                been a powerful thing to me.
    4. Dr. Pepper
                Oh how I love you!
    5. Family
                No joke, I talk to my mom daily. Eddie and everyone else that I consider my family.
    6. Support Groups
                I started attending support group last year and until then I did not realized it still hurt.
    7. Looking forward
               I have learned the only way to look is forward. Looking back will not keep you moving. Don't
               get me wrong you have to always remember but there is not reason to over analyze the past.
               It is the past and unless you have some magic or way to change the pass there is no reason to
               keep analyzing everything from the past.

So here is what has kept me going for the last three and half years since we heard those words: "I am sorry twin A no longer has a heart beat"

Though some of these things are petty (Dr. Pepper) I still think this is what has kept me afloat.

Monday, October 3, 2011

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

Day 3: Through your grief process who has been your "rock"

Hands down if I did not have Eddie to look at everything rationally not emotionally. Eddie always looked at we had to do what was best to get one of our little girls home. Though we would have with out a doubt taken both of them. 

I have said in the past being pregnant and grieving at the same time have been one of the hardest things I have done in my life.  But Eddie was there. Eddie was there to remind me I still need to keep a calm head about me to get through all of this.

Then Mya blessed us pretty much as healthy as can be for a preemie. I devoted all of my time to Mya. Mya became my rock. My focus and my everything.

I think my lucky stars for Eddie and Mya.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Day 2: Your Children

Day 2: Tell us about your children. As much or as little as you like. Names, birthdays, stats.

Sophia: My twin A. Sophia Rene Beserra is her name. I have always called her "My Sweet Sophia" She was born on June 30th, 2008 at 8:15pm weighing in at 15.9 oz. She passed away 14 weeks before birth on March 11, 2008. Sophia gave such a good fight for her sister. We believe she may have saved her sisters life.
On June 20, 2009 the say after Mya's first birthday party I received my first picture with Sophia's name. Since then I have collected over 40 different pictures with Sophia's name written in various places in the world. I see all of these beautiful pictures as a way to take the place of the pictures I will never of Sophia. Sophia's has changed my life in so many ways and I thank her for that.

Mya: My twin B. Mya Quinn Beserra (or Mya "the" Quinn Beserra as she says it). Mya was born at 8:16 pm weighing 5 lbs 8oz. 18 1/2 inches long. Mya spent 5 hours in the NICU as hospital policy and her only real complication was a heart murmur which seems to have corrected itself.

Mya is a very lively little girl. Mya goes through shoes like you would not believe. Though she has tons of shoes she plays so hard she has worn out a pair of Target shoes in one school day. Mya plays hard and has an imagination like you would not believe. She is funny and loves to laugh.

Mya loves to play dress up. Mya loves being a kid. Mya still sucks her thumb at bedtime and loves to sleep in Mommy's bed. Mya is my rock and Eddie and I love being Mya's parents.

These are my two girls. Sophia and Mya.