Sunday, July 20, 2008

Sophia Is Home.

I am now allowed to drive. Friday evening we got a call that we could pick up Sophia on Monday. It was such a nice thing to hear that Sophia was going to be coming home with us.

Eddie went back to work today and when we got the call on Friday he told me we should wait until next weekend to go get her. I told him no, I want her home.

So I packed up Mya and we were off the Risher's. I pulled in, parked and put Mya in the Baby Bjourn. I took a big breath and walked in. As soon as I walked up to the desk I lost it. All I could do is cry and rub Mya's tiny back. The woman behind the desk gave me a tissue and was rubbing my other hand. I told her I was here to pick up my daughter. She told me she was sorry for my loss. Then she told my how beautiful Mya is. She walked to a book shelf and grabbed Sophia.

She put Sophia down in front of me and asked if I was OK. I told her I will be, one day. She said let me walk you to your car. So we walk, we walked very slow. I strapped Mya into her car seat and the woman gave me a big hug and said again she was sorry for my loss.

I needed to get out of there. I put Sophia in the passenger seat, bucked up and drove to the first place I could think of......Margaret's house.

When I pulled up she saw I was crying and I think she knew why. So we unbuckled Mya and Margaret took her. We went inside. Mya and I visited for sometime. I feel that we have a special bond. She lost Wilbur right before we found out Sophia was ill. Though my loss of Sophia is very minor she understand.

Now we are all home safe and sound. I don't know where I should put Sophia. Right now she is sitting up on our shelf in the livingroom.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

This Is Not A Family Outing.

Today we went to the mourtuary. Yesterday while at the doctor with Mya we found out the "great state of California" decided to change the format in which death certificates are done. I had our portion of Sophia's done mid May. So need less to say it is no good.

We packed Mya up and drove to Montebello to Risher. We met with one of the owners. In May we met with her brother and he told me everything would be taken care of and now they basically have no clue who we are. I don't need this right now.

We filled out the new application for the death certificate and paid to have Sophia cremated. Which was a whole different price then we were told at first.

I just wanted to get me and my 9 day old child out of there ASAP. That is what my focus was. After we left we went and Mya went to her first restaurant. We went to Chili's because it was not busy and that was perfect for us.

Mya, I can't not believe you are such a good little baby and put up with all the nonsense that you did today. Mommy loves you are we are now one step closer to getting Sophia home with us.

Monday, July 7, 2008

What The Hell Is Wrong With People.

Maybe I am really hormonal right now. I really don't know. We took Mya to her pediatricians for her first actual scheduled appointment.

Mya is one week old today and weighs 5 lbs 2 oz. She has finally gained an ounce and half. We are getting some where now.

So the point of all of this. At the doctors today we saw Mya's doctor. She said she wanted us to stay and meet with the lactation specialist since it does not seem like my milk has come in. So we met with her. At the very moment she came in the Social Worker called to get information from us about Sophia. Eddie excused himself. I told her I was sorry we are trying to take care of arrangements for Mya's twin sister that passed away. The woman proceeds to tell me "You have to breastfeed, if not for Mya for her twin sister"

I had no idea what to say. I felt like saying who the hell are you? But I didn't and Eddie came back in the room. I could not focus anymore. I half listened to what she told me.

I plan on breastfeeding. However I also understand that for the last week Mya has been getting formula after every feeding session. My cousin told me to stick it out for a month and then go from there. That is what the plan is for now.

I get very discouraged because even when I pump I don't even get a teaspoon. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Shouldn't my milk have come in now? I understand that Mya is a preemie maybe my body is trying to adjust.

On a lighter note after Mya's appointment we went to the mall to try and find Mya some clothes that actually fit. See I kept telling people Mya will not need preemie clothes because they will not take her until she is over 6 lbs. I was certain of that. My Aunt Vivian sent a Preemie set and a preemie gown, thankfully we had them because it was the only things that fit her. So today we went to the one place I said I would not shop for Mya........Gymboree. Mya got 5 little outfits. This weekend we are planning on going to the beach so Mya can get some sun and we will stop by Carter's on the way home so see if we can find anything else to fit her. For now I am doing non stop laundry.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

The Biggest Day of My Life......

This is going to be a long one. Well, Mya Quinn Beserra is here safe and sound.

They both arrived on Monday night at 8:16pm. Our C-Section was scheduled on Wednesday, July 2nd at 10:00am. I think Mya decided she wanted to be sure to be home for 4th of July.

The story goes............... On Sunday we celebrated Alice's 50th birthday with brunch with 47 family members. It was a wonderful time. I think everyone had a good time. I don't think I have every seen Alice cry before, as she is one of the strongest women I know. She was so overwhelmed at the end of brunch she cried as she hugged everyone good bye. Eddie and I left knowing that the next time we see our family we will have our very own family.

When we got home I started to get a really bad headache that not even Tylenol would take care of. I woke up Monday morning with the same headache. I got up took a shower and put my bedding into the wash as that was one of the last things on my list to do before Wednesday and went to do my NST testing.

When I got there the nurse said I did not look good and hooked me up to the monitor for the test. Turns out I was having contraction 3-4 minutes apart and I was not feeling all of them due to the headache. So the nurse said they were admitting me to the Labor and Delivery to be monitored some more. So then at about 1:00pm they called the doctor and she told them to schedule my C-Section for 8:00pm. The nurse came and told me and I called Eddie. I told him "I hope you are ready to have a babies today".

So Eddie came. By 6:00 my parents were there and everything was a go. At 7:45pm they started preparing me for the surgery. They gave Eddie a pair of scrubs and he was ready. They took me to give me the Spinal and Eddie waited in the hall for the go ahead to come in. He told me a few days ago that he went the threw up before he came into the room. One of his co-workers told him don't eat before and now he knows why.

My doctor and my specialist came in and the show was on the road. The took Sophia and did not say anything, but the anesthesiologist said "twin A is out." Then almost immediately following Sophia it was Mya's turn. They took her out she gave off one little whimper and then they cleaned her passages and within 5 minutes she was crying. They cleaned her up and watched her for a few minutes then they had Eddie cut the cord. Eddie was not prepared for this, he says the "tricked" him. They told him to come near her and then they just had him do it. Finally they weighed her and showed her to me.

As I laid there I so wished I would hear some sort of miracle come out of some one's, any one's mouth. But nothing. My doctor and I spoke about Sophia before hand and we decided they would not tell me when they took her so that I did not freak out and my heart rate did not jump causing any problems. But I still deep down wish someone said there she is alive. They finally they weighed Mya and showed her to me.

At that very moment I knew somehow things were going to be OK. I also came to terms with our life had in store for us. There was my smaller then expected but perfect "Twin B" She has been my rock for the last 14 1/2 weeks. Yet I have never met her and I was in love. I knew she was going to keep my sanity.

Eddie went with Mya to show her to our family real quick then she went to the NICU for monitoring. They sewed me up and the rude anesthesiologist told me I did a good job. Not that makes any of this better. They wheeled me to recovery. Eddie came to be with me. He told me that everything was fine. Our little girl looked great. Within 15 minutes I was throwing up. I asked the anesthesiologist to give me something to prevent this and it still happened. One by one our family came to see me.

They kept me in recovery for about an hour and half due to my throwing up and then they took me to my room.

When we got settled Eddie went and got something to eat and took a shower. They finally brought Mya to us at 1:30 am. I finally got to hold her. I was so happy to see her when I tried pulling myself up in bed I threw up again. The hospital room was nice, there was a cot for Eddie to sleep on and we had our own shower. However after spending three days there it gets to you to say the least. We got to go home on Thursday afternoon.

The hospital gave us a little box to remember Sophia by. I told them before surgery I wanted to see her. They said OK. Then Tuesday I asked the Chaplin if I could see her and she told me she would see what they can do and a nurse came in and said no we can't see her. I don't know how I feel about this. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe she was so beat up they did not want to scare me. I don't know. But this really changed everything I wanted done.

While in the hospital Mya's jaundice levels got a little high, but not high enough to have to do anything major. We are really keeping a close eye on her now.

As much as I prepared to have a moment with BOTH of my girls it did not happen. I don't know why and I know I asked, that was all I could do. But I thought that was the whole point in making a birth plan. I have to say everything changed the second I got to hold Mya. I feel like I was the last one to touch her. And when I did get to hold her I did not want to let go of her. I worked so very hard to get her here safely. Now she is and though I don't have them both to hold I feel empty. But on the other hand I feel like I have not time to finish mourning Sophia. 20 weeks ago Mya was Eddie's priority and I was so concerned about Sophia. NOW the world revolves around Mya.

I will take my time to grieve Sophia, I have earned that right. Though I really feel that now is not the time. I know I will get to it.