Today is my 28th birthday and I am going to not have a good day. I have decided and there is no one to change my mind.
Since I started bed rest on April 6th I have spent 65 days in bed and for the first of those days I am happy to be in bed. I want to be here, I want to curl up in a ball and that is that.
More than ever I want BOTH of my babies safe and alive. I don't need to celebrate myself but I would have liked to have a day to think what next year would be like with my twin girls. Next year who knows where they would have been or what they would have been doing. Perhaps learning to walk. I can only lay here and imagine all the what ifs of my life.
Not that all of this daydreaming gets me anywhere. I am not sure if this is a dream or a nightmare. I know everything that we have been through when it all comes down to it is for Mya.
It seems to be daily that I think what if this is one huge mistake. What is Sophia is still alive. For goodness sake, Eddie's cousins are twins and they only knew about one of them until they were born. I really would not mind if one of them was a boy if that means I get BOTH of them. I would not mind if I had to run to Target or BRU and purchase an extra car seat. I would not mind if I had to go purchase little boy clothes. Because my brother in-law was a boy and they told Alice Gabriel was a girl. My point is this clearly would not be the first time the medical community was wrong right? Why can't I be one of those miracle stories?
That is my birthday wish!