Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Tuesday, March 11, 2008, A Day I Never Wanted.

19w5d: Eddie and I had our monthly appointment today with Dr. Shah. We found out we have lost our Baby "A" who Eddie and I have named Sophia. I am very sure she passed away today.

This morning I had an amazing morning with BOTH of my girls. As I drove to work BOTH of them were moving away to the music. I was listening to the Aggrolites. I kept switching what hand I had on the wheel so I could feel both of them kicking my hand. Though I am not in a good frame of mind right now I am very happy that my last moment with BOTH of my girls alive was this moment and I was in the moment.

Today was going to be special Alice wanted to come see our girls. We arranged our appointment so Eddie and her would be there with me. Paul even asked me if "Little Flipper" was still with us. I was certain she was with the morning we had. I told him I was very certain she was.

We waited a little longer today to see the doctor. We got in there and Dr. Shah asked us how things were. I told him good, we just had movement this morning. He hooked me up and went straight for Sophia. The first words out of his mouth were "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat on twin A." I turned my head away from the screen and clutched Eddie's hand. I could not look at all. He then moved to twin "B" and very quickly told me she was OK.

They gave us a refund of $76 since we were now only being seen for 1 baby. We left the office. As we walked to the parking structure I got a text from Bree asking how things were. I just responded "we lost A"

I would give $76 a million times to have her back.

This is not the outcome I hoped, wished or even dreamed of but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I have no choice to take it.

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