Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Admitting Defeat

I am admitting defeat, from my self. I have let myself down. Simply put I can't go on like this anymore.

I am tired. I have tried for so long now to put on this show of "Superwoman" Simply put I just can't do it anymore. What makes this whole thing so much worse is that it hurts me to say that. It hurts me to know that I can't hack it at my own life.

I know I can't hack it as a wife. I question if I am a good mother. I know I simply can not do my job anymore. And the one that hurts I think the most is no matter how hard I try WTRLA always gets put on the back burner.

I had the opportunity to go home at a normal time last night and I stayed an extra hour to get one thing done and I caught hell for it at home. I made a New Year Resolution to do my job to the best of my ability and even though I spend about 90% of my day doing my work there are still simply not enough hours in the work day to get it all done. Which puts me in the worse position EVER. Do I stay at work to get work done OR do I go home in time to at least say goodnight to Mya. Seeing Mya for an hour and half a day does not make my life as a Mommy easy. It kills me that I can not be the Mommy she needs at this time of the year.

WTRLA I have tried and tried to make this thing thrive. I knew during tax time it would have to be put to the side. We had our rummage sale on Saturday and I handed it off so that it could be handled while I was at work and something still happened. I am not pointing fingers but why did this have to happen. I little warning would have made my life easier.

Being a wife is something I have never been good at. Ask anyone that has gotten a chance to know me and they know I give everything I do my very best. But being a wife, lets just face it I suck at it. I am not cut out to be a wife. Eddie and I are the most competitive people and we do it to each other. Eddie and I are meant to be friends.

My diet, what diet. I simply, mentally can not do it right now. I need to do and yet I appear to be letting stress get the best of me. I don't know why I do that but I do. It is horrible but I do.

Now comes the part that I just don't know what to do. How do I fix all of this? I can't just focus on work and come home to my family on April 18th like nothing ever happened. I can't take a leave of absence for 6 months like I did in 2008 after Sophia passed away. I can't just drop WTRLA and plan a Mother's Day Picnic in 12 days after tax time is done. So what do I do?

I need to leave my little pity party funk and move on. Keep going. Get over it. But then I ask myself can I really keep being the Superwoman people expect me to be? But then I ask myself again........ Why can't I just say no sometimes?


  1. You've got a lot on your plate. I tend to do the same to myself - add a whole lot of good things until my cup runneth too far over and I can't handle it all. Then it's really hard to choose which of the good things to let go. In my case, I always revert back to family being absolutely #1. Work will come and go, but family is yours forever, so it's the most important to make things happy at home. Sounds like it's time for a (possibly painful) evaluation of priorities - been through many myself, and the end result is always good. Take care of yourself!

  2. First and foremost I have the UTMOST respect for working moms. I daily wonder how in the world you do it. I don't have any advice, just know you're in my thoughts right now...as I know this season MUST be insane for you.

    And I agree with Heidi... at some point you HAVE to take care of YOU or there is nothing left to give....