Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Worse Feeling of Guilt EVER!

On Saturday's while at work I go get lunch for our office. The last two weekends we have had Zankou for lunch. Last week when I drove by this very location I took a moment to reflect on my Sweet Sophia as I always do when I drive down Whittier Blvd.

Today how ever was different. I was driving and my head was turned the other way. I was admiring the park across the street. It was so well shaded and just like a nice place to lay and enjoy a Saturday afternoon, rather than work.

Before I knew it I had past the last Sophia was. Risher Mortuary. The first place I drove once I was allowed to drive after my C-Section. The one place I wish I did not take Mya to (twice).

Again those are two days that stick out in my head so perfectly.

The first day we took Mya to the doctor to check her billiruben then we came here to re-do all the paper work since LA County changed their forms 3 hours and 44 minutes after my beautiful little girls were born. I remember the seats being much too low for a person who just had abdomen surgery. I remember Mya slept the whole time we were there. I remember sitting in this room with Urns, just thinking my 6 day old should not be here so we can make final arrangements for her twin sister.

On our second trip to Risher is was just Mya and I. Mya was two weeks old on the dot it was Monday, July 14th, 2008. I remember on Friday night I had got a call that Sophia was ready to be picked up on Monday. All weekend I was thinking about my little girl and what life would be like if I had both of them with me here on Earth.

That morning Eddie got up to go back to work for the first time since the birth of our little girls. Eddie left. All I could focus on was having BOTH of my girls home with ME! I packed up Mya for our first outing alone, just the two of us. I had everything packed and we were on the way. I took the streets the whole way. When we got there I parked and put on the Baby Bjorn and got Mya out and all snuggled in. I took a deep breath before I opened the door. I walked in and was greeted by two women. They both looked at Tiny Mya and they knew what I was there for. By that time I was in tears. just holding Mya and saying "I am here for my daughter, Sophia Rene Beserra"

More tears came and they gave me Sophia. And more tears. I said thank you. I turned around holding both of my girls. I had longed for that moment since before they had been born.

As I was turning to leave one of the women said she would help me to the car. When I got Mya safely in the car she gave me a hug and told me how sorry she was for my loss. I cried.

Now this feeling of such guilt has come over me. I am the one who when asked always pauses for a second and answers I have two daughters or children. There is no way I am forgetting about Sophia, is there?


  1. oh cassie, this brought me to tears. Im so so sorry mama. HUGS.

  2. You are NOT forgetting about her friend. Sophie is bigger than the funeral home. Look at EVERYTHING you have done for other mama's because of her and in her name...There is no way she is anywhere close to forgotten. Her sweet little life has touched so many people. Her little life is much bigger than the last place she was.

    I completely understand how the memory of that place holds a very special significance to you. I VERY much admire you going to pick her up. It was something I couldn't do.

    Hugs friend. hang in there... Email me if you need anything=)

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  4. There is no way you will forget Sophia. You do so much for her and all of the other babies who go far too soon. You are a great mother to both of your daughters.