Day 10

Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you

and how it makes you feel seeing it now

I am going to have to find a picture and come back to this one. Eddie and I will be together 10 big old years this coming July and I am kind of excited about that. Though we have only been married for 6 years. So I will have to find a non Cassie Beserra related picture and find a Cassie Jojola picture to write about.

Long Beach Memorial/Miller Children's Hospital

Last night I attended the prenatal loss group at Long Beach Memorial. Many of my new BLM friends that I met at the walk attend this group.



Mid day I found out Karen would also be attending this group so I had to make a couple calls to be sure I could go.



At 5:30 I got a call from a client that lives in Long Beach and I asked her the best way to get to Long Beach Memorial. Thank you for the great instructions Nellie. So I left my office at 6pm, grabbed a bite to eat and was on my way. I had my nightly conversation with my mom while driving there. When I arrived I text Lucia to find out the best place to park and I text Karen to tell her I was on site.

When Karen arrived we walked in. This was the first time Karen had been to LBMH since Mason passed away. We got instructions on where the meeting would be and were on our way again.

When we got to the group there were several familiar faces. Sharon started the meeting. She left the new comers for last. Listing to every one's stories of their amazing angels always makes me think what we went through with Sophia was nothing. Though it was something to me it was nothing in the big scheme of things.

Karen told Mason's story and to hear her tell his story brought tears to my eyes. She had never been to a group before and I think she did a wonderful job of telling everyone how amazing Mason is, and what joy Mason has brought to Karen's life.

Then it was my turn to tell Sophia's story to a whole new group of parents. Every time I share Sophia with other parents I always seem to break down and cry. No matter of how proud I am of how far she made it, it still hurts like it was yesterday. I told everyone what we went through with a poor doctor and how things could have been different and that is why I have choose to do the Non-Profit work I have started.

At the meeting I met the first surviving twin Mom ever in person. Dana is mom to Grace and Benjamin. Benjamin lived 24 minutes after birth and now he dances with Sophia.

After the group I got texts thanking me for coming. It was very nice to know that I was welcomed to a group that I had never been to and that they were happy to hear Sophia's story.

Day 9

Day 9 - a photo you took since your loss

Hmm. This is a good question. This is a picture of my mom and I in August 2010 while in Teluride, CO. My parents, Mya and I went to visit my brother and sister. Though I wish Eddie was with us we still enjoyed our trip.

This is also the photo I cropped for my Faces of Loss, Faces of Hope story. I was happy at the time because I had just seen one of the gondola stops was Station Saint Sophia. Seeing this really made my whole trip worth it.

Day 8

Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad

These are Sophia's Ultrasound pictures from January 4, 2008. They make me angry and sad. Because if you look at them you can see her Hygroma. It is very large and VERY clear and yet my OB/gyn did not tell us she was ill. She told us we needed to go see a specialist because we are carrying multiples.

Looking back rationally I think she did one of two things. She did not want to tell us the bad news or she wanted to have the whole situation analyzed before we were told Sophia was ill.

I know there is nothing we could do to fix her but to at least tell us hey there is a chance and you need to have another doctor look at this.

Again this falls into the whole "If I knew then what I know now" scenario. Then these pictures looked like our twin A. I cropped Mya's U/S picture off of this. These are the only Ultrasound pictures I have of just Sophia. I have one last picture of Sophia and Mya the tops of their head on February28, 2008. I wish they would have given me more pictures of just Sophia.

Day 7

Day 7- a photo that makes you happy.

This is a good question. I have so many that come to mind for for the purpose of this blog I am going to go with this picture.

My first ultrasound picture. December 3, 2007. The day I found out my 1 was 2. Though looking at these simple little eggs. You can clearly see Mya is bigger. You can also see her little heart. Sophia is smaller and you don't see her heart. But this is the only ultrasound that you really don't see Sophia's problems. I think though I was scarred out of my mind his was still a happy day.

Day 6

Day 6 - twenty things that calm you.

This is a good one and is going to require some thought. So here is what I have come up with.

1. Mya- That little girl simply amazes me. She is so playful and the way she gives her hugs and kisses would calm anyone. Ask Kassi and Nick. Though it took a couple of visits with Nick for her to give him hugs.

2. Music- Music is a very big part of my life. My father and Uncle are musicians. I use to be a musician. Music can be a very powerful thing if you let it. I have been known to listen to the same music over and over again. Like currently I listen to Bethany's blog http://matbethany.blogspot.com/ She is the only mom I keep contact with that is parenting a surviving twin. I think her play list was made for me.

3. Eddie- If he is not the reason I am frazzled then he knows how to calm me down fairly quickly.

4. Surfing the net- Sitting in the evening after Mya has gone to bed can be calming. Checking all the blogs I follow and facebook.

5. Scrap booking- I love scrap booking. Though I have not done it in a long while I still think it is calming.

6. Chatting- I love chatting with any of my BLM friends. I love to hear their stories and getting to know them.

7. Shopping- Though I don't do that much anymore retail therapy is always fun.

8. Starbucks- Nothing like a nice treat for yourself.

9. Baking- When I bake, I bake. I do tons. It keeps my mind off of other things. I will go on for hours and hours.

10. Sewing- Before motherhood I use to craft. I use to make blankets and all sorts of other items. I did my last craft show when Mya was 3 1/2 months old. Sometimes I think about doing it again and then I realize how full my plate is.

11. Talking to my Mom- Or as Eddie and I have a running joke "Are you talking to your MOMMY"

12. Talking to my sister, Molly- What can I say we are sisters and we stick together.

13. Going for Rice and Roll with Alice- Sometime Alice and I sneak off and go treat ourselves to Shrimp Fried Rice and Shrimp Crunchy Roll at Tokyo Wako. It is a nice treat.

14.This one is bad. Picking at my face- Plucking eye brows or black heads is calming to me.

15. This should be at the top of my list, Going to Disneyland- I have an annual pass and going makes me feel like all of my worries are not an issue while we are there. Lately we have been trying new things that we have never done. So that is fun times.

16. Sitting in my rocking chair- As I am doing at this very moment. Sitting in my rocking chair in the dark in my bedroom.

17, Blogging- When Mya was a month old I started a blog for her. http://myaquinn.blogspot.com/ I have always kept her for her so that one day she have it all printed and see every little things she does. Recently I started this blog. I have to say though getting everything transferred from my email to this blog was emotional I have to say it was very therapeutic and I am glad I did it.

18.Family outings- Though most of the time it is nothing major we still have fun. I am always being accused of not wanting to do house work so that is why I am always out but I feel I want to be fun. My house looks like a 2 year old her parents live in it. At times you will find clothes on the floor or puzzles scattered all over but it is not filthy. A 2 year old lives here.

19. Nothing- A whole lot of nothing can be very calming.

20. Remember. When I remember the wonderful kicks I felt one so low and one up in my ribs those kicks remind me of a time so simple. When I had hope that Sophia would make it and always wished the doctors were wrong.

There is my 20. That was a hard one.

How Hard Is It?

Today I saw a post from my partner, Kassi on Facebook. She was upset.

She said:
"Why do I keep getting mail from Similac and Babies R Us?? Not to mention these Facebook ads always say things like,"deals for your newborn." It's been 5 months and I thought I had opted out of receiving these things. So sad"

I know I am that rare case that still had use for my coupons after my loss. But this brings to mind something that happened to me a couple months ago. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a nut for keeping Mya's photo's up to date. I see it as we will not have more children and I want to be sure I document her growing up. So back to my story. A couple months ago I called our favorite photo place and asked to make an appointment for my daughter. They asked me for my basic information then the girl asked me would it be for Sophia or Mya or both? I proceeded to tell her Sophia was no longer with us, so it would only be for Mya. I think the girl felt bad but what else would I say. If I did not tell her now this would continue to happen.

So after commenting on Kassi's status I proceeded to email Similac as they were already closed. I then called the 800 number for Toys R Us after getting hung up on twice after being told that the only person to fix this problem would be the mother. I told them how many times do they need to call you? I decided to call my Babies R Us in West Covina. I told the girl who I was and after the birth of my girls that my breast milk never came in. I told her that I was so happy that they helped me out in letting me return all of my breast feeding supplies and I was thankful for that. I also told her that I have heard from several mothers that have had the same problem Kassi is having and we need to get this resolved. She told me she was going to transfer me to the baby registry department and asked if I would hold for a minute.

Two minutes later Randy got on the phone. He is the store manager and I told him the everything I told the first person. He said he agreed this was not right and we need to fix this problem. He asked for my phone number and he told me he would be calling me back, if not today Monday. Five minutes later he called back telling me that he is getting his district manager involved and that this is not right. He also assured me that we will work together to get this problem fixed.

I then called Gymboree after TJ informed me that she has tried three times to get off their list. I was told that a supervisor would be calling me tomorrow to get information from me.

This makes me sad to know that all of these mothers have to keep going through this over and over. How could large companies like this do this. This is a quick fix and once it is done this will help these moms.

Day 5

Day 5 - your favorite quote

Well I will have to say from the good old words of the US Army "Be All You Can Be"

I don't know if that is my parents strong work ethic or what but I have always tried to do my best at everything. Now I know that does not mean I was not always the best at everything but I was sure to give it my all and have fun while doing it.

I think this is the best quote for me. As long as you give it everything you have that will be fine. I hope that is one thing I teach Mya. As long as she does her best she will be the best she can be and that is fine with her Mommy.

Day 4

Day 4 - your favorite book. has it changed since your loss?

I can't say that I read books. About the extent of my reading is the IRS and EDD annual circlular. I read more magazines.

I do read to Mya. A book I registered for and still read to her is Guess How Much I Love You. My favorite quote from the book is:

"I love you right up to the moon and back"

With Mya I struggle when I think about what she went through after Sophia's passing. I often wonder if she will have any emotional trauma from my pregnancy. I also wonder if all the things they say about twins will be true for Mya. Will she know she is a twin? Will she sense her sister in missing from our lives. I know this is not the case like you see on TV how twins who are separated at birth know there is some sort of missing link in their life. Will that be the case for Mya? I worry about Mya a lot. I don't want her to be an emotional nut case like her mom is.

Sophia At Legoland

I got this today from Shannon. I feel like she is always thinking of me at the right time. When I am struggling she always seems to send Sophia pictures at the right time.

Day 3

Day 3 - a television program that helped you either get through hard times or that moves you.

This is a hard one. Eddie and I have about three shows we watch together. They are Rescue Me, Dexter, Breaking Bad and It's Always Sunny.

When I watch any of these shows I seem to get lost. I think it might be a form of relaxation for me. Because anyone that knows me know that it take a lot for me to sit and relax.

So I don't know that they have been moving to me but I will say they help me relax. So that is a good thing.

I Am Really Doing It.

For years Eddie has said I don't have friends and that I need to get some friends. I would always tell Eddie my friends are online. I am happy this way. I want to spend my time with Mya.

I keep to myself. I love to craft. I go out and do things with Mya and before Mya I would go to family events with Alice.

I have always thought I am a bad friend. I work very hard and I am always a cruddy friend January-April, July and October. So why bother with the other 5 months.

Plus in my eyes family is everything. I love to have my family over for dinner. I love having Thanksgiving at my house. I love all the holiday's because it is extra time with family. Now that Mya is here and we have adapted to our "New Normal" I feel 500x more about spending time with family.

Then I started WTRLA. I started connecting with other BLM's. I felt talking (chatting) with them and meeting them in person. I could be myself. I could say I have twins and it was OK. I don't bring down a room when I am asked "Is she your only child?" or "How many children do you have?"

While at dinner tonight with Karen I felt all would be OK. All would be OK with her, with me and with life in general. I felt Sophia had such a strong presence tonight. Not only Sophia but Mason too.

I understand that all of us are in different places in our journey of grief but I have Mom's I look up to because they are so much more "ahead of the game" then I am. I am OK with that. I am also OK with not having friends or only having BLM friends, why because like Karen said it tonight "they understand me"

Thank you for dinner tonight Karen.........Thank you for helping me open my eyes just a little bit more.

I leave you with this sign that was at our booth at dinner tonight. Progress, a wonderful thing.

Day 2

Day 2 - a movie that helped you get through the hard times, or one that jumps out at you after your loss.

Juno.

The night Sophia passed away Eddie told me we needed to get out of the house, he was not going to let me curl up in a ball and just stay in bed. He said this for two reasons. Number one I am not the person that hangs out in bed. I have never been. My bed is for sleeping and for watching TV before I fall asleep. Number two is because though I was completely devastated about Sophia's passing I had to continue my pregnancy. I had to do my best for Mya. Even though in my eyes I was so devastated about Sophia's passing. No matter how much we prepared for it, the second I heard "there is not heart beat on twin A" My life would never be the same.

So we went to the mall and there was nothing else that caught my eye so we watched Juno. It was a nice movie and even though it was about pregnancy I did OK. I cried through the last 20 minutes of the move but it was OK.

When I was put on bed rest my brother in-law got me a copy of it and I would watch it all the time. It made me feel like things would be OK.

This Day......

This has been in interesting day. It was quarter end. Not only that this was my first quarter end I got done in one week. Today is also Day of the Dead, so naturally Sophia was on my mind. Not that she is not on my mind daily.

This day has contained taxes (not that most of my days don't), pettiskirts, new babies, engagements, terrible two's, stress and exhaustion. I am ready for it all to end.

Due to my and my daughters busy schedules not many taxes got done at the beginning of the month. Though amazing things happened at the beginning of the month not many priorities got done. I am so thankful to have understanding and supportive bosses. Without them I don't know where I would be.

So all that being said I am mentally and physically done with this day.

Day 1

Day 1 - a song that reminds you of your child and why.

Coldplay's Fix You. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yhkg4bVJEZc

Looking back like every mother would, if there was something they could do to bring their child back they would. Knowing that Sophia was sick we all hoped and prayed that she would be OK. Also another weird thing about this song is one the second anniversary of Sophia's passing I listened to this song over and over and OVER the whole way to work and the whole way home. I don't know why I did it but I did. I feel like it is my Sophia song.

I also think this is a very good song to describe my husband and I. Because when I am upset he will do almost anything to make me happy again. He does not like to see me upset because when I get upset I get really upset. I have always got my feeling hurt easily and that is one thing no matter how hard I try to change it I can't,