Christmas Day

So I have to say that Santa as well as all of his helpers were very good to me this year. Not that this has any real bearing on the holiday.

At 7:30 Alice & Eddie as well and Aunt Bea came over to have Christmas Morning as a family. Mya woke up went potty and Nana & Mya started heading down the stairs. The first thing that caught her eye was her new tricycle. She played with that for a few minutes then we started to open gifts.

After gifts were done we ate breakfast. We had tamales and eggs and Bea made posole per my request. We had a nice morning enjoying every one's company.

After Eddie, Alice and Bea left my Mom put her pies in the oven and I made my potatoes for Mary & Rick's house. Eddie and my Dad both went back to sleep. While my Mom was in the kitchen Mya took the opportunity to whip us up a little something while wearing her new apron and chef's hat.

Mya and I took a shower and got ready, woke up our Dad's and we were off. Then we were right back because I forgot the potatoes. Then we were back on the road.

Mya took a quick nap while in route to Chino Hills. Eddie and I were laughing because my parents left at the same time we did and we had to go back and get the potatoes and we still made it to Chino Hills 15 minutes before my parents. Oh well, what can you do.

After Mya woke up she played shy for a few minutes once Kiki and Liam came Mya was all over the place.

When all was said and done it was a nice day visiting with all of our family. I love the whole aspect of family and spending time together.

I leave you with my favorite picture on Christmas Day.

Midnight Mass

I don't speak too much of religion or politics. I was born and raised Catholic. Mya is baptized Catholic, she has only been to mass 4 times since she was born. I do not see how I could handle taking Mya to mass alone so I have chosen to start taking her after she turns 3.

Tonight was the first time I went to Midnight Mass. My parents got to our house about 10:00. We had the plan of going to Midnight Mass. So we all got ourselves together about 11:30 and headed over to Immaculate Conception which is 5 blocks from my house. I honestly had no idea what to expect for a Midnight Mass. Further more I did not know how I would feel about going back to church. It was very important that we baptised Mya very young, though Eddie and I have different feelings on this. The first thing my mom and I noticed was how beautiful the church was and how it was decorated.

Since we found out Sophia was ill I have always felt why did God do the to me? Have I not been through enough and now this? Well one of the things that was spoken about what being at peace with yourself during this time of year. I thought this mass must have been said for Sophia and I. There were so many subtle reminders of Sophia throughout the church and throughout the mass.

They even had a candle lighting at the end of mass. How perfect was this to remind me of my sweet angel. I left Immaculate Conception thinking 2011 will be the year I make an attempt to reconnect with my religion.

I look at some of my fellow BLM and think how could they be OK with God's plan. Though it is personal for everyone I have to say I admire all of these Mom's for being OK with God's plan. Or even how Eddie rationally says this is the way things have to be. Yet me the over thinker is now just starting to work on being OK.

Christmas Eve

Long before the days of children, Eddie and I have always had the luxury that we spend Christmas Eve with his family and Christmas Day with my family.

Tonight we spent the evening at Eddie's Uncle Johnny's house. We had a nice night.

As I have said tons of times it is very important for Mya to know her family. I am very fortunate to know my family. My cousins are all a phone call or email away at all times. Mya is the only grandchild on both sides of the family so her cousins technically are all 3rd, 4th or 5th cousins. I want Mya to know them all.

Tonight there were three little ones. Mya, Robert and Ray. They all played well together and that made me happy. The guys played cards and the ladies sat around the table chatting about various things.

Most importantly we got a family picture tonight. That is a very rare thing. We usually are missing one or two people in our picture but tonight it was all 6 of us.

As every holiday comes and goes I always wonder how life would have been as a party of 4 rather than a party of 3. Not a holiday (or day for that fact) goes by that I don't think of Sophia. How would our family handle having two wild haired crazy girls.

Thinking and Speaking of Sophia

Friday Eddie, Mya and I went to the mall after dinner. Before we left I went up stairs and got Sophia. We were on our way. Mya was asleep the whole time giving Eddie and I a chance to enjoy and not rush.

Our first order of business was to go to Things Remembered to pick out a box for Sophia. I had found three that I liked but I wanted Eddie's input. After all Sophia is not just mine. So I showed Eddie the three options and we decided to get the box that was the same as Mya's. I am looking at it as a twin thing. They have something the same.

I decided to only get her name on it for now. I have to think of something special to put on it. I am happy now we have a proper box for Sophia now. I feel like this has been something that needed to be done and I am happy it is done for now.

Fast forward to this morning.......

Alice came to our house this morning to pick something up. While I was busy wrapping things to ship today Alice was playing with Mya. Out of the blue Mya says "That is Sophia's" Alice then asked her what is Sophia's? She walked to the Christmas tree and pointed out Sophia's angel I made her. Right next to Sophia's angel is Mya's star.

It felt like it was music to my ears to her Mya speak Sophia's name without having myself initiate the conversation.

Though we/I have never told Mya, Sophia is her twin sister who has passed away. This year I have made Sophia part of our life. I know when the time comes I will tell Mya, Sophia's beautiful story in it entirety.

Sophia Rene Beserra

So here is my tribute to Sophia:
My Sweet Sophia,

I love you and miss you. This year has been an amazing year living your legacy. Without you I would not be the person I am today. I am also happy to say that you have become a bigger part in our life this year. Mya now knows Sophia is in our life. Your name is now commonly spoken in our home. Mya asks where her Sophia is. Mya will also ask me what is this? And my response is that is Sophia's or that is from Sophia's friend. She says oh. She asks me about your name is sand that I keep a copy on the refrigerator. For this I happy that you have now become an everyday part of our life. If it were not for you Walk to Remember, Los Angeles may not exist. For all of these things I thank you. I love you and miss you. Please take care of all the other angels that have joined you.

Love and Kisses,
Your Mommy

Operation Ornament

I have been working on Cinnamon Ornaments for all of our BL families for the holiday. I have posted some that are finished on Facebook. I have more to finish. I hope to have the project done by Friday and get them all in the mail. I want all of the families to have their ornament.

I have been struggling with the holiday's this year. And what makes me feel worse is that this seems to be the first year that Mya "gets it" yet Mommy don't not care to participate this year. I have been playing Christmas music in the car for Mya and she loves it. Our Christmas tree is half way decorated. I will get to it I promise.

So a little more about Operation Ornament......When I was younger my Aunt Margaret made these same ornaments except she would paint them. I am sure if you ask my Jojola cousins they will remember the ornaments. My Aunt passed away in January 2004. She was so creative. She also made these ornaments from walnuts. I wish I could figure those out.

So as I get all the pictures edited and all the ornaments I will post each one here on the blog. I want every BLM to know how much you all mean to me and how you have helped me with "Living my new normal"

So in the coming days look for your child or children's post. Also if you would like an ornament done for your child please feel free to email me (cassie@walktorememberla.org) or message me on Facebook.

Thank you Coach.

So this morning on my way to work I looked down for some reason and discovered my purse had 2 holes in it. My jaw dropped and I just got my purse 7 months ago for Mother's Day. I wanted to cry. I had just blogged http://livinganewnormal.blogspot.com/2010/11/day-28.html about how much I love my purse. I was my first Coach purse. How was it possible that it had two holes in it.

Eddie has always said around the holidays that I deserve a nice purse but there was nothing I really liked. This purse I LOVED. I loved the two flowers. It always made me think of Sophia and Mya, my two flowers.

So as soon as I got to work I called Coach to see what could be done. She told me to take it to the store and they will exchange it or send it for repair. So on my lunch I went to Montebello to the Coach store. When I was there I explained how much my purse meant to me. She took it to her district manager who happened to be visiting the store. The manager came to me and told me that she wants me to keep the purse and she feels that if we were to send it back to Coach I would never get it back. She she offered me store credit and she let me keep my special purse. So I looked around and I decided what I wanted. It was the same style just black leather. When all was said and done I had to give the manager a hug because I was so happy I got to keep my special purse, though it is not in the best condition I still have it.

I think after today I may just be getting into the Christmas spirit.

Can't I Get a Break? Please?

I have been having a hard time these days. Every things seems to be happening at once. I just don't know what to do any more. I guess that is life.

I am having a hard time with my teeth. There is so much garbage coming from my gums that I have an infection in my throat.

Work has been getting the best of me. It already feels like tax time. I hate this. But I know what can I do? I am very thankful to have a job with the way our country is these days. I think all I think about it work right now. I am already mentally preparing for tax time. I enjoy every moment with Mya and Eddie right now. Because in a month that won't be the case. I think that is the 1 thing I hate about my job. The fact that for nearly 3 months a year I am not as involved in Mya's life as I should be. I am her Mommy and she needs me. It is as simple as that. That is why Eddie says she is my "Mini Me".

I am not into Christmas this year. Two years ago it was exciting because it was Mya's first Christmas. Last year Mya had a little idea that something special was going on. This year we walk into Target or any other store and she tells me "It is Christmas Time" but I just can't get into it.

Walk to Remember, Los Angeles has been put on a back burner. As much as it hurts me to say that it has. I am planning to form a committee to help but I feel I should let everyone get past the holidays. So that is my 1 order of business (besides work) for January.

I think this about sums up my complaints. Thanks for listening.

What Kind of Mother am I?

This is the question I ask myself. What kind of mother am I?



Here is the back story to this is: Today is my father in-laws birthday. This morning Mya and I went to go see Tangled with our cousins Dave, Linnea and Kirsten. After Tangled Mya fell asleep. We went home for a minute to grab everything we needed to go to GG's (Eddie's Grandma Gloria, Mya calls her GG for Great-Grandma) and make enchiladas. Eddie sat in the car with Mya sleeping while I got what I needed. Right as we got to Gloria's Mya woke up.



Mya played and was fine until about 2:30 then she started acting up. Here is the problem. I don't know if this was just the terrible 2's or if this is the fact that according to Eddie I don't lay down the law with Mya. The first time she was talking back I put her in time out in the hallway and she did not stay put. So I took her in Jessie's room closed the door and she threw a loud 5 minute temper tantrum. We came out and she apologized.



Round two: This time with Eddie. He did the same thing. He took her in the room and she screamed and screamed. She finished came out and apologized to everyone.



So our afternoon went on. We left and all I thought was what do our family members think of my parenting. Mya is a brat!

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So now I ask is this terrible twos or do I need work. I often think I let her get away with so much more because I hate to think of all that she went through. Not that warrants bad behavior.

Mason Maxwell

Since starting Walk to Remember, Los Angeles I have met so many wonderful people. Many of them I know call my friends. Friends that understand me. One of those friends is Karen. Karen is Mason's Mommy. I have kind of started looking at Karen as a little sister. I can not even fathom what Mason, Karen and Luis went through.

Today is Mason's 1st birthday. Mason now dances with Sophia in the heavens. I was very blessed to have made time to take a long lunch today to go to Holy Cross to visit not only Mason but my grandmother.

I arrived at Holy Cross about 1 pm. I immediately went to find Mason. I called Tiffany to ask approximately where I would find him. She gave me great direction. When I got to Mason I told him:

"Happy 1st Birthday Mason. Your Mommy loves you so much. I am so lucky to know your Mommy now"

I also asked Mason to please look out for my Sweet Sophia.

I looked around at all the other children and it brought a tear to my eye to know just like I have said before every single one of those children have a story and how I would love to know all there stories.

I then went up to go get Mason some flowers. I also went to go find out where my grandmother was. When I finished I got a text from Karen that she had arrived.

When I got back to Mason, Karen was there taking pictures.

She looked so in place. It was where she belonged. She was so happy taken all these wonderful pictures to celebrate Mason's 1st Birthday. I felt so proud that she was in her element. For this moment she was at peace spending Mason's birthday with Mason.

As time went on more of her family and friends showed up. So I told her it was time for me to go back to work and first I was going to go find my grandmother.

I got back into the car and drove to section R. When I found R there was a

grounds keeper cleaning her section. This is the first time I have been to see her, that I remember. I asked him to please help me find her. We walked down a hill and there she was. They had just mowed the lawns and he was so nice to he even cleaned her marker with his hands. I sat there for a few moments and just took in my surroundings. I was only 3 when she passed away. But the few things I remember about my grandmother was that she was my "Nana Dumpling" and I was her "Little Dumpling" I remember she had very short (shorter than mine now) white hair.

When Mya was born my mom called Mya "Little Dumpling" and even now she still calls her that at times. It was a pleasure spending a few minutes with my Nana Dumpling, Mary Francis Gutierrez. I am sure I will visit her and Mason again.

Sometime in my visiting with my Nana Dumpling I got a text from Karen to come back that she had something for me. When I got back I Karen came to my car before I could get out. She thanked me for coming for Mason's birthday. I asked her how she was doing and she told me OK. I told her that I personally struggled with Sophia & Mya's 1st birthday more than the 1st anniversary. I told her I can not promise but I can tell her from experience that the 2nd year is easier than the first. Then while we were talking two eagles flew over us. Karen immediately told me it was Sophia and Mason.

So Happy Birthday Mason. You Mommy and Daddy love you as well as your entire family. It is such an honor to get to know your story and to know that your Mommy is doing everything she can to live you legacy and remember you every day of her life.