Saturday, March 5, 2011

How Does One Prepare?

This is always a very interesting week on my calendar. Tuesday is Eddie's birthday and Friday will be the three year anniversary of Sophia's death. A week that starts so joyous and ends on such a different note.

We typically don't do anything specific to remember Sophia. I usually remember and grieve in my own personal way. But this year I feel different. I want to do something different. I took the step this year of putting it on our family calendar March 11th "Remembering Sophia" with a picture of her name in sand. It is on the calendars that I made for us, my parents, Eddie's parents and Molly. I guess that is the first step. I also spent some time tonight working on this blog. Adding some sidebar stuff. There may be a blog make over in my future for Living A New Normal.

Recently, I have even been thinking that three years seems like so long ago. How or what do you do to remember/celebrate such an amazing little girl. Part of me does not feel comfortable making an event on Facebook but the other part of me feels like I should do something amazing like my wonderful friend Sheyenne did for her amazing daughter Whitney Jill's 1st birthday: or should I plan something special for Eddie, Mya and I? I just don't know. All I know is that this year I want to reflect with my family, not alone in my car listening to The Aggrolites holding my stomach, driving on the 10 freeway between Atlantic & Fremont thinking of her last kicks. Or thinking what life would be like with two 2 1/2 year olds.

I think because unlike many of my fellow babyloss mom's there is such a long time between the date of Sophia's death and her actual birth day I personally have treated March 11th as Sophia's day. The day my girls were born is such an day of mixed emotions looking back. Everyone was so consumed with Mya's safe arrival and not at all about Sophia or Sophia & Mya, twin A & twin B. I have so many personal regrets about that day and I know there is nothing I can do about it now. But on the other hand I am so blessed to have Mya.

So tomorrow will start the celebrations of Eddie's birthday. We will have dinner at Northwoods Inn, which is the same place we had dinner three years ago to celebrate Eddie's birthday. I remember what clothes I wore, we went as a family, Eddie, Eddie, Alice, Gabriel and I. We all went in my car, I drove. We will see how the rest of this week plays out.

Tonight I made dinner at home (for the first time in two weeks). Eddie and I were eating and talking about Tuesday and we decided to most likely have dinner in. I know Mya is very excited for her Daddy's birthday, because she knows birthday= cake.

The rest of the week will be untold.

1 comment:

  1. Cassie,

    I just felt like I should post a message, as I was here and I stop in to read your blog occasionally. I have to be honest, there are times it is hard for me to read the blog. While I never knew the sex of my baby, the loss is something I carry with me every day and I don't think I will ever let him go (I've always called the baby a him). I lost him the day before my birthday and I haven't celebrated it since, but I can't seem to let go of "his day". Seeing the grief and the struggle to accept your new normal, whatever that is, now that we have experienced different forms of loss gives me hope that I'm not alone. Some days are good, and some are really bad, but no matter what -- never alone. Keep writing hun. It really is cathartic.

    Teresa M. (from WW / FB)