Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The Pain In My Heart.

Last night I got this pain in my chest. It felt like contractions. It would come and go, come and go, come and go. At 10:00 pm last night I gave up. I called it a night. As soon as I got to my car I called Eddie and told him I needed to talk to him on my drive home. We talked the whole way home.

I calmly evaluated everything that had happened yesterday and decided we will see what happens. When I arrived home I went straight to bed. I did not go to sleep because I was still having the pain in my heart.

Finally about 12:30 I fell asleep. I woke up around 5:45, I could not sleep anymore. Now tonight I pay the price. I am very tired. As I sit at work typing and staring at the picture of Sophia and Mya's Mickey Mouse Ears, I wonder what the next two days will bring me. How will Friday be. I know I will not be able to attend the OC Face2Face group because there is talk of working late on Friday, which also means that anything I might try and plan for this weekend for Sophia will not happen as there is also talk of working on Sunday too.

I think I have just decided that I can plan to reflect privately and keep to myself Friday. I can't do much more. I feel horrible for that statement. I know what I do on my own will be fine. I was thinking of maybe going to the park across the street from Risher and releasing a balloon for Sophia. I have never in all my time being a BLM released a balloon for Sophia.

I still struggle with the thought that three years seems like an eternity in Sophia years but so little of time in Mya years.

Recently I was day dreaming what life would be like with a complete set of twins. I don't know how I got started in this particular day dream but I was thinking that most likely if Sophia was here with us she would be getting her "younger" sister's hand me downs and how I would really be getting good use out of Mya's clothes. I don't know why the most superficial, unimportant things make me think of Sophia. All I was doing was going through Mya's clothes getting rid of her 24 months PJ's and clothes as I think 13 months of size 24 month is a good run. Mya's favorite pink "dance shoes" are now too small and I was thinking that Sophia would love them.

I think, no matter what Sophia's situation would be if she were alive she would be so beautiful and so very, VERY different than her sister. They would be quite the opposite. But I know Mya would love her sister more than anything in this world. What I would give to have the chance to see them interact as sisters, twins, inseparables. Everyone would love Sophia the way they love Mya. Only in a perfect world.

What I would give for March 11th to be just another day in my pregnancy journal with some cute Ultrasound pictures of A&B. But unfortunately it is not that day. It is the day I will classify as one of the worse three days in my life.

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