Babycenter

Today I joined Babycenter. I think it will be good to find other moms of children Mya's age as well as maybe connect with other mothers that have lost a child. I don't know that I will find anyone that has lost a twin that I can connect to but we will see.

Our First Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving holds a special place in my heart. I don't know why in the past but this year I am thankful to have Mya. Last year the day before Thanksgiving is when we found out we were expecting so we were very thankful.

Like I said I love Thanksgiving. I having all my family around.Today Mya met her Uncle Josh.

Now I love that I have Mya. But there is always going to be someone missing now. I am still working on getting past family events not feeling pity for myself. I keep telling myself it takes time but that may just be my new excuse.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

Is This An Anniversary?

One year ago today Eddie and I found out we were expecting. I remember it like it was yesterday. I could not sleep. I woke up at 5am and the night before we said I would test in the morning. So I figured why not. I went into the bathroom took the test and finished my business. When I looked back at the test there it was "Pregnant"

I woke Eddie up to show him. We just sat on our bed a hugged each other. I don't even think we said much. I fell back asleep and got back up at 7am. I had physical therapy at 7:30 and an appointment to get my flu shot at 8:45.

At my appointment I told our doctor I think I am pregnant. So we did another test to confirm. He told me it is a very faint line, but a line is a line.

Knowing that every pregnancy memory I have should have been documented I wish I would have been one of those people to take a picture of the test. I am not sure if I should happy or sad or even anything today. I know that one year ago today was one of the top 10 moments in my life. So I think I will leave it at that.

Mya's Baptism

Today was Mya's baptism. We were blessed to have our family there with us. Mya has had a cold for over 2 weeks now and she seemed to have a good day. We started out the morning

wondering how much of family would be able to join us with the whole circle of fires around us. My parents had to go another route as the 14 freeway was closed and parts of the 210 freeway were closed as well.

We got a call that some of the Serrano's would not be able to come as Aunt Vivi and Uncle Pete's house might be evacuated.

Once Molly got here we dressed Mya in her dress. I ended up cutting up a onesie for under her dress she she would have some protection.

When we got to the church I had asked the priest if he could please say a prayer for Sophia and he said he would and ended up forgetting.

It was a nice ceremony and Mya was good. She ate and fell asleep halfway through. She was upset when we woke her to actually be baptized. But she got over it.

Sophia was in my thoughts today. I wished they were both baptized. I wanted to have Sophia baptized at the hospital but since we did not get to see her that did not happen. I really wonder why they did not let us see her.

It Is Finally Here.

I got home from work tonight and checked the mail. Mya's new birth certificate is here.

I am still very upset with the way it looks. It is all stamped up and it says the wrong thing on the top page. Then you turn it over and it tells you what the corrections are. I hate that it is like this and I am still very upset at who ever messed up at Huntington. How could they do this to anyone?

Well all I know is there is nothing I can do about it now. Maybe one day I will find the right person in Sacramento to make sure this does not happen to anyone else. Or even the right person to get me a new certificate rather than an amendment.

Going Back To Work.

The time has come and I went back to work today. When I left the house I was OK. I took Mya over to Alice's and I felt OK.

When I got to work that was a different story. I walked into our office and there was a huge sign over my desk "Welcome Back Cassie" I lost it right there. It is a good thing I was the only one in the office.

I continued about my day and Alice would send me pictures and updates of Mya all day. That made my day. I left work at 5:30 and I can tell you I did not miss traffic one bit. When I got home I was so happy to see my baby. I don't know if she was happy to see me but I was happy to see her.

So for now we will work on a new routine. Tomorrow Alice will keep Mya again and on Wednesday she will go to the babysitters.

I Finally Found Someone To Help Me!!!!!!

After making I don't know how many phone calls I finally got through to someone. How I can not thank Mrs. Debbie Balsey enough. I don't know what number I pressed today but I got through. She answered and I knew it was not the place. I calmly explained to her my situation. I told her I have been trying for a month to get through to someone that can help me. I told her our story and that I have Sophia's death certificate that states she is 1st of twins and that Mya's birth certificate says she is a singleton. Debbie was almost in tears, then I was almost in tears.

She told me she is very sorry for our loss and that she is also very sorry it was not correct the first time. She said she would be sending me paperwork in the mail for the amendment and that I would need to send a check for $14. She said she will send me a postage paid envelope that is addressed directly to her and that we will get this taken care of.

I feel better but I hope she really is going to help us.

A Night To Remember

A few weeks ago I got in the mail a post card from Huntington Hospital. They were having a ceremony for all the children that passed away there.

Tonight, Eddie, Mya and I attended "A Night To Remember" It was a quick yet beautiful ceremony, the Chaplain read a story and they read all of the names of the children that have passed. It was a beautiful evening. The weather was nice and it was wonderful night to reflect on Sophia.

Tonight while Eddie was walking around holding Mya all I could think was that I hope one day I have to courage to tell Mya about Sophia. I know I will have to but when will be the right time? Here is a picture of Mya being such a good little girl while the Chaplain was reading.

Now What?

Today Mya and I went to pick up her birth certificate. Yesterday we went to order it and today it was ready. Simple right? WRONG!

Mya's birth certificate states that she is a SINGLETON. When they handed it to me I don't know why my eyes happened to go straight to box 3A, but they did.

So I went right back to the clerk and I told her my daughter certificate is wrong. She told me there is nothing she can do about it. I asked her how do I get it corrected? She told me "You have to take that up with the state"

I rushed home and called Norwalk, thinking the county clerks office can help me. They told me they can not because there are certain cities in LA County that have their own clerks so all I can do it take it up with the state. He gave me the phone number and for the last two hours I have been hitting redial like it is no ones business. It has been busy.

How could this happen. Sophia's Death Certificate says she is 1st of Twins, why did Mya's birth certificate say she is a singleton? Who did this? Why was someone so careless to not pay attention?

My Due Date.

Today is my due date. Not that I would have been giving birthday to two healthy children today but this was the day we thought 40 weeks ago was our goal. Our goal to starting our amazing family.

Where are we at today. Mya is 1 month, 3 days old. She is now 6 whole pounds. She is the love of my life and my will for life at this moment. Sleep, what is that?

Mya is still wearing preemie everything for the exception of diapers. She is now in newborn diapers. This little girl has brought some light to my life. I spent 5 months in a funk, a funk of not knowing what my future held and now I know. Mya is my future.

Everyday I think of Sophia. Every night I kiss her goodnight. Eddie gives Mya a bath and I get Mya's PJ's ready. When I go into her bottom drawer of her dresser, there is Sophia. I tell her I love her and I give her a kiss. I don't know if this is the best place for her but it works for me.

Sophia Is Home.

I am now allowed to drive. Friday evening we got a call that we could pick up Sophia on Monday. It was such a nice thing to hear that Sophia was going to be coming home with us.

Eddie went back to work today and when we got the call on Friday he told me we should wait until next weekend to go get her. I told him no, I want her home.

So I packed up Mya and we were off the Risher's. I pulled in, parked and put Mya in the Baby Bjourn. I took a big breath and walked in. As soon as I walked up to the desk I lost it. All I could do is cry and rub Mya's tiny back. The woman behind the desk gave me a tissue and was rubbing my other hand. I told her I was here to pick up my daughter. She told me she was sorry for my loss. Then she told my how beautiful Mya is. She walked to a book shelf and grabbed Sophia.

She put Sophia down in front of me and asked if I was OK. I told her I will be, one day. She said let me walk you to your car. So we walk, we walked very slow. I strapped Mya into her car seat and the woman gave me a big hug and said again she was sorry for my loss.

I needed to get out of there. I put Sophia in the passenger seat, bucked up and drove to the first place I could think of......Margaret's house.

When I pulled up she saw I was crying and I think she knew why. So we unbuckled Mya and Margaret took her. We went inside. Mya and I visited for sometime. I feel that we have a special bond. She lost Wilbur right before we found out Sophia was ill. Though my loss of Sophia is very minor she understand.

Now we are all home safe and sound. I don't know where I should put Sophia. Right now she is sitting up on our shelf in the livingroom.

This Is Not A Family Outing.

Today we went to the mourtuary. Yesterday while at the doctor with Mya we found out the "great state of California" decided to change the format in which death certificates are done. I had our portion of Sophia's done mid May. So need less to say it is no good.

We packed Mya up and drove to Montebello to Risher. We met with one of the owners. In May we met with her brother and he told me everything would be taken care of and now they basically have no clue who we are. I don't need this right now.

We filled out the new application for the death certificate and paid to have Sophia cremated. Which was a whole different price then we were told at first.

I just wanted to get me and my 9 day old child out of there ASAP. That is what my focus was. After we left we went and Mya went to her first restaurant. We went to Chili's because it was not busy and that was perfect for us.

Mya, I can't not believe you are such a good little baby and put up with all the nonsense that you did today. Mommy loves you are we are now one step closer to getting Sophia home with us.

What The Hell Is Wrong With People.

Maybe I am really hormonal right now. I really don't know. We took Mya to her pediatricians for her first actual scheduled appointment.

Mya is one week old today and weighs 5 lbs 2 oz. She has finally gained an ounce and half. We are getting some where now.

So the point of all of this. At the doctors today we saw Mya's doctor. She said she wanted us to stay and meet with the lactation specialist since it does not seem like my milk has come in. So we met with her. At the very moment she came in the Social Worker called to get information from us about Sophia. Eddie excused himself. I told her I was sorry we are trying to take care of arrangements for Mya's twin sister that passed away. The woman proceeds to tell me "You have to breastfeed, if not for Mya for her twin sister"

I had no idea what to say. I felt like saying who the hell are you? But I didn't and Eddie came back in the room. I could not focus anymore. I half listened to what she told me.

I plan on breastfeeding. However I also understand that for the last week Mya has been getting formula after every feeding session. My cousin told me to stick it out for a month and then go from there. That is what the plan is for now.

I get very discouraged because even when I pump I don't even get a teaspoon. I feel like there is something wrong with me. Shouldn't my milk have come in now? I understand that Mya is a preemie maybe my body is trying to adjust.

On a lighter note after Mya's appointment we went to the mall to try and find Mya some clothes that actually fit. See I kept telling people Mya will not need preemie clothes because they will not take her until she is over 6 lbs. I was certain of that. My Aunt Vivian sent a Preemie set and a preemie gown, thankfully we had them because it was the only things that fit her. So today we went to the one place I said I would not shop for Mya........Gymboree. Mya got 5 little outfits. This weekend we are planning on going to the beach so Mya can get some sun and we will stop by Carter's on the way home so see if we can find anything else to fit her. For now I am doing non stop laundry.

The Biggest Day of My Life......

This is going to be a long one. Well, Mya Quinn Beserra is here safe and sound.

They both arrived on Monday night at 8:16pm. Our C-Section was scheduled on Wednesday, July 2nd at 10:00am. I think Mya decided she wanted to be sure to be home for 4th of July.

The story goes............... On Sunday we celebrated Alice's 50th birthday with brunch with 47 family members. It was a wonderful time. I think everyone had a good time. I don't think I have every seen Alice cry before, as she is one of the strongest women I know. She was so overwhelmed at the end of brunch she cried as she hugged everyone good bye. Eddie and I left knowing that the next time we see our family we will have our very own family.

When we got home I started to get a really bad headache that not even Tylenol would take care of. I woke up Monday morning with the same headache. I got up took a shower and put my bedding into the wash as that was one of the last things on my list to do before Wednesday and went to do my NST testing.

When I got there the nurse said I did not look good and hooked me up to the monitor for the test. Turns out I was having contraction 3-4 minutes apart and I was not feeling all of them due to the headache. So the nurse said they were admitting me to the Labor and Delivery to be monitored some more. So then at about 1:00pm they called the doctor and she told them to schedule my C-Section for 8:00pm. The nurse came and told me and I called Eddie. I told him "I hope you are ready to have a babies today".

So Eddie came. By 6:00 my parents were there and everything was a go. At 7:45pm they started preparing me for the surgery. They gave Eddie a pair of scrubs and he was ready. They took me to give me the Spinal and Eddie waited in the hall for the go ahead to come in. He told me a few days ago that he went the threw up before he came into the room. One of his co-workers told him don't eat before and now he knows why.

My doctor and my specialist came in and the show was on the road. The took Sophia and did not say anything, but the anesthesiologist said "twin A is out." Then almost immediately following Sophia it was Mya's turn. They took her out she gave off one little whimper and then they cleaned her passages and within 5 minutes she was crying. They cleaned her up and watched her for a few minutes then they had Eddie cut the cord. Eddie was not prepared for this, he says the "tricked" him. They told him to come near her and then they just had him do it. Finally they weighed her and showed her to me.

As I laid there I so wished I would hear some sort of miracle come out of some one's, any one's mouth. But nothing. My doctor and I spoke about Sophia before hand and we decided they would not tell me when they took her so that I did not freak out and my heart rate did not jump causing any problems. But I still deep down wish someone said there she is alive. They finally they weighed Mya and showed her to me.

At that very moment I knew somehow things were going to be OK. I also came to terms with our life had in store for us. There was my smaller then expected but perfect "Twin B" She has been my rock for the last 14 1/2 weeks. Yet I have never met her and I was in love. I knew she was going to keep my sanity.

Eddie went with Mya to show her to our family real quick then she went to the NICU for monitoring. They sewed me up and the rude anesthesiologist told me I did a good job. Not that makes any of this better. They wheeled me to recovery. Eddie came to be with me. He told me that everything was fine. Our little girl looked great. Within 15 minutes I was throwing up. I asked the anesthesiologist to give me something to prevent this and it still happened. One by one our family came to see me.

They kept me in recovery for about an hour and half due to my throwing up and then they took me to my room.

When we got settled Eddie went and got something to eat and took a shower. They finally brought Mya to us at 1:30 am. I finally got to hold her. I was so happy to see her when I tried pulling myself up in bed I threw up again. The hospital room was nice, there was a cot for Eddie to sleep on and we had our own shower. However after spending three days there it gets to you to say the least. We got to go home on Thursday afternoon.

The hospital gave us a little box to remember Sophia by. I told them before surgery I wanted to see her. They said OK. Then Tuesday I asked the Chaplin if I could see her and she told me she would see what they can do and a nurse came in and said no we can't see her. I don't know how I feel about this. Maybe it was for the best. Maybe she was so beat up they did not want to scare me. I don't know. But this really changed everything I wanted done.

While in the hospital Mya's jaundice levels got a little high, but not high enough to have to do anything major. We are really keeping a close eye on her now.

As much as I prepared to have a moment with BOTH of my girls it did not happen. I don't know why and I know I asked, that was all I could do. But I thought that was the whole point in making a birth plan. I have to say everything changed the second I got to hold Mya. I feel like I was the last one to touch her. And when I did get to hold her I did not want to let go of her. I worked so very hard to get her here safely. Now she is and though I don't have them both to hold I feel empty. But on the other hand I feel like I have not time to finish mourning Sophia. 20 weeks ago Mya was Eddie's priority and I was so concerned about Sophia. NOW the world revolves around Mya.

I will take my time to grieve Sophia, I have earned that right. Though I really feel that now is not the time. I know I will get to it.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

35w0d: To start the C-Section is scheduled for Wednesday, July 2nd at 10 AM.

I went for my NST yesterday morning and contractions are now 8 minutes apart, but I am only feeling half of them. If I start feeling more of them then it is back to the hospital.

Today is my last day that I will actually have nothing to do. Tomorrow morning I see Dr. Prema, Thursday I go for testing, Friday I see Dr. Shah, Monday I go for testing, Tuesday I go for Pre-Op and Wednesday is Sophia & Mya's birthday and probably what will prove to be the hardest day of my life. But I am so looking forward to meeting Sophia and telling her face to face I love her and I will miss her. I don't know if this will be the closure I have been seeking since her passing but I need this. I need to hold both of them. I know Sophia will not be in good shape but I still need to hold her.

Alice's birthday is Friday. She will be 50. We will go to dinner on Friday and we are having a big family brunch on Sunday. That will be nice, our last real outing before the girls arrival. (I love to refer to them as "The Girls")

I feel as if we are as ready as can be. I keep going through my bag to be sure I have everything I could possibly need. I guess in this case it is better to over pack rather then under pack as I will be admitted to the hospital until at least Saturday, possibly Sunday. Eddie will be able to stay at the hospital with me so the plan is that he will stay every night with us and then go to work for there. He starts his vacation on Saturday. I would rather him be home with us then just sitting at the hospital. So that is all for now.

Thursday, June 17, 2008

34w0d: So there has been some changes to my real due date. I actual due date is July 29th. Mya will be delivered sometime between now and July 2nd.

I am currently having contractions that are about 10 minutes apart. If I don't start labor then we will go in for a "scheduled" C-Section on July 2nd. Mya will be our little firecracker baby. She will get to wear the outfit that Aunt Cathy got her. I will have to pack it in her bag.

So here is the plan for the next two weeks if I can make it that long: I will continue to go for my NST testing on Monday's and Thursday's. Next week I will go see Dr. Prema again for my last scheduled appointment. On June 30th I will go back to Dr. Shah for one more appointment to measure everything and if all looks good and Mya is six pounds or more then we will have the C-Section sometime on July 2nd between 7:30am and Noon. I will know the exact time next Wednesday. So that is that for now. I am happy that at least I know that Mya will be evicted no later then July 2nd but it could be anytime. I am not happy Sophia will join her in the eviction.


It is so hard to be happy that Mya will be here soon when I know Sophia won't. How do I juggle all of this. On one hand I am happy we made it this far yet I know when this journey is done we only have one of our twins with us. Yes Sophia will be cremated and she will be home with us until I am ready to give her a final resting place. But it won't be the way it should be. We should be installing TWO car seats. We should have a double stroller. Our house she be invaded by Sophia AND Mya.

I am still struggling with this. I don't know how to manage these feelings. What do I do? What can I do? What's done is done. We will say our good byes to Sophia as we say our hellos to Mya. How I wish I got to feel her kicks again. What I would do to care for Sophia, even with her special needs. I would do it in a minute, no questions asked.

I will keep this posted if anything changes.

Friday, June 13, 2008

33w0d: What an eventful week!

For starters I can not even begin to express our gratitude to everyone. It has been a bit overwhelming to say the least. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

Sunday Eddie and I went to the hospital for a tour of the NICU. I think for me it was a bit much to take in. At that time they were taking care of 32 babies. I did not even know that the NICU could hold that many babies.

Monday I went back to the hospital for NST testing. Everything went well. Mya was on her best behavior. The nurse was happy about that. Tuesday I think it all caught up with me. All the going and going from the previous 5 days. I spent my birthday in bed. I needed it.Wednesday I saw Dr. Prema. Everything looks good. Mya is healthy.

I just have one more week of bed rest and then I can start walking to try to get labor going on its own. The only issue Dr. Prema had was from my first NST test to my test on Monday my fluid dropped 5 from 17 to 12. So we have to watch that. We just need Mya to make it to 34 weeks. If Mya hangs on one more week then most likely Mya will be able to come home with us with no NICU stay.

My next appointment with Dr. Prema is Wednesday, June 25th. On Wednesday Eddie and I also did our Labor and Delivery tour so now we know what to expect when the time comes. Thursday I went for another NST test and Mya was very active. The nurse had to hold the heart rate monitor the whole time since Mya was moving so much.Tomorrow I have one last set of blood work. Other then that we are planning on taking it easy this weekend.

Here is to one last week of bed rest. And more time with BOTH of my girls together as twins.

Throwing A Pitty Birthday Party for Myself.

Today is my 28th birthday and I am going to not have a good day. I have decided and there is no one to change my mind.

Since I started bed rest on April 6th I have spent 65 days in bed and for the first of those days I am happy to be in bed. I want to be here, I want to curl up in a ball and that is that.

More than ever I want BOTH of my babies safe and alive. I don't need to celebrate myself but I would have liked to have a day to think what next year would be like with my twin girls. Next year who knows where they would have been or what they would have been doing. Perhaps learning to walk. I can only lay here and imagine all the what ifs of my life.

Not that all of this daydreaming gets me anywhere. I am not sure if this is a dream or a nightmare. I know everything that we have been through when it all comes down to it is for Mya.

It seems to be daily that I think what if this is one huge mistake. What is Sophia is still alive. For goodness sake, Eddie's cousins are twins and they only knew about one of them until they were born. I really would not mind if one of them was a boy if that means I get BOTH of them. I would not mind if I had to run to Target or BRU and purchase an extra car seat. I would not mind if I had to go purchase little boy clothes. Because my brother in-law was a boy and they told Alice Gabriel was a girl. My point is this clearly would not be the first time the medical community was wrong right? Why can't I be one of those miracle stories?

That is my birthday wish!

Friday, June 6, 2008

32w0d: Well we, Eddie, Mya and I "graduated" from Dr. Shah's office.

Today was our last appointment with him unless there is some emergency that Dr. Prema needs Mya measured. Everything went well with the appointment. Mya is now 4 lbs 6 oz. She is measuring 2 days larger then my due date so everything is good. The only thing we are waiting on is her lungs to be developed enough for her to avoid any pro-longed stay in the NICU. I started my NST testing on Monday. It is just an hour each time they check the fluid and monitor Mya's heart rate and my contractions. I am still having very small ones but the are nothing to be too worried about.

Monday Mya was perfect she was active but not too active. Thursday was a different story. She was way to busy to be sitting still. Today at Dr. Shah's she was way too busy so he could not get all the measurements he wanted. But none the less she is healthy. The coming week seems to be very busy.

Tomorrow is my shower. It will be nice to see everyone.

Sunday we have our tour with the NICU just to be on the safe side. Monday I have NST testing. Wednesday I see Dr. Prema. Thursday I have more NST testing. I will report on Friday.

Friday, May 30, 2008

31w0d: My doctors appointment was changed to yesterday. So I went to see Dr. Prema. Mya looks good, she is still very active. Sophia is still on my cervix. Dr. Prema has decided to start me on Terbutaline to help stop or slow pre-term labor. I will also start going to the hospital twice a week for Non Stress Testing on Monday's and Thursday's.

Dr. Prema said that Mya looks like she is over 4 pounds so that is a good thing. She said by her best guess Mya will be here by the end of June. So basically anytime in the next month. The pack it on diet has proved to be well for Mya. Not for me.

Next Friday I am scheduled to see Dr. Shah. For the next two weeks I will be at the doctors three days each week.

Here is to another good week.

Friday, May 23, 2008

30w0d: We had an OK week.

I went to my appointment on Tuesday and Dr. Prema discovered that Sophia resting right on top of my cervix. That is what Dr. Tabash warned us about. So our new plan of attack if that stay on bed rest and get Mya to 5-6 pounds. I go back to see Dr. Prema next Friday and we will check and see if Sophia is still where we don't want her to be, if she is then we will evaluate the situation.

Given the situation Eddie and I finalized our plans for Sophia. We had planned on going to the mortuary last night to get all the paperwork done and due to the weather that did not happen.

The owner came to the house today and I signed everything that needed to be done ahead of time. So that is a huge thing that we had to get done. I am happy that this big step is done. I am not happy that we had to make such plans. Yet again this is another reminder of the fact that Sophia will really be gone soon. Though I don't feel her kicks she is still there. I find myself many a times a day resting both hands in the places that BOTH of my girls are. Sophia was/is so low and Mya is so high but yet I still feel like rubbing my lower bell over Sophia is a way to bond with her.

The owner of the mortuary gave us several cards. He said to have our doctor put one in our file so they know we have given them permission to take Sophia. He also said to have Eddie give one to the nurse at the hospital. I told him that my main focus at the hospital is going to be for peace. I just need things to be peaceful. I want to leave the hospital knowing that my Sophia is taken care of. I will not have the joy of leaving with two babies and as I know there is a possibility I will leave the hospital with no babies I would have much rather them BOTH be safe in the NICU but I won't get that either.

So that was our week. Here is hoping for another great week contraction free.

Friday, May 16, 2008

29w0d: Not as good of a week as we all were wanting.

Monday afternoon I got a call that I failed my 1 hour diabetes test and had to do the three hour test Tuesday morning. So I did. I pasted that with flying colors. Saw Dr. Prema yesterday. She said that most multiple pregnancies fail the one hour test. She also said that I am to start seeing her every two weeks. I told her about the pressure I was having and she said it is most likely from my uterus being enlarged from multiples.

Last night I was cleaning out my closet (I assume nesting) and when I went to the restroom I was spotting. We just let it be and when I got up in the middle of the night nothing. But when I got up at 9 this morning more spotting. I called the doctors office and she sent me to the hospital.

So Alice and I spent the day at Huntington. I am back on complete bed rest. They think that possibly Sophia is being rejected from my body. This is not something we talked about. This is not something that anyone prepared me for. They all told me she would be fine, she would stay put and we would deliver them together. They would share a birthday. I have been all about having peace when they are born. I just don't know what to think about all of this new news.

Depending on what happens this weekend and when I go back to see Dr. Prema on Tuesday if they will give me something to stop the minor contractions I am having and or Steroids for Mya to get her ready for an earlier then planned delivery if necessary.

Mother's Day

Today was Mother's Day. We had dinner with our family. I relaxed as that is what I do these days. I reflected on both of my girls. How I am missing all of Sophia's movements and how active Mya has become.

I still very much want to see Sophia. I feel like I need to say good bye to her. She needs to have that time with her Mommy and Daddy. I feel I need to have that one moment in time that I hold both of my twin girls.

This game of pregnancy is no fun. I am so happy we have made it this far, yet I feel I have a hole in my heart now. I feel guilty for thinking this way. People are always telling me that I will be so blessed to have Mya. I know that but yet I feel like God felt I was not good enough to take care of two. Perhaps I am just not worthy. That bothers me so much.

We have worked so hard to get to this point and I feel like if I have let Sophia down how will I let Mya down.

So though Mother's Day was nice with my family, Mothers Day was not nice to me.

Friday, May 9, 2008

28w0d: Third Trimester!!!!!

This is great news. We are almost out of the danger zone for Mya. I had an appointment with Dr. Shah today. It went well. Mya is 3 lbs 1 oz. At today's appointment Mya insisted that she keep her foot near her face to obstruct all of the pictures we got today.

The past couple weeks have been good physically. I have only had minor Braxton Hicks contractions but other then that no real problems. I went last Saturday to re-do my Gestational Diabetes test since the tech did not get enough blood the first time and I did my toxin check. So far so good. I get the toxin test read next Friday. So that is all to report this week.

Mentally is a different story. I feel like I have let Mya down. She is not all I think about all day. I think of Sophia more often. I think how we are nearing the end of having her safe inside of me.
I also think of what Mya has been trough. How she is just sitting there next to her sister's lifeless body. I fear that will be traumatizing for her. I also think of how will I as a mother handle life as a mother of "a surviving twin" and not a mother of "twins" how will I tell Mya one day that she is technically a "little sister". When will be the right time to start talking about Sophia. Will Sophia be a part of our everyday life? There is so much I think about these days.

I am sorry to go on like that. I don't mean to be so morbid but these are the things I think about while on bed rest. It is my life for now.

On a lighter note. Tomorrow Alice & I will be attending Kirsten's first birthday.

Here is to one more week of remaining pregnant.

Friday, April 25, 2008

26w0d: For the exception of more contractions on Sunday night and being totally exhausted on Monday and Tuesday the week went well.

I had a doctors appointment this morning and I had my Gestational Diabetes test after that. Dr. Prema said I look very rested and she was happy with that. Mya's heartbeat was 151 bpm. She said everyday that Mya is not born is a million dollars to us. She said that most likely if I make it that far that she will plan the C-Section somewhere between 34 and 36 weeks. So that is the end of June, the beginning of July.

Not that I get to be picky about this but, we have enough birthdays in June so I am shooting for July. Plus it is crazy to think that Eddie and I will be parents in 8-10 weeks.

I am very excited for pregnancy to be over on one hand but when my pregnancy is over that means I loose Sophia for ever. I am not ready to say good bye yet. I have been struggling with this aspect of this whole thing since March 11th. I need to say good bye to her. I need to hold her. I need to kiss her one the top of her head.

I have more blood work to do next week to check for Toxin levels given off from Sophia. In two weeks we go see Dr. Shah again then the week after back to Prema. So that is that for now. Lets hope to make it through another week. Every week I write feels like I am closing another chapter. It is a good thing.

Friday, April 18, 2008

25w0d: To start we have a middle name. Mya Quinn Beserra! What do you think?

So Tuesday I had some contractions for about an hour and half. We went and had them monitored and everything seems to be fine. Dr. Prema says they seemed to be Braxton Hicks Contractions. They did a test and said I should not go into labor within the next two weeks. So that is good.

I followed up with Dr. Prema on Wednesday she said I still need to rest but I can be out of bed. That was great news.

Tonight we saw Dr. Tabsh at UCLA/Santa Monica last time we saw him we waited 3 hours to see him. This time we were there appointment and all for one hour. That was nice. We got an Ultrasound picture tonight and it looks like she is giving us a thumbs up.

This week Mya seems to be moving more and more. She had me up for a half hour this morning around 4am. So that is this week. Our next appointment is next Friday with Dr. Prema where I will take my glucose test.

Since being put on bed rest I got a call from the EDD for my SDI interview. The woman was talking to me and asked if I minded if she asked me something. I told her no. She proceeded to ask me if I was still carrying both my children. I told her yes. She said that was so weird she never heard a case like mine.

So I guess now it starts. Now I feel like a circus freak. As it is I have a hard time seeing people like a the grocery store who know I am pregnant with twins ask me about them. What do I say to not bring the room down? I did not sign up for this. As a matter of fact I would much rather be feeling two babies kick me not just one kick my ribs all the time.

Friday, April 11, 2008

24w0d: Well this has been an interesting two weeks to say the least. I have been put on bed rest. I am allowed out of bed for four hours every other day. The one fear Dr. Tabsh warned us of has happened. Sophia has laid to rest right on top of my cervix. There is a .5% chance when you loose a twin you loose twin "A" and when you do this is the number one complication. So now we deal with this.

Our goal is just to keep Mya growing for as long as possible. So that is what I do now. We had our monthly appointment as scheduled with Doctor Shah today. We checked Mya, she as always is a very active baby. She now weights 1 lb 6 oz. She is measuring 1w1d larger then her due date. I am scheduled to go back to Doctor Shah on May 9th. So that is that for now.

Since I have been on bed rest I have now taken up scapbooking. That has taken a ton of my time up. I have everything near the bed so I can get to it. So that is that. This is not the funnest time right now being stuck in bed but I am doing it for Mya.

Post again next week as week have an appointment scheduled at UCLA/Santa Monica.

Friday, March 21, 2008

21w0d: Another week. Saw Dr. Prema today. I have to do two more blood test tomorrow and have to continue every six weeks. Mya is very active these days. We have another appointment with Dr. Prema on Friday.

Busy weekend ahead. Going to have lunch with Linnea, Dave and Kirsten tomorrow. Linnea has some goodies for us. Easter is Sunday and my mom, my sister and Eddie's grandma are coming for an early dinner. Happy Easter everyone!

Work is busy. Still a great way to keep my eye on the prize.

Friday, March 14, 2008

20w0d: Well this is the half way mark of a normal pregnancy.

We made it.

I am hopeful that the second half will be emotionally better then the first. Not that is even possible right now.

We have names picked out, just need to figure out spellings. "A" will be Sophia Rene and "B" will be Maya, Mya or Myah, no middle name yet.

This has been one bad week. I am working past moving on with the loss of Sophia. I know it will take time, I don't think it is half as bad since we knew what was coming. Everyone had a hopeful thought for Sophia, but it was in God's plan. We want to thank everyone for their well wishes and prayers.

Maya, Mya or Myah seems to be moving quite a bit in the evening between 4 and 10 she still likes to sit in one place on my right side that is not very comfortable for me, Eddie says that his daughter is just like her father.....Loves to drive me crazy! I seem to be sleeping better these days. That is nice. Work is busy, I like that at the current moment to keep my mind off of things. Work seems to be the biggest help. There is no time to sulk. Which is good for me.

On the other hand I can not wait for tax time to be over so I can go back to aqua fit.

So that is that for the week.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008, A Day I Never Wanted.

19w5d: Eddie and I had our monthly appointment today with Dr. Shah. We found out we have lost our Baby "A" who Eddie and I have named Sophia. I am very sure she passed away today.

This morning I had an amazing morning with BOTH of my girls. As I drove to work BOTH of them were moving away to the music. I was listening to the Aggrolites. I kept switching what hand I had on the wheel so I could feel both of them kicking my hand. Though I am not in a good frame of mind right now I am very happy that my last moment with BOTH of my girls alive was this moment and I was in the moment.

Today was going to be special Alice wanted to come see our girls. We arranged our appointment so Eddie and her would be there with me. Paul even asked me if "Little Flipper" was still with us. I was certain she was with the morning we had. I told him I was very certain she was.

We waited a little longer today to see the doctor. We got in there and Dr. Shah asked us how things were. I told him good, we just had movement this morning. He hooked me up and went straight for Sophia. The first words out of his mouth were "I'm sorry there is no heartbeat on twin A." I turned my head away from the screen and clutched Eddie's hand. I could not look at all. He then moved to twin "B" and very quickly told me she was OK.

They gave us a refund of $76 since we were now only being seen for 1 baby. We left the office. As we walked to the parking structure I got a text from Bree asking how things were. I just responded "we lost A"

I would give $76 a million times to have her back.

This is not the outcome I hoped, wished or even dreamed of but it is the hand that was dealt to me and I have no choice to take it.

Happy Birthday Eddie

Today is Eddie's birthday. It was about a year ago Eddie told me he was ready to start a family. I thought it was because his dad told him on his 30th birthday that when he was his age Eddie was already 10.

Now look where we are. I am 19 weeks pregnant with two amazing little girls. One that is fighting for her life and hew twin sister that I am sure is her biggest supporter. What these two girls have gone through together in the last 19 weeks is nothing but amazing to me, their Mommy.

Now I am done with my sobbing moment of this. For Eddie's birthday we went to Northwoods Inn. We all went. I felt pregnant for the first time. Both of my girls were moving up a storm. It was just an amazing time with family. I enjoyed a nice steak. I enjoyed our early dinner.

Eddie you have been my rock the last two months. Thank you, I love you and I can not wait to see what the future hold for our family.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

18w2d: I am two days late to post, but I have been very sick. This cold sucks. I feel like I am getting better then BOOM I feel horrible again. I went to see Dr. Prema one Friday. Baby "A" is still fighting, she is still alive. We also talked about the fact that it is "Most Probable" that I will have to have a C-Section due to the Cystic Hygroma on Baby "A". So we will prepare for that. She also said we should look into birthing classes and a tour of the hospital in May-ish, so we will.

Alice and I were talking yesterday and she told me that 3 doctors have told us she would not be with us much longer. That was nearly 7 weeks ago. Maybe my miracle will happen. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one that is praying for my miracle. That parenting instinct kicked in the second I found out I was pregnant. I would give my own life for my girls.

Really not much to report, just sick.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

17w1d: Well Thursday I did not sleep at all. I never seem to sleep the night before our appointments. Eddie came home Thursday night so sick. He took some meds and went straight to bed. I went to work yesterday in the morning and left around noon.

Since Eddie is sick my mom came down just in case he got too sick to drive home since Dr. Tabsh's office told us to be prepared to be there 3 1/2 to 5 hours. So we went and had an early dinner at "The Shack" got to see Uncle Bob, that was nice. Then we went to the Santa Monica mall only to find out it was closed for remodeling. We walked around Macy's for a bit to waste some time, my mom and I browsed all the baby clothes, that is always fun. Then is was time for us to go to UCLA/Santa Monica.

We got there at 6:15 and it took us 15 minutes to find out where we were going. We found it and took a seat. We finally were seen at 9:15.

Eddie and I believe it was well worth that wait. So Eddie, my mom and I went in, waited for another 15 minutes while the doctor finished working on some other charts. Then we did the Ultrasound. Dr. Tabsh did about a 15 minute ultrasound. He then kept going back to the same place and then he marked the center of my lower belly with a red X. He told me to get up and go to the bathroom and then we will talk.

So as I walked to the bathroom I began to cry. I figured he was going to proceed with the reduction since he had the X on me. I really REALLY did not want reduction. My personal feeling is that she could be OK. There are always medical miracles.

So I composed myself and went back to the office. Eddie and my mom had changed rooms to a room with a table and four chairs. So we sat and talked. Dr. Tabsh told us he is there to give us all of our options. Then he gave is the options.

A) Terminate the entire pregnancy, but he did not think that was necessary.

B) Reduce "A" but he did not really advise on that since the sick baby is "A" and there could be several issues, such as bleeding, ruptured membranes, most likely premature labor and there would be a 2% chance we would loose the entire thing.

C) Nothing! Nothing, would be that nature takes it course and that would be best for "B" since it would be less time that "A" would be sitting on top of my cervix when she passes. The risks we run are less with letting it be.

He also said he does not think that "A" would survive the entire pregnancy, if she does she probably will not last long after birth due to the issues she has. After Eddie asked all the questions we had, like should we do an amnio on "B"? He said no, I am young and "B" is healthy enough he does not see it necessary. I asked if the Placentas are fused or one? He said fused. I asked if by any chance he saw the sex of "B" he said she is defiantly a girl.

So we ended the conversation with Dr. Tabsh telling us if I was his daughter that he would not recommend the reduction. So Eddie and I decided not to proceed. He also said if we would like we can see him anytime. He also recommended that we see Dr. Shah every three to four weeks. So at 11:00pm we left Santa Monica with our two little girls.

I know that Eddie has been the more rational one in this whole ordeal but I really could not put myself through reduction. I would know we set the date that we let our little girl go. I could not live with that. I guess Eddie has been more rational about this. As a mother I could not make that decision unless it was a last resort.

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

16w4d: Second appointment with Dr. Shah this afternoon. Baby "A" is still with us and Baby "B" "looks like a girl, the key words are looks" says Dr. Shah! "A" is measuring at 15w3d and "B" is measuring at 17w0d.

So now "A" is not growing properly as well as her other problems. Up until now hopes were high because she was growing still. Now things have taken another turn for the worse. The last month has been hell.

Eddie was so excited, from the beginning he has always said they were two girls. Now Eddie keeps referring to "B" as his little princess. I hope that blows over.

As I said before "A" is still with us. To me it seems like my main focus is "A" and Eddie's is "B". Don't get me wrong that mommy instinct has set in and I love both of my girl equally. I just really want to bring both of my girls home. That is my main focus.

As a mentioned in a previous post we now have to go see another specialist for a more in depth Ultrasound to find out if we can or should do reduction. Dr. Shah refereed us to a specialist out of Good Samaritan Hospital. in Los Angeles. I called her office on the way home as Dr. Shah had already called he to get us an appointment ASAP as we are running out of time to do anything.

Reduction has been brought up to us for the last month. I hate that this may be our only option to bring home one of these girls. Reduction needs to be done before 20 weeks.

So she scheduled me for 11 am on Friday. About 45 minutes later we get a call back from her office saying that they don't accept Blue Cross PPO and if we wanted to see that doctor it would be $1805. So I called Dr. Shah's office back to find out if he has another doctor to refer us to. Eddie got on the phone with Blue Cross to find out what we can do. Dr. Shah's office called us back and found us another doctor.

Then 5 minutes later Dr. Shah, personally called us back and asked what had happened and why we were changing doctors. I told him our issue. He warned me that the new doctor does not have good bed side manner but is just as good as the first doctor. Dr. Shah knows our problem that we had with Dr. DeVore and did not want us to have the same problem again. So Eddie and I talked about it and have decided to see the second doctor, that appointment is Friday at 7:00pm at UCLA/Santa Monica. We were told when making the appointment be prepared for a 3hr wait. I hope this guy is good.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

15w5d: Well I guess that moving last week was really moving. We were in bed this morning and I felt it again. I told Eddie what was happening and he felt it too. I was very exciting. I was such a great family moment. I am really treasuring my moments with both of my children. I am still hopefully a miracle will come from everything.

We had a early Valentine's dinner with Eddie's parents.

Friday, February 1, 2008 14 Weeks

14w0d: Day one of the second trimester. To sum it up I would say it was not half as bad as I was expecting pregnancy wise. Spent three weeks practically in hibernation. Only had nausea three mornings, which never resulted in actually throwing up. Got a cold for 11 days.

Found out 1 is 2. Found on 2 will become 1. Found out "A" is a girl, the jury is still out on "B". Still working on processing all of this news. There has been so much to take in and to read. The Internet is a crazy thing. It is good and bad.

Tried to get Buster & Boz to sleep in the living room, that did not go over too well, as they took turns scratching at the door and crying. Now they are back in the room, but not on the bed.

Friday, February 1, 2008

14w0d: Had third actual scheduled appointment with Dr. Prema. We had another ultrasound. Went over everything that has been going on. She always has a great way of calming me down and letting Eddie and I know that it is what it is and it is in God's hands.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

13w5d: Contacted Dr. Prema to get the name of another specialist and we now have an appointment with Dr. Shah on February 5th, my mom's birthday!

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

13w4d: Eddie and I went back to Dr. DeVore today. Our little "A" is a fighter. "B" looks good still. We did not see eye to eye with Dr. DeVore after he did the Ultrasound he asked us if we had thought about our options. Well the problem is he never gave us options. Eddie asked the doctor a question and the nurse rolled her eyes like it was a stupid questions. So after we talked about it we have decided to contact Dr. Prema to see if there is another specialist we can see.

Monday, January 21, 2008

12w3d: Since Eddie and I have been paranoid about everything, I went to urgent care tonight for cramping. Cramping turned out to be another bladder infection and dehydration. So due to the circumstances they did an ultrasound and blood work, it turns out the cramping is another bladder infection and Dehydration. I don’t have a clue how I can be dehydrated when I have been drinking over 100 oz of water a day. Baby “A” is still fighting. Baby "B" is a thumb sucker.

Why?

Why has this happend to me? Why has this happend to Eddie and I? I don't understand what we have done to deserve this. I really don't know how to process that one of my babies is sick. We have just been settling into the idea that we will be welcoming two babies into our lives this summer.

I feel guilty because we had no clue how we were going to make life work with two babies. But at the same time we were getting excited about it too. I feel like I have let me child down. Our little bean is sick and it is something that Eddie or I have. Yet we had no clue. If this has happend what else will happen.

Another feeling I have is how can I be excited about this pregnancy. We want our babies. They are a wanted addition to our family. Eddie and I have been together for nearly 7 years. We have been married for over 3 years and everyone was starting to think we would never start a family.

I just don't know what to think right now. I know that the next two weeks are going to be hard. The doctor said "A" would most likely not make it 2 more weeks. I hate the fact that I am not going to know when he or she leave us. I hate that we will go to the doctor in two weeks and he or she will be gone.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

11w4d: Eddie and I went to the specialist yesterday and did not get good news. We will be loosing Baby "A" in the next couple of weeks. It has Chromosomal Defects, that now include fluid in the lungs and stomach. Baby "B" seems to be in no harm as of right now. We went to our primary OB/Gyn this morning to follow up with her and she said that there is a 95% chance that everything will be OK with Baby "B". We go back to see the specialist on January 29th to follow up. Eddie and I are doing OK now, considering. The doctor says I will not feel anything when the time comes. So now all our focus is keeping Baby "B" in good shape. Right now it is doing really good. The specialist moved my due date up two more days. In a way I am happy that "B" will be getting a lot of special attention now. Eddie and I are doing OK. We went to a movie last night to keep our minds off of it. The only problem I am having right now is talking on the phone. I am OK typing, just not talking about it. Eddie has been talking to our parents. I am very thankful to have him.Update: Baby "B" was measuring at 2days larger then due date. My due date will stay August 1st, 2008!

Friday, January 4, 2008

10w0d: It has been a month since my last appointment. I am now 10 weeks on the dot. I have been sick for a week now, I wish this cold would go away. Eddie and I went to the doctor. Eddie was in amazement to see our two little ones. Found out today our "official" due date is August 1st. Dr. Prema says we will deliver between July 4th and July 15th if all goes well. I asked her about our small insurance issue and she said no matter what she wants us to deliver at Huntington Memorial, in Pasadena. Eddie is not happy about that, it means a longer car ride with him freaking out. She also refereed us to another specialist to preform better Ultrasounds. So I will be going to the doctor every two weeks. Once a month for each doctor. Just to see our two little pieces of fruit is such a blessing. Now I will see them twice a month and I am very lucky for that. Eddie's face was priceless and I will never forget seeing him like that ever. I would have to say it tops seeing him when we got married. Appointment with the new doctor is January 15th, next appointment with Dr. Prema is February 1st. The two photos on the bottom are A and the top is B. For now they are A and B to us. We have not pet names. Just A and B.